dbonner15
Sep 3, 2014
Undergraduate / 'My experience as a summer diving coach' - US Naval Academy Personal Statement [2]
Hello, I am writing a personal statement for the USNA, and would greatly appreciate any help. Right now, I feel that the essay lacks emotion. It feels very cold. I previously had lots of emotion, almost too much to the point where it sounded dramatic, so I edited a lot of it out. I cannot seem to find a place to put "touchy-feeling" words without sounding dramatic.
My interest in the Naval Academy sparked when I was assigned to write a memorial speech for a public speaking class. I decided to write about my late uncle, Lt. Dennis Redmond for whom I am named. Researching through my mother, I wrote the speech and was transformed. I learned about an officer of honor and integrity who graduated from the USNA and fulfilled his dream of becoming a P3-Orion pilot. I learned of an officer who overcame the loss of half his foot in an off-duty accident and pushed himself to get back into physical condition because he wanted to remain serving in the Navy. I learned of an officer who ultimately lost his life in a mid-air collision of two P-3 Orions. I realized that I wanted to be a part of a service that honed a man like my uncle into the respected, loyal and dedicated officer that he was.
The naval service also allows me to achieve my long-range and immediate goals that include serving as a career officer, pursing a degree in nuclear engineering and political science, and diving for the Navy Men's Diving Team. I was excited to learn that the USNA now offers nuclear engineering as a major. With over eighty nuclear powered vessels, the navy would offer me the ability to work in my field of interest and fulfill my desire to serve as a career officer. My interest in political science developed this summer during my week spent at Keystone Boys State. The USNA offers a variety of political science courses that I would like to include in my course electives. Finally, after spending a week at the Navy Diving Camp, I would be honored to dive for the Navy. The US Naval Academy is the clear choice for me to fulfill my goals.
My experience as a summer diving coach has greatly contributed to developing my character and integrity. As a youth diving coach, I've had to communicate my diving knowledge to children of all ages. With the dangers of diving in mind, I was responsible for several young lives. Motivational speaker and author J.D. Messinger's has a succinct description of integrity. "Personal integrity is very simply when a person says what they mean, means what they say, and does what they say they will do." This is truly the only way to coach children. My integrity with the divers was tested by one of my hard working yet precocious divers. One of my main rules was that any horseplay meant sitting off deck for a time. All season Lily never broke this rule. However, on this particular day, she engaged in horseplay by splashing me and other divers. My initial instinct was to let it go since she usually was so well behaved. However, I realized that I must stand by my rule and required her to sit off deck. If I did not act with integrity, the children would have stopped listening to me and their safety would have been in jeopardy.
Hello, I am writing a personal statement for the USNA, and would greatly appreciate any help. Right now, I feel that the essay lacks emotion. It feels very cold. I previously had lots of emotion, almost too much to the point where it sounded dramatic, so I edited a lot of it out. I cannot seem to find a place to put "touchy-feeling" words without sounding dramatic.
My interest in the Naval Academy sparked when I was assigned to write a memorial speech for a public speaking class. I decided to write about my late uncle, Lt. Dennis Redmond for whom I am named. Researching through my mother, I wrote the speech and was transformed. I learned about an officer of honor and integrity who graduated from the USNA and fulfilled his dream of becoming a P3-Orion pilot. I learned of an officer who overcame the loss of half his foot in an off-duty accident and pushed himself to get back into physical condition because he wanted to remain serving in the Navy. I learned of an officer who ultimately lost his life in a mid-air collision of two P-3 Orions. I realized that I wanted to be a part of a service that honed a man like my uncle into the respected, loyal and dedicated officer that he was.
The naval service also allows me to achieve my long-range and immediate goals that include serving as a career officer, pursing a degree in nuclear engineering and political science, and diving for the Navy Men's Diving Team. I was excited to learn that the USNA now offers nuclear engineering as a major. With over eighty nuclear powered vessels, the navy would offer me the ability to work in my field of interest and fulfill my desire to serve as a career officer. My interest in political science developed this summer during my week spent at Keystone Boys State. The USNA offers a variety of political science courses that I would like to include in my course electives. Finally, after spending a week at the Navy Diving Camp, I would be honored to dive for the Navy. The US Naval Academy is the clear choice for me to fulfill my goals.
My experience as a summer diving coach has greatly contributed to developing my character and integrity. As a youth diving coach, I've had to communicate my diving knowledge to children of all ages. With the dangers of diving in mind, I was responsible for several young lives. Motivational speaker and author J.D. Messinger's has a succinct description of integrity. "Personal integrity is very simply when a person says what they mean, means what they say, and does what they say they will do." This is truly the only way to coach children. My integrity with the divers was tested by one of my hard working yet precocious divers. One of my main rules was that any horseplay meant sitting off deck for a time. All season Lily never broke this rule. However, on this particular day, she engaged in horseplay by splashing me and other divers. My initial instinct was to let it go since she usually was so well behaved. However, I realized that I must stand by my rule and required her to sit off deck. If I did not act with integrity, the children would have stopped listening to me and their safety would have been in jeopardy.
