Posts by ezraclay

ezraclay

Dec 14, 2014

Scholarship / I realized that we would eventually die and we do not know even when; my most influential eye-opener [4]

First of , you have absolutely not answered the prompt. You need to stick with just one thing.You talk about death , God , family , fiscal situations , extracurricular activities , your ambitions to be an entrepreneur , your need for a scholarship. You need for it to be come together so talk about just one or two things. Examples include :

1.Your time at the Red Cross Teen Hero and how it impressed upon you the value of leadership and the responsibilities that it entails.
2.You life in general in , what I assume to be , Indonesia and how you intend to move for your education even though your family wont be able to meet all of your tuition.

3.Someone at an internship or job or anywhere really who was a role model or taught you an important lesson.
The prompt is very open ended. Anything will fly really , topic wise. But you need to take care to not talk about too many things.

I would not suggest it but if you still persist with this , you will need to make it :
a)More terse and cogent.
b)Persuasive because you need a scholarship.
c)Use correct idiomatic English which was notably lacking in your first draft
d)Also maybe amend your essay so that we can see how you came to the realization.

ezraclay

Dec 14, 2014

Undergraduate / Education has always been a bit of a delicate matter in the Aziz household; Common App prompt 1. [2]

This is for the Common App prompt 1.
Feedback. And maybe a score on the ten point scale.

Education has always been a bit of a delicate matter in the Aziz household; a topic to be broached at your own risk. Not surprising since it's a novel idea: I'll be the first person from my family to go to college.

Like most people with an agricultural background in Afghanistan, I was groomed to take over the family lands since the very beginning. A life of growing potatoes beckoned and that meant being drilled in agrarian nomenclature, being taught to share the characteristic dread of the farmer towards inclement weather and knowing the difference between a John Deere 9630T and the Massey Ferguson MF8290 (don't even ask). All of this before I learnt algebra.

I had always been expected to choose the assurance of a respectable trade and the security of a guaranteed income in a turbulent economy, destined for the pastoral life in the idyll of the country and a tradition that stretched along generations. That was how as a child I grew up in a house where higher education was frowned upon as a plebeian pursuit.

Things were different in school however. Everyone else was planning for the future and their plans didn't involve suddenly coming into a few hundred acres of farmland. I, however, continued to grow more and more flustered when people asked me about my plans after school. By junior year of high school I realized that while my peers were beginning to strike out on their own I was about to chose the path of least resistance and was on the way to becoming just another custodian of the status quo.

Having to try very hard to reconcile my aspirations with what my family insisted I must do and dealing with the sense of alienation that arose at times like these was the hardest part. However there were times when I felt vindicated like when I saw for the first time how elegant a document the Constitution was in Law class or how microfinance initiatives like Grameen Bank meant that there was hope yet for the great many people who still live in privation in this part of the world.

Moments like these helped me to finally come out with my convictions at the end of my senior year. You can imagine how it went down at home with my parents.

"You want to do what! And half a world away no less".

In a way I could understand their reaction.It was sacrilege.A long tradition was going to end just because one person thought it was not quite 'his thing'? It seemed touch and go for a little while but in the end it was clear to them that this was the right thing. Their blessing was very important for me.

Now, as I think about the future I realize just how close I was to having given in to empty tradition and fatalism. Having broken the mould, I now aspire towards more of the same and hope to further discover myself in the process.