Undergraduate / my body | CENTRAL TO IDENTITY [3]

i couldn't decide for a while what to write my essay about then this idea just came to me. it's just a first draft so i may scrap the entire thing in a few days or run with it, depending on comments and if i can write something else that i prefer. any constructive criticism/grammar corrections are appreciated. thank you!

Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

Sighing, I turn away from the mirror and rummage once more through my closet. There has to be something in here that won't make me look as big as I am. Something to hide the excess around my stomach and sides. Looking back at myself once last time, I slam the closet door and blink back tears. That feat is impossible.

Since I could remember, I was the "fat girl". At school, I would stand out from my classmates because of my size. Offhanded comments would be passed around about the flabbiness of my body would pierce me like bullets. Romantic pursuits were out of the question. I dreaded going to the doctor in fear of stepping on the scale and seeing those number rise and getting a stern lecturing about how I need to stay healthy and exercise.

Years of shame about my weight pushed my self-esteem into the ground. Failed diets and unsuccessful results from exercise left me hopeless. At 18, I am familiar with the word "obese" as that's what doctors label me. I have never been seen in shorts or, god forbid, a bathing suit. My wardrobe consists of jeans and shirts baggy enough to conceal the pudge I've always had.

Looking at magazines leads me to dream of looking like the thin women adorning the cover. Then I think, why is it that I have to live full of self-loathing because of who I am; what I look like? Is it because I truly am undesirable or because of the skewed view of beauty that society has? Every day, we see ads full of young, skinny women living life to the fullest, while fat girls are picked on and spend their nights locked away at home because the world tells them they are not wanted. What is so wrong with being fat that makes everyone run away screaming at the mere sight of someone large?

I know that I may never look like the women in magazines or models strutting down the runway, but that does not mean that I will never be beautiful. My body will not be angular planes and tight firm skin, but soft curves. My thighs will never have a gap between them; they will touch and rub together when I walk or sit. The constant storm clouds raining doubt and body issues will be fought and torn until I look in the mirror and smile at what I see instead of cringe. Until I can point out my flaws and learn to love them instead of crying that I will never be perfect.

I will always be the fat girl. And that's okay.