columbiagskiki
Sep 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / UNC supplement- A time when I felt love [3]
I think it is a really good start of an essay. I like that you are sharing your experience with the reader.
However, there are some redundant words.. such as "my friends" which comes up quite often. I think it will be a better essay if you try to 're-word' lot of the sentences.
One of the most disappointing moments in my life was the day before spring break in sophomore year.
My junior year band results had just been posted.
This sentence I had to re-read to understand, maybe rewrite it something like
'The band results for my junior year had been posted' ?
Since 6th grade, my dream was to make it into the top band, and I had hoped that my wishes were granted. I had practiced three hours a day the week before the auditions, and during the audition, I had felt confident that I had impressed my teacher enough to move me up. However, my confidence was shattered when I found out I had not only failed to make the top band, I actually moved down a few seats in the band I was currently in. But in the moments that followed, I truly experienced what UNC Professor Barbara Fredrickson calls love: "micro-moments of connection between people."
There are many 'had's in this paragraph... A lot of them you don't need. I think the essay would read better, and less 'redundant' if you changed the style of your sentences, or at least get rid of extra words.
Finding out that I had done horribly was a major disappointment and a huge setback for me . But as I walked away from the results, my friends who had been there with me and others who had heard about the results surrounded me and comforted me .
Again, lots of 'me's you can get rid of...
Finding out that I had done horribly was a major disappointment and a huge setback. But as I walked away from the results, my friends and others who had heard about the results came to surround and comfort me.
These are just some of the suggestions. I tried to not change a lot because it is still your writing.
I would re-read the essay and try to organize sentences better. It seems like you are writing casually as if you were speaking to me, but I think for the college admissions essay, it would help to spend more time correcting the grammar and style of the writing.
I hope this helped!
I think it is a really good start of an essay. I like that you are sharing your experience with the reader.
However, there are some redundant words.. such as "my friends" which comes up quite often. I think it will be a better essay if you try to 're-word' lot of the sentences.
One of the most disappointing moments in my life was the day before spring break in sophomore year.
My junior year band results had just been posted.
This sentence I had to re-read to understand, maybe rewrite it something like
'The band results for my junior year had been posted' ?
Since 6th grade, my dream was to make it into the top band, and I had hoped that my wishes were granted. I had practiced three hours a day the week before the auditions, and during the audition, I had felt confident that I had impressed my teacher enough to move me up. However, my confidence was shattered when I found out I had not only failed to make the top band, I actually moved down a few seats in the band I was currently in. But in the moments that followed, I truly experienced what UNC Professor Barbara Fredrickson calls love: "micro-moments of connection between people."
There are many 'had's in this paragraph... A lot of them you don't need. I think the essay would read better, and less 'redundant' if you changed the style of your sentences, or at least get rid of extra words.
Finding out that I had done horribly was a major disappointment and a huge setback for me . But as I walked away from the results, my friends who had been there with me and others who had heard about the results surrounded me and comforted me .
Again, lots of 'me's you can get rid of...
Finding out that I had done horribly was a major disappointment and a huge setback. But as I walked away from the results, my friends and others who had heard about the results came to surround and comfort me.
These are just some of the suggestions. I tried to not change a lot because it is still your writing.
I would re-read the essay and try to organize sentences better. It seems like you are writing casually as if you were speaking to me, but I think for the college admissions essay, it would help to spend more time correcting the grammar and style of the writing.
I hope this helped!