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Posts by EF_Alyssa
Name: Alyssa - EssayForum Contributor
Joined: Feb 19, 2015
Last Post: Feb 21, 2015
Threads: -
Posts: 7  
From: USA
School: Teacher

Displayed posts: 7
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EF_Alyssa   
Feb 21, 2015
Book Reports / Life of Pi Analysis of the Sloth [narrator's rhetorical techniques] [2]

This is a beautiful essay, and really I don't have much to recommend as far as grammar. All your sentences flow very well, and your punctuation is good. However, you might consider lessening your use of semi-colons. They are very tricky to use correctly, and when possible it's normally a good practice to split the sentence into two sentences. I would particularly recommend this for your thesis ("Pi's admiration [...] nature.") so that it stands out on its own.

My biggest tip would be: Don't forget to source your material! Some professors will consider it plagiarism if you do not have references for your quotes. The standard for literature is MLA. There are a lot of thorough guides online (more thorough than I can give in a comment), but the most important thing is to have the author and page number credited at the end of a sentence where you've quoted someone.

For example:
According to him, "sleepiness and slothfulness keep it out of harm's way," away from the predatory grasps of the various dangers of the jungle ([AUTHOR'S NAME] [PAGE NUMBER].
EF_Alyssa   
Feb 21, 2015
Writing Feedback / Growing numbers of people send their offspring to study in other countries - it has its detractors [2]

Really good essay! You do a good job of drawing on your experience (especially with the example of your sister), and talking about the pros and cons. My recommendations are mostly minor grammar tweaks.

to ensure themselves

I think you might mean "assure" (as in, to convince themselves)

Even though it has some disadvantage, such as having a nostalgia feeling. The cons can never exceed the advantages

Try to combine these two sentences, to avoid fragmented sentences. (You might replace the period with a comma.)

phenomena force

To correct the subject-verb agreement, change to "forces" (phenomena = plural, so "forces").

the knowledge that is imparted by a specific country, in which the child moves to is abundant.

This sentence is a little confusing right now. Consider swapping your word choice, possibly to say: "the specific country where the child goes will impart abundant knowledge."

You might not be able to make friends in a certain country, loneliness would overwhelm you.

This is a comma splice. Consider making the sentence stronger by connecting the two phrases: "If you are not able to make friends in a certain country, then loneliness might overwhelm you."

I tally with the community,

For clarity, you might say, "I side with the community."
EF_Alyssa   
Feb 20, 2015
Undergraduate / Shortcomings is not a limit / Geophysical Engineering - Student Conference Application [4]

Great job expanding on what you've learned!

Just a quick tweak, and I think you'll be in good shape:

Energy resources is are essential to the functioning of modern society. On the other hands, Energy hand, energy plays an important role in the national security of any given country as a fuel to power the economic engine.

EF_Alyssa   
Feb 20, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: Unpaid works and people who squander time on them! [2]

This is very good! Your analysis is very clear. I've just recommended a few changes in the wording, to make your meaning clearer for your reader.

, of which carry children from 1 to 2, 3 and older and without children

This phrase is a little unclear. Perhaps try something like: by people who with children aged 1-3, and by people without children.

more time on unpaid works, whilst the married men possess the opposite story.

"Works" should be "work" (this happens again in the next sentence). To simplify the second part of the sentence, try: while with married men the opposite is true.

3-year-old and older child

To clarify, swap the order: married women with children three years old and older...
EF_Alyssa   
Feb 20, 2015
Undergraduate / Shortcomings is not a limit / Geophysical Engineering - Student Conference Application [4]

I think this is a great start! You definitely answered the prompt as far as why you choose your education path. I think there is still a little missing about the most important lesson you've learned. I think maybe it's already in your essay (I'm not sure if it is the lessons you've learned about teamwork with your fellow students, or if it is the practical lessons you've learned about gas exploration), but you could clarify it. Simply say, "The most important lesson I've learned so far is____", where the blank is the lesson.
EF_Alyssa   
Feb 20, 2015
Undergraduate / 'Over the metal door, there is a world of darkness and silence' - describe your place essay [3]

This is a beautiful piece! I loved reading about your special place, and the magic there. Below I've recommended some grammar and punctuation changes. I hope you find it helpful.

Over the metal door,

Do you mean beyond the metal door? (Is it above the door, or on the other side of the door?)

A cold breeze of negative ten degrees Celsius

where I put my load down

It was all low, in height, and warm, which allowed me to observe the stars comfortably, but there were some shortcomings

As I headed toward the uncomfortable, cold, high places, the view became better and pleasurable .

If you'd like to replace "pleasurable," perhaps try saying: "The view became better and more pleasant."

the place was uneasy than ever before.

Your meaning here could be clarified. Perhaps try: "I felt uneasy."

very end of the discomfortmy comfort zone[quote=jeon][quote=jeon]leave my bright 23 degrees dormitory room

You could simplify this sentence by saying, "my bright, warm dormitory room." Or, if you want to keep the degrees, spell it out completely ("my bright, twenty-three degrees dormitory room").
EF_Alyssa   
Feb 20, 2015
Writing Feedback / TELL ME ABOUT YOUR FAVORITE TV PROGRAMME ? [5]

Hello! Below I've listed a few changes you might make to correct the grammar.

"Of all the TV programmes I've seen"

Whenever you say the title of the show, it should be in italics (not quotation marks).

You might consider specifying what type of show this is in your second paragraph. (Is it a reality tv show, or a game show?) This would help clarify the response for readers who aren't familiar with Overcome Myself.

"over one thousand families have improved their lives" - To show the programme's correlation to this, try flipping the phrase: "and has improved the lives of over one thousand families"

" interesting ?" - Take out the space before the question mark.

Good luck with your revision! Keep up the good work!
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