catapultcow
May 15, 2015
Undergraduate / Assignment about Culture Shock when you come to America. [5]
vchau,
I agree with Justivy. Your essay is good for someone new to writing. Even though there are grammatical mistakes, they are not priority when it comes to writing an essay. It is structure of the essay that matters most. Learning how to structure a paper is much easier than learning all of the grammatical formats, and it brings much more clarity to the paper.
When I am talking about structure, I am referring to Introduction, Body and Conclusion. The introduction should present the main idea and vaguely introduce the supporting arguments, or body paragraphs. The body paragraphs will argue or support, in detail, for the main idea in the introduction. Lastly, the conclusion will remind the readers of the main idea and strengthening the supporting evidence.
Now, let's look at your essay.
Introduction: "Cultural shock is a psychological reaction that happens to anyone who visit or immigrate to a new country.And I was nonot an exception. When I moved to the US, I tried my best to go through my adjusted period."
This has a main idea of cultural shock. However, there is no supporting evidence. You have to tell me how or why is there a cultural shock.
Body #1: Topic sentence "Language is the most difficult problem that I have been trying to adjust" is the same as Body #2: "Additionally, communicating by English is also my fear". This is redundant. If you talk about what happened during your travel, then your first sentence, or topic sentence needs to tell us that.
Body #2: Again, to avoid redundancy, you need to have a topic sentence referring to your engagement with your family members, and not about English is your fear. We already know English is your fear, or you are not good at at it.
Body #3: This is good. Just remember to mention it in your introduction as support to your main idea of cultural shock.
Conclusion: Where is the term "cultural shock"? Even though you stated your supporting points, strengthen it. Take this sentence out, "Also I recognize I should study about new regions so I will not be shocked when I live or travel there." It has no relation to your essay.
Hope that helps!
vchau,
I agree with Justivy. Your essay is good for someone new to writing. Even though there are grammatical mistakes, they are not priority when it comes to writing an essay. It is structure of the essay that matters most. Learning how to structure a paper is much easier than learning all of the grammatical formats, and it brings much more clarity to the paper.
When I am talking about structure, I am referring to Introduction, Body and Conclusion. The introduction should present the main idea and vaguely introduce the supporting arguments, or body paragraphs. The body paragraphs will argue or support, in detail, for the main idea in the introduction. Lastly, the conclusion will remind the readers of the main idea and strengthening the supporting evidence.
Now, let's look at your essay.
Introduction: "Cultural shock is a psychological reaction that happens to anyone who visit or immigrate to a new country.
This has a main idea of cultural shock. However, there is no supporting evidence. You have to tell me how or why is there a cultural shock.
Body #1: Topic sentence "Language is the most difficult problem that I have been trying to adjust" is the same as Body #2: "Additionally, communicating by English is also my fear". This is redundant. If you talk about what happened during your travel, then your first sentence, or topic sentence needs to tell us that.
Body #2: Again, to avoid redundancy, you need to have a topic sentence referring to your engagement with your family members, and not about English is your fear. We already know English is your fear, or you are not good at at it.
Body #3: This is good. Just remember to mention it in your introduction as support to your main idea of cultural shock.
Conclusion: Where is the term "cultural shock"? Even though you stated your supporting points, strengthen it. Take this sentence out, "Also I recognize I should study about new regions so I will not be shocked when I live or travel there." It has no relation to your essay.
Hope that helps!
