Research Papers / The Horrific Truth About Horse Racing [2]

You need to make your introduction clearer as to the intent of the paper. After reading the first paragraph I felt like you could go three different ways with it:

1) There is some dark secret about horse racing you are going to tell me about (based on the title and sentence 8)
2) Provide me the history of horse racing (based on the first 7 sentence)
3) Provide a remedy to the decline in popularity of horse racing

You might consider moving the first couple sentences in paragraph 1 to paragraph two where you develop the historical elements that led to the abuse in modern times.

If identifying the negative aspects of horse racing is your goal (which based on the rest of the essay seems to be the case) then your opening sentence is good but you might want to follow up with something like, "Despite its reputation horse racing has a legacy of animal abuse starting from ancient times that has continued into the present." Then you could explain what this has looked like in the past and how many of these elements have not changed.

Your second paragraph provides the historical narrative of the abuse which is helpful. You lay out the historical foundation for why animal abuse has taken place in horse racing (i.e. driven by money).

In the paragraphs that follow you provide excellent concrete examples as to how this abuse negatively affects horses involved in these races.

Your conclusion sums up your argument that the source of the problem is animal abuse due to the sport being so money driven.

In order to strengthen this essay the author should provide greater clarity in their opening paragraph by clearly stating the intent of the paper. In addition, providing a stronger correlation between money and animal abuse would bolster the effectiveness of the argument (perhaps add prize money figures as to how much the races are bringing in vs. how much money is being invested in the care and protection of them, etc.). Lastly, correcting grammatical and spelling errors will help the reader stay focused on the information presented within it.

Writing Feedback / We can name some drawbacks of modern communication, but it still won't outshine its benefits [2]

Your opening paragraph could improve by identifying the problem in a clearer way.

For instance in your first sentence you might write something to the affect of Something to affect of,"In our technologically driven world the social aspects of person to person contact can often be neglected."

Then in the next sentence you can give an example of what this kind of interaction may have looked like prior to the tech age.

It would be helpful to start the second paragraph by communicating to the reader that you will now be arguing for the positive benefits of technology. For example, something like "one of many advantages of using technology to communicate is..."

In your fourth paragraph it seems like you diverge from your original topic by identifying fraud as one of the negative aspects of these kind of technologies. While fraud is certainly a negative affect, what does it have to do with the social aspects that you mention in your opening paragraph? Something about the lack of human interaction technology brings would seem to be more in line with the original intent of the essay as outlined in the first paragraph.

Overall the essay can be strengthened by increasing the length of paragraphs by providing concrete examples of both the benefits and problems associated with the social functions of technology. In addition, guiding the reader through the original argument formulated in the first paragraph will bolster the persuasiveness of the paper.