Writing Feedback / IELTS: procedure of making cement / traffic congestion & air pollution [4]

I took a look at your Task 1 and it looks pretty good. You have a high level of vocabulary and grammar; however, I did not notice some areas that could use improvements.

Feedback on Task 1:

illustrate the procedure of making cement by using equipment and several stages

through several stages

stages, afterward,

stages. Afterwards,

And then, the

And then the / Then the

After that, the

After that the

is pressed by grinder to be the cement eventually.

is pressed by the grinder to become cement eventually.

The cement is packaged up by different bag for sales and producing the concrete.

The cement is packaged into different bags for both selling and producing concrete.

including 15% of cement, 10% of water, 25% sand as well as 50% gravel,

including 15% cement, 10% water, 25% sand and 50% gravel..

Followed by turning on the mixer so as to blend all of raw materials together.

This step is followed by turning on the mixer so as to blend all of the raw materials together.

is used for building.

is used for building purposes.

You may benefit from reviewing:
- use of commas
- parallelism
- linking words at start of sentences