Annd
Apr 30, 2014
Scholarship / 'Never leave an unfinished product on display' - personal statement essay [4]
Thank you for your feed back
Thank you for your feed back
Annd
Apr 29, 2014
Letters / Motivation letter for master in facility and real estate managemnt [4]
-ince my family business was housing business, I was getting acquainted to real estate business when I was a child. ( a little wordy, if possile you can reduce the lenght of the sentence and get to the point. Maybe something like Because my familly own the housing business, i was... as a child)
-ince I joined the team, several acquisition projects have been proposed and approved and we have delivered [...] sq ft of office and retail space into well - operation and apply the new agile working model. ( to many 'and', try to use commas or if possible break down into seperate sentences)
- have learned a lot from my local & regional & global team members and we did work together as an extended family. ( Maybe Togther as an extended family, i've learned ...) ( try to reduce the wordiness)
And I found it fun to work and communicate with different people from different businesses to support the business growth in terms of property context ( can't start the sentence with and)
Obviously ( comma) ... has many challenges but once I have passion for it, I would find the way to overcome all.
I find that it is very (practically - oriented) ( awk. right here, i would just put ' well oriented ' )program that would provide me not only the knowledge but also the skills to become a real estate professional
I am no expert but here is my feedback
-ince my family business was housing business, I was getting acquainted to real estate business when I was a child. ( a little wordy, if possile you can reduce the lenght of the sentence and get to the point. Maybe something like Because my familly own the housing business, i was... as a child)
-ince I joined the team, several acquisition projects have been proposed and approved and we have delivered [...] sq ft of office and retail space into well - operation and apply the new agile working model. ( to many 'and', try to use commas or if possible break down into seperate sentences)
- have learned a lot from my local & regional & global team members and we did work together as an extended family. ( Maybe Togther as an extended family, i've learned ...) ( try to reduce the wordiness)
And I found it fun to work and communicate with different people from different businesses to support the business growth in terms of property context ( can't start the sentence with and)
Obviously ( comma) ... has many challenges but once I have passion for it, I would find the way to overcome all.
I find that it is very (practically - oriented) ( awk. right here, i would just put ' well oriented ' )program that would provide me not only the knowledge but also the skills to become a real estate professional
I am no expert but here is my feedback
Annd
Apr 29, 2014
Scholarship / 'Never leave an unfinished product on display' - personal statement essay [4]
so i applying for a scholarship and now i am having trouble with my personal statement essay. my weak point is always grammar errors and sometime too wordy. It would be great if you guys can help me out with it. Thanks a lot
My teacher once told me: Never leave an unfinished product on display. Ever since then, I have always remembered to finish what I have started, no matter how bad. I learned that have something on display is better than having nothing. Able to set goals and finish them one by one, it is an indescribable feeling of achievement, both psychological and biological.
Growing up in a foreign country with the economic downfall, it was difficult for me and my family to maintain a balance lifestyle. Understanding my role as a child, school has always been my major focuses. While many of my friends receive special education by going to cram school, I tried my best to keep up with them. Because I was unable to effort cram classes, I decided to form study group. Teamwork has always been an important factor that affects my academic performance. By constantly being nominated and elected as class president from year to year during elementary school, I confronted many leadership hardships and learned how to deal with them at such a young age. I understand that a leader can hardly success without any help from others subordinates. Even though my academic status is not excellent, I've never once give up but in contrast, I push myself even harder. I considered myself as a hardworking individual, and I will do anything within my power to support the students and teachers with their decisions.
I continued my education in my hometown, Vietnam, until the end of elementary school. After my parent divorces, I follow my mom to America. After so many years living in Vietnam, it was difficult for me to fit in with the school environment in the United State. With such little knowledge of English, I can barely greeting. But that is no excuse. To efficiently studying a language, I've engage in so many school activities. The first year of high school was remarkable, with the help of the teachers, my English keep getting better and better. I was able to make a few friends even though I had a hard time communicating. Joined DECA clubs as a freshmen until now, I've went to many business competitions. I never win any award because it was difficult for me to deliver my thought. Competitions after competitions, I finally receive an award in Hospitality Management. It is also my proof of improvement. During sophomore year, I applied for the ACE program and got accepted. The ACE program provide student with economic hardship by help them acquire college credit through college community classes. Besides studying English at school, I also study another English class at Mesa Community College. The summer of sophomore year, I make a mistake by taking the ACE class and an online American History class. Juxtapose between English workload and American History class, I can't keep up with all the work. As the result, I fail my online class. I took the consequences as a lesson for my recklessness. I told myself not to make the same mistake ever again.
