Hello everyone! I am applying to UT Austin and I need some revision on my essay. I am a first-generation college attendee and I have no immediate family with the ability to assist me. Feel free to give any constructive criticism and grammatical corrections. All help is appreciated!
There is no way of elucidating the simple truth - my home is beautiful. My home stands strong amidst unpaved roads, bustling markets, and unbathed children grinning from ear to ear. It is located thousands of miles away from where I am currently situated and my heart aches to be back. I ache to be tested and tried in ways I have never imagined. I ache to be placed in a country that is not of my origin. Most of all, I strive to be broken and pushed to love with the best of my ability; using my educational opportunities as a pathway into my vision.
Dreams of becoming a missionary doctor specializing in pediatrics developed in my heart at an early age. As the child of immigrant parents from poverty-stricken towns in Mexico, I was accustomed to travelling across the border and witnessing struggling children. Early December mornings were spent carrying trash bags up into the hills where several of the poorest residents of Chalchihuites, Zacatecas resided. These bags were not filled with electric cars, talking dolls, or new Nintendo's. Instead, they were filled with pencils, coloring books, and miniature stuffed animals from the local dollar store. A thin girl named Alejandra introduced herself to me and begged me to play with her. Throughout the course of a day we became inseparable; we were bonded with an innocent love for plastic dolls.
"Mami", I stated in my juvenile voice, "can my new friend come live with us?" Each year that we went to Mexico was just another request for her to live with us. Though I was young, I was aware that the life Alejandra lived was not a life of justice. She was and is a girl with hopes and dreams, aspirations and visions; a girl who had and still holds the capacity for success.
I owe it to Alejandra. She ignited the flame in my heart to chase after a life of happiness in the field of service. As I grew older, I signed up for various trips to learn of the customs, cultures, and lives of people my age amongst the nations; each trip only fuelling my passion even more. From villages nestled between Chiang-Mai, Thailand, and the persecuted borders of the post-pariah state of Burma, to the rustic communities in the hills of Peru; I learned the rigor of holding myself accountable in conditions of extreme hunger, sleepless nights, and unheated bucket showers. Each service trip held lessons such as the value of life, the simplicity behind true happiness, and the yearning of millions for love. Not only is love a necessity for children across the globe, but for children in my own community. If I could not ravel year-round, I was charged with the determination to change individual lives in my town.
I found myself signing up for small opportunities in soup kitchens, homeless shelters, and English workshops. These activities allowed me to expand my network and discover the Ronald McDonald House of Dallas Teen Board. I held leadership positions in these boards in order to help children as well as their families in the best ways I could. The Ronald McDonald House allowed me to converse with family members of children at the Children's Medical Center and learn about several treatments for illnesses and diseases. The more and more I signed up for activities, the more I felt the need to do. I became a peer buddy for the Best Buddies International Organization and lead a classroom of kids with special needs at my church. With confidence, I can say that working with special needs kids has prepared me immensely. Challenging situations and unexpected reactions push me to think of creative solutions to their attitudes. I have learned immensely about the tenderness of their hearts and the medical conditions that come with their glowing smiles.
Alejandra truly impacted my life beginning at the age of five and carrying me through the age of eighteen. I do it for Alejandra who does not have the chance at an education. I do it for my peer buddies who ask me if I will be their "nice doctor friend" after I return from my studies. Most importantly, I do it for the people I have yet to meet who may need my assistance.
Ultimately I strive to graduate at the University of Texas with a major in Psychology and continue my studies into medical school in order to serve abroad alongside Doctors Without Borders; using my education to share my perspectives with peers, gain an abundance of knowledge in an environment unlike any Westernized hospital, and serve those who may not have the ability to access medical care in remote areas. As a high school student, I have prepared myself by taking a full course in AP Psychology and scoring well on the exam as well as taking three years of French which is spoken in various parts of Africa. I feel that I am well prepared to embark on the journey of using my career as a tool for service across the globe. I have encountered diversity, passionately worked for the organizations I am associated with, and formed bonds with polar opposite beings. Though I may not single-handedly be able to change the world, I can transform lives and I intend to fully utilize that power.
My heart is ready to love, my arms are ready to accept, and my mind is ready for the preparation necessary to assist the people I meet in a medical sense. I am ready to return to my home amidst an unpaved road - wherever it may be.
I think that your paper is very well written. Though I don't think you have spent much time discussing your current academics or activities until towards the end that is. Your passed and story is very serious and very touching though I am not sure of how much of your passed they want you to write about.
Considering that your title ends with "extra-curricular a" I assume the "a" was the beginning of "activities," but I m not entirely sure of what the schools instructions where for your essay because it is cut off.
Also, you do a great job keeping things in chronological order until your second to last paragraph. The first sentence, " Ultimately I strive to graduate at the University of Texas with a major in Psychology and continue my studies into medical school in order to serve abroad alongside Doctors Without Borders; using my education to share my perspectives with peers, gain an abundance of knowledge in an environment unlike any Westernized hospital, and serve those who may not have the ability to access medical care in remote areas" is huge. I am not quite sure weather it is technically a run-on sentence or not, but even with the semi-colon it is very long. I also think that sentence would be better placed at the end of that paragraph after you speak more on your high school life.
