TheJainMan
Oct 13, 2015
Undergraduate / Why Georgia Tech? - An aspiring entrepreneur and engineer [6]
They definitely are! Thanks for all the feedback!
They definitely are! Thanks for all the feedback!
TheJainMan
Oct 12, 2015
Undergraduate / Why Georgia Tech? - An aspiring entrepreneur and engineer [6]
Thanks for the feedback!
This is 131 words now, so I can still add some more things if need-be. Also, I feel like other than the T&M sentence, this essay might be a bit too ordinary, too formulaic. Do you think that this is an issue; if so, any tips on making these types of essays unique?
Conversations I have had with Georgia Tech alumni and students lead me to one conclusion: I want to be a Yellow Jacket. Through the multi-faceted curriculum at the Woodruff School, I can pursue my interest in mechanical engineering while earning a certificate of entrepreneurship from Scheller College. Furthermore, the opportunity to be admitted to the T&M Program will give me valuable experience with critical issues by interacting with renowned companies through capstone projects - a unique and collaborative application of Tech's versatile training. In addition to receiving an excellent education, I look forward to participating in the South Asian-based Alpha Iota Omicron fraternity, an organization that shares my passion of brotherhood and Indian culture built on giving back to the community and networking with global organizations to strengthen my future.
Thanks for the feedback!
This is 131 words now, so I can still add some more things if need-be. Also, I feel like other than the T&M sentence, this essay might be a bit too ordinary, too formulaic. Do you think that this is an issue; if so, any tips on making these types of essays unique?
Conversations I have had with Georgia Tech alumni and students lead me to one conclusion: I want to be a Yellow Jacket. Through the multi-faceted curriculum at the Woodruff School, I can pursue my interest in mechanical engineering while earning a certificate of entrepreneurship from Scheller College. Furthermore, the opportunity to be admitted to the T&M Program will give me valuable experience with critical issues by interacting with renowned companies through capstone projects - a unique and collaborative application of Tech's versatile training. In addition to receiving an excellent education, I look forward to participating in the South Asian-based Alpha Iota Omicron fraternity, an organization that shares my passion of brotherhood and Indian culture built on giving back to the community and networking with global organizations to strengthen my future.
TheJainMan
Oct 12, 2015
Undergraduate / Why Georgia Tech? - An aspiring entrepreneur and engineer [6]
Beyond rankings, location, and athletics, why are you interested in attending Georgia Tech? (max 150)
As I converse with Georgia Tech alumni and students - whether it be the cofounder of Endevvr, Mary Winn Miller, or former high school companions - the thought of being a Yellow Jacket has come to entice me greatly. The multifaceted curriculum at the Woodruff School allows me to pursue the ideal balance that fits my interests: the nucleus of engineering supplemented with a certificate of entrepreneurship from Scheller College. Eventually, having the opportunity to gain admission into the T&M Program provides me with noteworthy experiences to interact with renowned companies through capstone projects, a unique and collaborative application of Tech's versatile training. Furthermore, not only does Tech offer me an excellent education, but activities such as the South-Asian based Alpha Iota Omicron fraternity - one of few in the nation - or the potential for greatness in the Model UN team that's rising in rankings would round out a memorable college adventure.
My thoughts when writing this essay: I think the last sentence may sound cliche, too general, or just flat-out weak, but I am at loss when thinking of what to change. Thoughts? Also, some sentences may have weird grammar, please help me out on that as well :)
WC: 150
A preemptive thanks for all the help!
Beyond rankings, location, and athletics, why are you interested in attending Georgia Tech? (max 150)
As I converse with Georgia Tech alumni and students - whether it be the cofounder of Endevvr, Mary Winn Miller, or former high school companions - the thought of being a Yellow Jacket has come to entice me greatly. The multifaceted curriculum at the Woodruff School allows me to pursue the ideal balance that fits my interests: the nucleus of engineering supplemented with a certificate of entrepreneurship from Scheller College. Eventually, having the opportunity to gain admission into the T&M Program provides me with noteworthy experiences to interact with renowned companies through capstone projects, a unique and collaborative application of Tech's versatile training. Furthermore, not only does Tech offer me an excellent education, but activities such as the South-Asian based Alpha Iota Omicron fraternity - one of few in the nation - or the potential for greatness in the Model UN team that's rising in rankings would round out a memorable college adventure.