I learned from my mistake not to overdone myself. Aside from taking many AP's classes, I also searches and applied for many scholarship as much as possible. My goal is to major in nuclear medicine chemical engineering. My aunt was diagnose with breast cancer and to know that she only have a few years left to live, it encourage me to do something big for her. I want her to be proud of me. I will be the first generation to enter college and it is very important to me and my family. My mom has always support me in every aspect and go to college and graduate is the only gift that I can give her.
I've set my goal and I will finish it no matter what. I believe effort outwork talent. If I have the honor to receive the scholarship, I will dedicate myself to my college career and advance beyond four years of university. The future ahead of me is still a mystery journal that I have to walk. I believe with my dedication and hardworking characteristic, I can go over and beyond what I've planned and attribute my work to the world someday.
so i applying for a scholarship and now i am having trouble with my personal statement essay. my weak point is always grammar errors and sometime too wordy. It would be great if you guys can help me out with it. Thanks a lot
My teacher once told me: Never leave an unfinished product on display. Ever since then, I have always remembered to finish what I have started, no matter how bad. I learned that have something on display is better than having nothing. Able to set goals and finish them one by one, it is an indescribable feeling of achievement, both psychological and biological.
Growing up in a foreign country with the economic downfall, it was difficult for me and my family to maintain a balance lifestyle. Understanding my role as a child, school has always been my major focuses. While many of my friends receive special education by going to cram school, I tried my best to keep up with them. Because I was unable to effort cram classes, I decided to form study group. Teamwork has always been an important factor that affects my academic performance. By constantly being nominated and elected as class president from year to year during elementary school, I confronted many leadership hardships and learned how to deal with them at such a young age. I understand that a leader can hardly success without any help from others subordinates. Even though my academic status is not excellent, I've never once give up but in contrast, I push myself even harder. I considered myself as a hardworking individual, and I will do anything within my power to support the students and teachers with their decisions.
I continued my education in my hometown, Vietnam, until the end of elementary school. After my parent divorces, I follow my mom to America. After so many years living in Vietnam, it was difficult for me to fit in with the school environment in the United State. With such little knowledge of English, I can barely greeting. But that is no excuse. To efficiently studying a language, I've engage in so many school activities. The first year of high school was remarkable, with the help of the teachers, my English keep getting better and better. I was able to make a few friends even though I had a hard time communicating. Joined DECA clubs as a freshmen until now, I've went to many business competitions. I never win any award because it was difficult for me to deliver my thought. Competitions after competitions, I finally receive an award in Hospitality Management. It is also my proof of improvement. During sophomore year, I applied for the ACE program and got accepted. The ACE program provide student with economic hardship by help them acquire college credit through college community classes. Besides studying English at school, I also study another English class at Mesa Community College. The summer of sophomore year, I make a mistake by taking the ACE class and an online American History class. Juxtapose between English workload and American History class, I can't keep up with all the work. As the result, I fail my online class. I took the consequences as a lesson for my recklessness. I told myself not to make the same mistake ever again.
I learned from my mistake not to overdone myself. Aside from taking many AP's classes, I also searches and applied for many scholarship as much as possible. My goal is to major in nuclear medicine chemical engineering. My aunt was diagnose with breast cancer and to know that she only have a few years left to live, it encourage me to do something big for her. I want her to be proud of me. I will be the first generation to enter college and it is very important to me and my family. My mom has always support me in every aspect and go to college and graduate is the only gift that I can give her.
I've set my goal and I will finish it no matter what. I believe effort outwork talent. If I have the honor to receive the scholarship, I will dedicate myself to my college career and advance beyond four years of university. The future ahead of me is still a mystery journal that I have to walk. I believe with my dedication and hardworking characteristic, I can go over and beyond what I've planned and attribute my work to the world someday.
