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We can name some drawbacks of modern communication, but it still won't outshine its benefits

IqbalThemi 44 / 46 13  
Apr 4, 2015   #1
Modern forms of communication such as email and messaging have reduced the amount of time people spend seeing their friends. This has had a negative effect on their social lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays, there is no doubt that the opportunity to meet friends by people experiences a decrease after many people use modern communication such as email and messaging. For this issue, some people believe that there are negative impacts from using modern communication on their social live. While I also believe that negative effect of modern communication is true, I argue that positive impact of this outweighs drawbacks.

JoshN - / 2  
Apr 4, 2015   #2
Your opening paragraph could improve by identifying the problem in a clearer way.

For instance in your first sentence you might write something to the affect of Something to affect of,"In our technologically driven world the social aspects of person to person contact can often be neglected."

Then in the next sentence you can give an example of what this kind of interaction may have looked like prior to the tech age.

It would be helpful to start the second paragraph by communicating to the reader that you will now be arguing for the positive benefits of technology. For example, something like "one of many advantages of using technology to communicate is..."

In your fourth paragraph it seems like you diverge from your original topic by identifying fraud as one of the negative aspects of these kind of technologies. While fraud is certainly a negative affect, what does it have to do with the social aspects that you mention in your opening paragraph? Something about the lack of human interaction technology brings would seem to be more in line with the original intent of the essay as outlined in the first paragraph.

Overall the essay can be strengthened by increasing the length of paragraphs by providing concrete examples of both the benefits and problems associated with the social functions of technology. In addition, guiding the reader through the original argument formulated in the first paragraph will bolster the persuasiveness of the paper.

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