Goleo8
Apr 22, 2014
Writing Feedback / Do you agree that the traditional skills will die out? -- IELTS Essay [7]
I totally agree with you on your suggestion. However, as it is an IELTS essay, I cannot write too long in the first paragraph, considering the limited time. Could you give me some suggestion on how to make the first paragraph more attracting with the length limited to 70 words?
Furthermore, I rewrite the remaining paragraph. Would you like helping me revise it? Your help will be greatly appreciated.
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Traditional skills and lifestyle make positive contributions to modern life in terms of creating healthy habits, highlight conventional beauty and promoting the awareness of environmental and ecological protection. Although cutting-edge technology brings convenience to our lives, it leads to sedentary lifestyles meanwhile, heavily endangering health of people. As a result the growth of death rates caused by heart disease increases dramatically. Compared with modern life, traditional adeptness and manner of living encourages people to have more balanced lives by allocating time between work and relaxation reasonably, and to live a greener life by taking environmental-friendly transport, like riding bicycles. Furthermore, after being involved in them, like regular family re-union, people are able to gain sense of belong and social support, releasing their pressure caused by competition.
People who hold different viewpoints claim that traditions protection consumes enormous financial budget compared with the revenue created by it. In spite of the fact that tradition skills and customs do not boost the development of economy as much as modern technology do, it should be emphasized that they brings healthier and happier lives to humankind. Especially considering that happiness is the eventual aim of human being, government authority should support promotion and protection of traditional artistry and manner of living in different kinds of ways, including, but no restricted to, allocating financial budget.
To sum up, although an enormous amount of money need to be spent on the conservation of traditions, I believe that it is worth protecting them because traditional skills and lifestyles play a vital role in modern society such as health, values and environment.
too long to be an interesting hook and also it has several errors.
I totally agree with you on your suggestion. However, as it is an IELTS essay, I cannot write too long in the first paragraph, considering the limited time. Could you give me some suggestion on how to make the first paragraph more attracting with the length limited to 70 words?
Furthermore, I rewrite the remaining paragraph. Would you like helping me revise it? Your help will be greatly appreciated.
================================================================= ================================================================= =========================
Traditional skills and lifestyle make positive contributions to modern life in terms of creating healthy habits, highlight conventional beauty and promoting the awareness of environmental and ecological protection. Although cutting-edge technology brings convenience to our lives, it leads to sedentary lifestyles meanwhile, heavily endangering health of people. As a result the growth of death rates caused by heart disease increases dramatically. Compared with modern life, traditional adeptness and manner of living encourages people to have more balanced lives by allocating time between work and relaxation reasonably, and to live a greener life by taking environmental-friendly transport, like riding bicycles. Furthermore, after being involved in them, like regular family re-union, people are able to gain sense of belong and social support, releasing their pressure caused by competition.
People who hold different viewpoints claim that traditions protection consumes enormous financial budget compared with the revenue created by it. In spite of the fact that tradition skills and customs do not boost the development of economy as much as modern technology do, it should be emphasized that they brings healthier and happier lives to humankind. Especially considering that happiness is the eventual aim of human being, government authority should support promotion and protection of traditional artistry and manner of living in different kinds of ways, including, but no restricted to, allocating financial budget.
To sum up, although an enormous amount of money need to be spent on the conservation of traditions, I believe that it is worth protecting them because traditional skills and lifestyles play a vital role in modern society such as health, values and environment.
