liomio
Oct 24, 2014
liomio
Oct 23, 2014
Undergraduate / Harmony in all aspects of life matters to me - Stanford [3]
They didn't care that I was a foreigner and neither did I
-you're coming across as saying that you didn't care that you were a foreigner
say something like:
They embraced me despite our differences and I reciprocated their benevolence.
I remember the first glimpse of true harmony I saw was in the way the people in Venezuela accepted me into their community.
-I remember my first glimpse of true harmony: the way the people in Venezuela accepted me into their community.
is living in agreement and accord with the people around you.
-in your second paragraph you aren't talking about people, you talk about your actions and characteristics
I often struggled to make time for friends and family when I got caught up in schoolwork, but living in harmony means making time for the people you love.
-this sentence is awkward sounding
Although I often struggle to due to schoolwork, I always make time for the people I love since this is a major component of living in harmony.
-that wasn't the best sentence, don't use it but write something like that
This is one of the qualities I most like about myself
-This is one my most fundamental qualities.
Work on your transitions from paragraph to paragraph
They didn't care that I was a foreigner and neither did I
-you're coming across as saying that you didn't care that you were a foreigner
say something like:
They embraced me despite our differences and I reciprocated their benevolence.
I remember the first glimpse of true harmony I saw was in the way the people in Venezuela accepted me into their community.
-I remember my first glimpse of true harmony: the way the people in Venezuela accepted me into their community.
is living in agreement and accord with the people around you.
-in your second paragraph you aren't talking about people, you talk about your actions and characteristics
I often struggled to make time for friends and family when I got caught up in schoolwork, but living in harmony means making time for the people you love.
-this sentence is awkward sounding
Although I often struggle to due to schoolwork, I always make time for the people I love since this is a major component of living in harmony.
-that wasn't the best sentence, don't use it but write something like that
This is one of the qualities I most like about myself
-This is one my most fundamental qualities.
Work on your transitions from paragraph to paragraph
liomio
Oct 23, 2014
Undergraduate / The silence was deafening. Tennis court - Common App Essay [4]
Describe a place or environment where you are perfectly content. What do you do or experience there, and why is it meaningful to you?
The silence was deafening. I was down match point, in the tiebreak of the third set. My opponent served a bomb out wide, and followed to the net my short return. To me, time seemed to slow down, and it felt as if I had all eternity to retrieve the ball. I sprinted faster than I ever had before, and flicked the ball crosscourt. At that instant, everybody stopped, and watched the ball spin past my opponent and land on the sideline. I had done it, I had saved a match point. My adrenaline was pumping, but I composed myself and went on to win the next two points and the match, and to secure the District Championship for my team. My teammates rushed onto the court and we started celebrating. I was overcome with ecstasy mixed with splendid exhaustion.
It's moments such as these that I cherish. When I walk onto a tennis court, I am in an environment where I am perfectly content. On the court, it's not about how well I am performing at school, it's not about how so and so is doing. On the court it's about tennis: the purity of the game is what makes it so attractive to me. It offers me a place to be away from all the drama of school and life.
The court has long served as a temporary respite from reality. At night, I imagine myself at the grand Arthur Ashe Stadium in New York City, with the bright lights illuminating my play. In the spring, I become an air bender, directing the light, wind-influenced ball through the seasonal gusts. In the summer, I am a ball boy to only the finest of international players. Only when I leave the court, do I truly come back to reality.
Because I am passionate about tennis, I have gotten into teaching to help spread my appreciation for the game and its subtle intricacies. Providing an outlet for kids to pick up the sport has strengthened my own love for the game. Tennis has allowed me to gain valuable insight into my own strengths and experience as a competitor. I have learned that I operate efficiently under pressure and that I am capable of sharing effectively with others a passion I have developed through the years. My loyalty, dedication, and sense of commitment operate at full tilt when I am consumed by the integrity of whatever pursuit it is for which I have a passion.
Describe a place or environment where you are perfectly content. What do you do or experience there, and why is it meaningful to you?
The silence was deafening. I was down match point, in the tiebreak of the third set. My opponent served a bomb out wide, and followed to the net my short return. To me, time seemed to slow down, and it felt as if I had all eternity to retrieve the ball. I sprinted faster than I ever had before, and flicked the ball crosscourt. At that instant, everybody stopped, and watched the ball spin past my opponent and land on the sideline. I had done it, I had saved a match point. My adrenaline was pumping, but I composed myself and went on to win the next two points and the match, and to secure the District Championship for my team. My teammates rushed onto the court and we started celebrating. I was overcome with ecstasy mixed with splendid exhaustion.
It's moments such as these that I cherish. When I walk onto a tennis court, I am in an environment where I am perfectly content. On the court, it's not about how well I am performing at school, it's not about how so and so is doing. On the court it's about tennis: the purity of the game is what makes it so attractive to me. It offers me a place to be away from all the drama of school and life.
The court has long served as a temporary respite from reality. At night, I imagine myself at the grand Arthur Ashe Stadium in New York City, with the bright lights illuminating my play. In the spring, I become an air bender, directing the light, wind-influenced ball through the seasonal gusts. In the summer, I am a ball boy to only the finest of international players. Only when I leave the court, do I truly come back to reality.
Because I am passionate about tennis, I have gotten into teaching to help spread my appreciation for the game and its subtle intricacies. Providing an outlet for kids to pick up the sport has strengthened my own love for the game. Tennis has allowed me to gain valuable insight into my own strengths and experience as a competitor. I have learned that I operate efficiently under pressure and that I am capable of sharing effectively with others a passion I have developed through the years. My loyalty, dedication, and sense of commitment operate at full tilt when I am consumed by the integrity of whatever pursuit it is for which I have a passion.