My thoughts when writing this essay: I think the last sentence may sound cliche, too general, or just flat-out weak, but I am at loss when thinking of what to change. Thoughts? Also, some sentences may have weird grammar, please help me out on that as well :)
WC: 150
A preemptive thanks for all the help!
TheJainMan
Oct 12, 2015
Undergraduate / Why Georgia Tech? As a student who values hard work and ingenuity, challenges don't frighten me. [4]
I agree with the previous comment about content, but there are some things about the diction and grammar itself I would like to highlight.
First of all, you use the phrase "college experience" three times, with the last sentence having it essentially twice in a row. Also use "can provide" in back to back sentences. Use some varied diction to keep your answer interesting
This is one is up to debate, but I would refrain from using "I believe." You lack confidence in your essay when you use believe or can.
"not only survive but also thrive" --> I understand what your saying here, but the word survive lacks flavor or meaning. It could be argued that it doesn't even make sense in this sentence
I agree with the previous comment about content, but there are some things about the diction and grammar itself I would like to highlight.
First of all, you use the phrase "college experience" three times, with the last sentence having it essentially twice in a row. Also use "can provide" in back to back sentences. Use some varied diction to keep your answer interesting
This is one is up to debate, but I would refrain from using "I believe." You lack confidence in your essay when you use believe or can.
"not only survive but also thrive" --> I understand what your saying here, but the word survive lacks flavor or meaning. It could be argued that it doesn't even make sense in this sentence
TheJainMan
Dec 28, 2014
Undergraduate / American bubble - great education, continuous electricity, expansive neighborhoods, and poverty free [4]
Thanks a lot Louis for the feedback! I see what you mean with the connecting paragraph, but unfortunately, I am already at the one-page limit. Is there any area that you see that I can condense/remove to have enough space for the connector.
Also, it may be helpful to have context to what I am applying too. I am a HSer applying to a selective summer business program at UPenn called Endevvr which allows students to have real-life experience in the world of entrepreneurship (making a company, pitching to actual investors, etc.) Do you think it may be beneficial to refer to Endevvr itself in the essay, or is that unnecessary?
Thanks a lot Louis for the feedback! I see what you mean with the connecting paragraph, but unfortunately, I am already at the one-page limit. Is there any area that you see that I can condense/remove to have enough space for the connector.
Also, it may be helpful to have context to what I am applying too. I am a HSer applying to a selective summer business program at UPenn called Endevvr which allows students to have real-life experience in the world of entrepreneurship (making a company, pitching to actual investors, etc.) Do you think it may be beneficial to refer to Endevvr itself in the essay, or is that unnecessary?
TheJainMan
Dec 28, 2014
Undergraduate / American bubble - great education, continuous electricity, expansive neighborhoods, and poverty free [4]
This is my first time ever writing these kinds of essay, so assistance will be taken with the greatest gratitude.
What is your aspiration? What are some specific ways in which you are thinking of accomplishing that goal? (Essay must be only one page)
I live in the "American" bubble - great education, continuous electricity, expansive neighborhoods, and poverty free. But, when bursting the bubble, I have frequently seen the horrors of malnourishment, penury, and filth - domestically (East Columbus) and internationally (India). It is human nature to banish something frightening, and so I have made it a goal in my life to take advantage of my opportunities and return the dividends back to those who need it.
When I went to India in 2012, I bought a pizza that tasted awful for my American-developed taste. I was about to throw it away, until a little 6-year old girl in tattered clothes came with a little baby (I presume it was her sister) and asked for the food. I gave it to her, and the tears of joy streaming from her eyes were penetrating. She then promptly defecated in the corner of the street. That situation opened my eyes: I witnessed people - adults, children, babies - who had no food, no sense of hygiene, and I realized there needs to be a change.
Science interests me greatly, and that's the general path I plan to take to achieve my aspiration. Recently, researchers have come up with the microbial fuel cell: a sanitation device that can convert human waste into electricity, which can alleviate the harsh consequences from the lack of sanitation while also providing a clean source of electricity, an essential in this generation for the economy; this can then also ameliorate the problems of poverty, such as hunger.
These fuel cells, however, are still in the prototype phase and are not at the level at which they can be. I aspire to perfect these fuel cells with the right tools and people, and with the help of top organizations such as the UN, EU, and national government, distribute it across the world.
