Pallete
Oct 12, 2014
Undergraduate / Everyone should possess inner qualities that help others around them - fgcu essay [3]
Hey whatevah!
Here's my feedback:
Everyoneshould possesses inner qualities that help others around them.
Because they do! Saying "should" seems belittling of others.
That isIt'sthe reason why communities grow better everyday.
I cut down words for elegance.
I have some qualities of my own that I believe would contribute to the university community.
This whole sentence seems a little clumsy; you should write a better one to introduce your idea.
For the second paragraph:
I appreciate the fact that you are creative and idealistic - but you should show more than tell. You do introduce examples of your creating art and making products, but they should be more illustrative.
For example you say:
Someone could tell me to design anything digitally and I will be determined to do it. I could design logos, shirts, banners and much more if I got asked to.
My advice would be to illustrate and specify:
The football team could ask me to design anything from a knight mascot to a banana logo to go on things from helmets to mugs, and I could do it. In fact, I actually designed..., then you might make a specific example of a real design project you did. Show rather than tell your capabilities and principles.
For the third paragraph:
Same advice as paragraph above. I appreciate that in the middle, you came up with an intense illustrative example of hardly being able to move after a track run. Here, you showed instead of told your determination.
When I was on the track team, I wasn't the best at first, but after setting a goal and trying my best running in every practice, I eventually improved greatly.
This sentence is generic.
This is less so:
When I first joined the track team, I was even slower than four-toed Joey, but a strong will to succeed and compete led me to improve my 200m sprint by whole seconds.
Sorry if that sounds stupid, I know nothing about track. But I suggest to be much more illustrative. Show, don't tell. It's much better for interesting writing.
Hey whatevah!
Here's my feedback:
Everyone
Because they do! Saying "should" seems belittling of others.
I cut down words for elegance.
I have some qualities of my own that I believe would contribute to the university community.
This whole sentence seems a little clumsy; you should write a better one to introduce your idea.
For the second paragraph:
I appreciate the fact that you are creative and idealistic - but you should show more than tell. You do introduce examples of your creating art and making products, but they should be more illustrative.
For example you say:
Someone could tell me to design anything digitally and I will be determined to do it. I could design logos, shirts, banners and much more if I got asked to.
My advice would be to illustrate and specify:
The football team could ask me to design anything from a knight mascot to a banana logo to go on things from helmets to mugs, and I could do it. In fact, I actually designed..., then you might make a specific example of a real design project you did. Show rather than tell your capabilities and principles.
For the third paragraph:
Same advice as paragraph above. I appreciate that in the middle, you came up with an intense illustrative example of hardly being able to move after a track run. Here, you showed instead of told your determination.
When I was on the track team, I wasn't the best at first, but after setting a goal and trying my best running in every practice, I eventually improved greatly.
This sentence is generic.
This is less so:
When I first joined the track team, I was even slower than four-toed Joey, but a strong will to succeed and compete led me to improve my 200m sprint by whole seconds.
Sorry if that sounds stupid, I know nothing about track. But I suggest to be much more illustrative. Show, don't tell. It's much better for interesting writing.