Posts by jerrofyx

jerrofyx

Oct 4, 2014

Undergraduate / Creating and erasing as countless thoughts passed through my mind - Page 87 of my autobiography; VCU [4]

I changed it to, "This space wasn't only used for personal enjoyment, but for the experience of being in that moment, and realizing that the ability to completely change a situation could happen simply by the stroke of a brush." Not much different but does it read better?

jerrofyx

Oct 4, 2014

Undergraduate / There is no way of elucidating the simple truth - my home is beautiful. Entry essay for UT Austin [2]

I think that your paper is very well written. Though I don't think you have spent much time discussing your current academics or activities until towards the end that is. Your passed and story is very serious and very touching though I am not sure of how much of your passed they want you to write about.

Considering that your title ends with "extra-curricular a" I assume the "a" was the beginning of "activities," but I m not entirely sure of what the schools instructions where for your essay because it is cut off.

Also, you do a great job keeping things in chronological order until your second to last paragraph. The first sentence, " Ultimately I strive to graduate at the University of Texas with a major in Psychology and continue my studies into medical school in order to serve abroad alongside Doctors Without Borders; using my education to share my perspectives with peers, gain an abundance of knowledge in an environment unlike any Westernized hospital, and serve those who may not have the ability to access medical care in remote areas" is huge. I am not quite sure weather it is technically a run-on sentence or not, but even with the semi-colon it is very long. I also think that sentence would be better placed at the end of that paragraph after you speak more on your high school life.

jerrofyx

Oct 4, 2014

Undergraduate / Creating and erasing as countless thoughts passed through my mind - Page 87 of my autobiography; VCU [4]

Thanks a lot. I will try to express my point in a different way, and show my results.

jerrofyx

Oct 4, 2014

Undergraduate / Creating and erasing as countless thoughts passed through my mind - Page 87 of my autobiography; VCU [4]

I need another persons perspective on my essay. I plan to add one more paragraph, but so far am I on the right track? Please add any suggestions.

Finally, out of that situation and into my comfort zone, the sound of my pencil sketching on paper was all I focused on, and was about all I heard.

Creating and erasing as countless thoughts passed through my mind. This space wasn't only used for personal enjoyment, but for experiencing a state of being in that moment, and realizing that the ability to completely change a situation could happen simply by the stroke of a brush. It was the simplest realizations that brought me great joy. One may say that I was in my own world. Although being in one's "own world" can be a continuous experience there is always a time where we unite with the worlds of others. This time came for me as it routinely did the very moment that the phone rang.

Without a doubt it was one of my good buddies asking to take me on a journey. He insisted on not informing me where this journey was to take us or what was the point for me going. He knew that if I was informed of all the details there would have been a greater chance of me debating it, and knowing me at the time I may have just stayed home with my good friends pencil and paper. Just as any person would be, I was curious, so I jumped aboard to his proposal. Back then spontaneity was my best friend. It was like a present, because no matter what was inside the receiver is always excited to open it. Even if someone doesn't like their gift they are pleased that they were given it, and at the end of the day they still gained something. This present experience is what thrilled me when approaching my days.

Closing the front door and walking down the steps to my apartment I heard "rrum-rumm-rrum-rumm," while thinking that I have never ridden a motorcycle. Now fully embracing the outdoors and just before my eyes it actually was a motorcycle. A very nice looking one too, but it was not one with my friend sitting on top of it. My focus was then directed behind the loud cyclist were I grabbed sight of my buddies same old blue car, which I was actually rather happy to see that day. As I was stepping into the passenger seat, the first thing he said was, "First stop, breakfast!" I cannot recall if he paid for me that morning, but as stated earlier I was a on a tight financial budget so I wouldn't be surprised if he did. Breakfast came and went. It was then on to the next part of this journey where for me things began to get rather mysterious.