I, with my fellow teammates, presented this idea to the Ohio Model UN - the largest in the nation - to over 2,000 people, and were met the highest approval rating in the duration of the entire convention. Obviously, this doesn't mean that microbial fuel cells will be automatically perfected, but it does show that there are people who share the vision my team and I saw. Someone just needs to take the initiative. I want to be that person.
In the short-term, I want to get into an institution that will get me as close to my goal as possible, with the highest on the list being the Jerome Fisher School at the University of Pennsylvania. Schools like Jerome Fisher combine Management and Technology together, a blend that suits me perfectly for my aspirations. The connections and knowledge one can acquire in college is extremely beneficial, and that will no doubt help me in reaching my goal.
From there on out, I want to gain experience in the energy sector, which in many eyes, is the industry that is going to greatly expand in the next twenty years to meet the needs of renewable energy systems. Furthermore, with experience in top energy companies, I can see what ideas to bring forth to my company, and what aspects to change.
This leads me to my long-term goal: a successful company in the energy sector that specializes in revolutionizing technology, such as the microbial fuel cell. When combined with the expertise of the UN, EU, and national governments, the project will improve the well-being of people across the world by improving the quality of the water supply, reducing pollution and contamination, improving access to basic sanitation, and providing a reliable, renewable, and sustainable source of electricity.
This is my first time ever writing these kinds of essay, so assistance will be taken with the greatest gratitude.
What is your aspiration? What are some specific ways in which you are thinking of accomplishing that goal? (Essay must be only one page)
I live in the "American" bubble - great education, continuous electricity, expansive neighborhoods, and poverty free. But, when bursting the bubble, I have frequently seen the horrors of malnourishment, penury, and filth - domestically (East Columbus) and internationally (India). It is human nature to banish something frightening, and so I have made it a goal in my life to take advantage of my opportunities and return the dividends back to those who need it.
When I went to India in 2012, I bought a pizza that tasted awful for my American-developed taste. I was about to throw it away, until a little 6-year old girl in tattered clothes came with a little baby (I presume it was her sister) and asked for the food. I gave it to her, and the tears of joy streaming from her eyes were penetrating. She then promptly defecated in the corner of the street. That situation opened my eyes: I witnessed people - adults, children, babies - who had no food, no sense of hygiene, and I realized there needs to be a change.
Science interests me greatly, and that's the general path I plan to take to achieve my aspiration. Recently, researchers have come up with the microbial fuel cell: a sanitation device that can convert human waste into electricity, which can alleviate the harsh consequences from the lack of sanitation while also providing a clean source of electricity, an essential in this generation for the economy; this can then also ameliorate the problems of poverty, such as hunger.
These fuel cells, however, are still in the prototype phase and are not at the level at which they can be. I aspire to perfect these fuel cells with the right tools and people, and with the help of top organizations such as the UN, EU, and national government, distribute it across the world.
I, with my fellow teammates, presented this idea to the Ohio Model UN - the largest in the nation - to over 2,000 people, and were met the highest approval rating in the duration of the entire convention. Obviously, this doesn't mean that microbial fuel cells will be automatically perfected, but it does show that there are people who share the vision my team and I saw. Someone just needs to take the initiative. I want to be that person.
In the short-term, I want to get into an institution that will get me as close to my goal as possible, with the highest on the list being the Jerome Fisher School at the University of Pennsylvania. Schools like Jerome Fisher combine Management and Technology together, a blend that suits me perfectly for my aspirations. The connections and knowledge one can acquire in college is extremely beneficial, and that will no doubt help me in reaching my goal.
From there on out, I want to gain experience in the energy sector, which in many eyes, is the industry that is going to greatly expand in the next twenty years to meet the needs of renewable energy systems. Furthermore, with experience in top energy companies, I can see what ideas to bring forth to my company, and what aspects to change.
This leads me to my long-term goal: a successful company in the energy sector that specializes in revolutionizing technology, such as the microbial fuel cell. When combined with the expertise of the UN, EU, and national governments, the project will improve the well-being of people across the world by improving the quality of the water supply, reducing pollution and contamination, improving access to basic sanitation, and providing a reliable, renewable, and sustainable source of electricity.
