audpodz
Jun 14, 2015
Graduate / My goal to study medicine all started out with my brother being diagnosed with diabetes [8]
I honestly think this is really well developed and you've got solid organization. Really interesting hook.
I like how you name specifics (insulin, glucose) in the intro. Gives it a realistic and honest feel.
"My desire to become a physician led me to shadow my family doctor, and it was one of the most valuable experiences because it introduced me to the clinical aspects to the practice of medicine."
I feel like the structure of this sentence is kind of basic, which is not a bad thing, but as an opening statement I think you can spruce it up. Just making it an appositive would improve it. (My desire to become a physician led me to shadow my family doctor, one of the most valuable experiences to my career, as it introduced me to the clinical aspects to the practice of medicine.)
It was great that you compared your treatment of your brother to your family doctor's patient care.
" I would ask my doctor questions pertaining to the cases just covered, and he would explain to me the process of clinical overflow, including how he uses differential diagnosis and which tests he orders in order to come up with a final diagnosis."
Isn't this obvious for an internship? I understand that this is specific to medicine, but wording it differently could slice out some of the monotony.
"While I was preparing a group presentation on the cellular mechanisms of pancreatic cancer and cystic fibrosis, I learned how to best collaborate with my peers in order to effectively deliver our findings to the class, which helped me further develop my communications and interpersonal skills."
Do you have any way you could qualify this, or add to the statement? I know that you likely don't want to spend too much on a small bonus like this, but perhaps you could better illustrate it instead of just saying[i][/i] the experience improved your skills?
Wow, what a great essay. You seem like a very dedicated pre-med student! Best of luck.
I honestly think this is really well developed and you've got solid organization. Really interesting hook.
I like how you name specifics (insulin, glucose) in the intro. Gives it a realistic and honest feel.
"My desire to become a physician led me to shadow my family doctor, and it was one of the most valuable experiences because it introduced me to the clinical aspects to the practice of medicine."
I feel like the structure of this sentence is kind of basic, which is not a bad thing, but as an opening statement I think you can spruce it up. Just making it an appositive would improve it. (My desire to become a physician led me to shadow my family doctor, one of the most valuable experiences to my career, as it introduced me to the clinical aspects to the practice of medicine.)
It was great that you compared your treatment of your brother to your family doctor's patient care.
" I would ask my doctor questions pertaining to the cases just covered, and he would explain to me the process of clinical overflow, including how he uses differential diagnosis and which tests he orders in order to come up with a final diagnosis."
Isn't this obvious for an internship? I understand that this is specific to medicine, but wording it differently could slice out some of the monotony.
"While I was preparing a group presentation on the cellular mechanisms of pancreatic cancer and cystic fibrosis, I learned how to best collaborate with my peers in order to effectively deliver our findings to the class, which helped me further develop my communications and interpersonal skills."
Do you have any way you could qualify this, or add to the statement? I know that you likely don't want to spend too much on a small bonus like this, but perhaps you could better illustrate it instead of just saying[i][/i] the experience improved your skills?
Wow, what a great essay. You seem like a very dedicated pre-med student! Best of luck.