Letters / Appeal letter to my dream university (SMU School of Business) [5]

Thank you guys for reviewing my appeal letter. I really appreciate it.
Here is an edited version of my appeal letter after considering the suggestions you guys gave. Thank you so much!
Anymore essay forum users help please? :)

Nelson Mandela once said: "There is no passion to be found playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living". These words aptly reflect my motivation to achieve what is possible to me but impossible to others.

During my study in Temasek Polytechnic, I was greatly affected by the untimely demise of a close friend. It was a tumultuous period for me because of the close bond we had after spending most of our lives together. I was devastated for most of my polytechnic days and my grades deteriorated. After my polytechnic studies, I knew my grades did not truly reflect my natural aptitude for learning and I was capable of much more. I knew I had to display my innate capabilities, in a way or another, to SMU and I went on to take the extremely competitive SAT. In the recent SAT sitting on 2nd May 2015, I took the SAT and achieved a perfect score of 2400/2400. I emerged the top 99th percentile of the international cohort taking this test, beating out students from the prestigious Ivy League Universities. However, I was not satisfied and I knew I could do more than just academic achievements.

I founded my own e-commerce retail business with my savings of $5000 and 4 months since its inception, it has made $4000 profits. I am confident that I can make it grow and make at least $12000 at the end of this year. In addition, I am currently developing another business idea that I believe will effectively tackle problems confronting people not only in Singapore, but also all over the world. It would effectively solve problems such as the high cost of housing in developed cities, the high cost of car ownership in Singapore and the labour crunch in developed countries. Using my business idea, I hope I can represent SMU to take part in the biennial Lee Kuan Yew Global Business Plan Competition and bring pride to SMU's Lee Kong Chian School of Business.

Many of my friends and relatives have asked, "Why SMU?" and I have always confidently given them same answer. SMU offers creative individuals with carefully curated modules that can expand our options. Modules such as "Decision Analysis" gives us insights on the potential ramifications of our decisions and "Economics of Globalisation" that enhances our understanding on how economic integration can help benefit both developing and developed countries. SMU will be able to support me with a network that can only be found in an institution with a cosmopolitan outlook and a focus on attributes such as interpersonal skills. In addition, the opportunities given by SMU's Entrepreneurship programs such as Lee Kuan Yew Global Business Plan Competition, Entrepreneurs' Corner and SMU Innovation Awards will broaden my perspective and grant me the necessary resources to develop my business ideas. With the incentives and opportunities given by SMU, I am indeed highly motivated to contribute to the start-up spirit in SMU with both my beliefs and newfound experiences - only the clashing of beliefs can set forth new ideas.

As a zealous world traveller, I have travelled to many countries all over the globe to experience the myriad of cultures they offer. From San Jose, California (Silicon Valley) to Toronto, Canada, I gained insights on how Start-ups should be founded and how I should present the potential of my business idea to investors. These international experiences were salient in augmenting my views on how I can efficiently manage a business. The most memorable experience I had was a short three month stay at my cousin's apartment in Princeton, New Jersey. She graduated from Princeton University and was working for Goldman Sachs. During my stay with her, she allowed me to see how intense and competitive people were in Goldman Sachs. I was able to witness the firm's true blue American culture and its cut-throat competitive atmosphere. There are many who think that I am weird, for enjoying such intense rivalry but to me it is indispensible for growth. There is a stark difference between the tepid attitude of Singaporeans and the unceasing drive these investment bankers have. It is this drive they have that propelled Goldman Sachs to its cardinal position in the investment banking sector and I am certain that I do have the same drive. With these cosmopolitan experiences, I believe I have an edge over other parochial students with conventional mind-sets that are so common nowadays.

I am confident that my desire to succeed and to do my utmost best will enhance my collegiate experience. My Polytechnic lecturers envisioned a bright future for me after they saw my innate capabilities. I was selected to be one of only three students in Temasek Polytechnic chosen to have an internship in PricewaterhouseCoopers (PwC). I was graded by seniors and managers in PwC and they were very satisfied with my performance. The appraisals I received were ranked one of the best amongst all of the interns of all schools in PwC. One of the directors even offered me a position in the firm that I had to kindly reject due to my impending National Service. In addition, I was selected to take part in the NTU Audit & Accounting Challenge 2013 and the SMU Tax Challenge 2013 that my team and I emerged top 12 in. We were able to obtain reasonable results despite competing against competitive teams from the various Universities.

Despite my rejection, SMU still lingers in my mind, and I must exhaust all enrolment opportunities to be fully contented with the application. I am sure I could make great strides in the right direction by attending SMU. I truly believe that everything would work out for the best. Thank you for taking the time to review my application.