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Posts by kamen15
Name: Yvonne Menja
Joined: Jan 1, 2015
Last Post: Jan 1, 2015
Threads: 1
Posts: 2  
Likes: 1
From: United States of America
School: UWC

Displayed posts: 3
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kamen15   
Jan 1, 2015
Writing Feedback / It is clear to be seen that NGOs, social groups and communities are ubiquitous in recent years [3]

The headers, such "In conclusion" seem a little too scripted like you're just trying to fill in the blanks. Try writing it so that it flows without you adding the headers. There are a lot of grammar issues that I bet you could correct if you just read over it. Like "I feel that these social issues are much more concerned about by younger generation." . Other than that your points are strong just try to work on making everything flow together.
kamen15   
Jan 1, 2015
Undergraduate / From 2015 ability to buy or sell unhealthy snacks and drinks at school has been removed [3]

Prompt: Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you.

As of the beginning of this 2014-2015 school year the ability to buy or sell unhealthy snacks and drinks at school has been removed. This decision was made known when the U.S. government announced its "smart snacks in schools" nutrition standards. It set limits for the foods that are not a part of the regular school meal in terms of calories, fat, sugar, and sodium. These rules weren't set to effect any snacks sold at after school or at any fundraising events. My school district made the decision to extend the standards on school organizations as well. This restricted clubs and other student organizations from selling these snacks to raise money. For example my school had icees for students to purchase in support of which ever student organization was serving the drinks that week. Most of the icee profits went to our fine arts department. On Thursdays, one club was also chosen to sell pizza during lunch to raise money for upcoming events the club needed funds for. The lines for both of these snacks were always extremely long and each organization got the money that they needed and sometimes a little extra. In Edmond each high school selects an organization to fund raise for in February. The largest amount raised in one week was over $300,000, and that was only from one school high school. These fundraisers are geared towards local non-profits so they have made a significant impact on my community. Students soon started to realize that the regulations set by the school district also affected the fundraising week. It not only made students upset but teachers as well. Many of our teachers are club sponsors as well so they would have to find new ways to get funds. I took sociology this year with the schools debate couch. He informed us that the icees last year alone brought $40,000 to the school but now with that money not available he had to find new ways of getting money to take his debate team to compete in places like Dallas. My school is not the only school that has been in this situation its effected the other local high schools and middle schools. I fully support the push towards healthier choices for students around the U.S. but many students and teachers would agree that an alternative to fundraising, by selling snacks and drinks, needs to be found as soon as possible. I'm afraid that if this doesn't happen schools will start losing the organizations and clubs that keep some students interested in school whether its a sport, an instrument, or a club.

Any criticism is welcome if it helps me write a better essay.
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