Posts by konaren

konaren

May 4, 2014

Writing Feedback / 'Being parenthood is very proud in married life' - Parents are the best teacher [4]

Essay should be further expanded, and the grammar should be checked in many of the sentences. For example:
1. Children imitate their parents do. -> Children imitate their parents.
2. Children are more sensitive than adult. -> Children are more sensitive than adults.

Also, watch your overuse of the word "children." Although it is the topic of the paper, try to use synonyms or pronouns more often.

konaren

May 3, 2014

Undergraduate / USC PERSONAL ESSAY & SUPPLEMENT; "read my human" [5]

Although you didn't mention the actual prompt of the essay, I think that the syntax and subject matter is unique. While I don't know much about the USC admissions process, I feel that this would stand out in a pile.

konaren

May 2, 2014

Undergraduate / UCHICAGO PERSONAL ESSAY - overcoming myself and growth. [COMMENT FOR COMMENT] [2]

TOPIC: I was waitlisted at the University of Chicago, and am sending this to my regional admissions officer as a letter of continued interest. As a result, there isn't an actual prompt: but my goal for the paper was to avoid writing the overused laundry list of accomplishments, and instead talk about a personal weakness and my overcoming of it.

It probably has many errors and gaps in its line of thinking. Please be as harsh as possible, haha c:
I will comment on all responders' essays.
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When I applied to The University of Chicago last year, I was like many of the other applicants - hoping for an acceptance. However, when I received my waitlist letter, Chicago suddenly appeared as a faraway possibility. To me, Chicago wasn't just a possibility, and I didn't want it to be: it was and is my dream, and my ideal school. And now, having finally convinced both of my parents of the opportunities I knew the school presented from the beginning, it has only become more ideal.

On the other hand, when I applied to the school, I did so with an understanding that my application wasn't as ideal as the school I was applying to. I spent the beginning of my high school career living out a puppet's routine, going through every one of the motions and yet feeling none of them. I won't lie - it doesn't take much of a look at my freshman and sophomore year grades to realize how far below my potential they were, and it takes even less to realize how much I left undone in my lack of direction. My record was tainted and yet left blank by my past, and there was nothing I could do to reverse it.

So, instead of reversing it, I strove to change it. I didn't want to be the withered freshman anymore, and neither did I want to be the faded girl in tenth grade. So I pushed myself as much as I could, working myself mentally, physically, and emotionally, striving to bring back the excitement for learning that I once felt. I went from being a withdrawn student to the two-time English Student of the Year; I became an active and engaged member in so many extracurricular that my friends began to wonder if I had simply found a new group. I invested myself into my art and watched as my skills slowly developed, I lost dozens of pounds in my weight loss journey, and, most importantly, I found my extinguished passion and determination. It stopped being about changing, and I changed.

Why am I telling you all of this? I said earlier that I didn't lie - I didn't, and I still don't. I'm telling you all of this because I'm not done changing, and I'm not done expanding into the person I want to show through. I may not have had the statistics, but I have the determination: and, from where I'm standing, the only way left to go is up. I am only midway through my journey, but already I can't imagine the future I flew past.

Thank you so much for expressing interest in me at The University of Chicago, and I hope for your continued interest as the waitlist decisions continue to surface. I appreciate your time and energy in reading this, and sincerely hope that I will be able to join you this coming fall.