Writing Feedback / IELTS: Building new sports facilities is the best way for public health?? [3]

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
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Please help my essay fixed well...

Through the progression of time, the issues surrounding education have fuelled a controversy in society. The controversy revolves around the volunteer activities of high school curriculums. This essay will take a social perspective to show a firm agreement with this claim.

In such a contemporary society, there is a strong favour towards high school curriculums ought to be contained volunteer activities compulsorily. Though there are a lot of sites where people need to be helped, the reality is what is lacking a lot of hands. If a lot of high school students participate in volunteer activities, the problem would be reduced remarkably. Furthermore, it contributes to developing good characteristics. Today it is obviously common that high school students tend to spend much time to study in order to enter a good university and gain a good job. Some experts have announced that this trend causes some problems such as the lack of social connections and unhealthy. However, they claim that high school students can conquer these problems throughout volunteer activities. Following this reasoning, there is sufficient evidence to support the claim.

As with most issues of discussion, a counter-argument exist in that compulsory volunteer activities are not the best way and also have a likelihood to occur some negative effects. In fact, it was reported by a Korean education expert that some high school students were to feel a lot of stress after compulsory volunteer activities and their grades fell dramatically. This case demonstrates that it is not good to try to force no matter how good it is. However, these aspects can be avoided by the government support. For instance, offering a variety kind of volunteer activities by the government contributes to reducing the stresses which high school students get as they can choose more suitable activity for them. As of saying this, it seems significantly less convincing to consider the demerit of compulsion.

While considering all extents of the argument, due to the fact that the counter-argument could be controlled, there was more convincing evidence to support otherwise. Hence, it can be elicited that more significant reasons to agree with the claim of this topic.

Writing Feedback / Why should children learn a foreign language so early? [NEW]

Original Question:
Some experts believe that it is better for children to being learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

My Essay:
Through the progression of time, the issues surrounding education have fuelled a controversy in society. The controversy revolves around the efficiency of early education of a foreign language. This essay will take a social perspective to discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this issue.

In the current society, there is a common perception that starting to learn a new language in primary school is significantly effective. The main reason of the approach is that young children have flexible brain which is certainly helpful to learn a new language as well as other basic curriculums such as drawing. Furthermore, young children are relevantly playful and have a lot of curiosity surrounded them. Therefore, they tend to ask without hesitation whenever they have a question which makes them feel uncomfortable, no matter how it is tiny. It is no doubt that this factor can make children learn a new language more easily and effectively. In addition, some experts of education announced that young children are able to memorize words better than adults. In consideration of these factors, they will certainly be advantageous to society.

Along with the merits, the drawbacks must also be acknowledged. Some specialists of education reported that learning a new language ought to be conducted in secondary school since it is obviously difficult for young children to learn mechanism of two languages such as grammar in a same time. However, this aspect seems to be limited in that the government makes a efforts to insert a variety of tactics into school curriculums. For instance, offering easy books into schools is a good measure. Even if the books contain a lot of vivid pictures or cartoons, the effectiveness skyrockets remarkably. By acknowledging this, it goes to show that the perceived flaw may not quite be significant.

Upon thorough analysis, it is evident that while both advantages and disadvantages exist, the government strategies, which make demerits of this topic reduce, is an important factor to note. Hence, it can be elicited that the advantages, in fact, outweigh the disadvantages.