Undergraduate / Women's Safe House, volunteering - Common Application Essay [34]

I actually just left Delhi and will be heading back to the US soon kritipg
I think its really brave of you to be able to manage the change of going to school in New Delhi. Good Luck I am sure you will be great!!

Undergraduate / Women's Safe House, volunteering - Common Application Essay [34]

Thanks for your comments guys!!
kritipg- I read your first essay and totally realized what you are saying. However, what Sean and some others said was that my first essay was about my small experience- the one about tutoring. I liked that essay too, but I agree with them because it is a VERY common topic. But, the other topic I wrote about was common too (india and stuff) so, I am really unsure about what to do. I am in India right now, so I guess that's one of the reasons why it was easier to write about that and my experiences here.

I have been reading online and I think that I might end up writing a TON of essays (even just the personal statements) before I really find the one I love.

I was thinking of staying with the topic- significant experience, etc.
What do you guys think about these other possible topics?

1. A woman's cancer story- I overheard it and the impact and almost terror it brought to me was even more powerful to me- she had an amazing enthusiastic disposition even though she was literally like 90 years old

2. I saw a documentary on cancer after that: Crazy Sexy Caner could that be a possible topic? Probably too weak even though I was really moved by her positive attitude

3. Talking about how I learned that times are changing and that it is equally important to keep a hold on those childhood memories as it is to embrace the present and future. I would start off by describing the swing my grandparent's house has that has ALWAYS been there, but how it has been worn away and how its surroundings have changed. Maybe show me sitting on it every summer and how it would change every time.

4. About my working at the Women's Safe House, I just went once for helping them wrap presents- however, I was there for about 15 hours and I thought that the women, many of whom were burned by their husbands, were really powerful too. We did not speak, but there was a sort of unspoken communication between us of gratefulness for life and a new beginning

5. Also, I was driven to my lab internship every day in New Delhi, and I saw the same person driving one of those "bike-drawn rikshas" he wore the same clothing everyday and would bike up a HUGE hill everyday right next to me. It really showed me the value of persistence and personal drive.

Let me know which would be best to you
thanks- all your comments really get my noggin thinking!

Undergraduate / Women's Safe House, volunteering - Common Application Essay [34]

Hi everyone the revised version of my essay is below. Tell me what you think. Your comments are appreciated.

Walking down a street in New Delhi, India for the first time, a person can only notice a few things: the filth, the population, and the traffic. These three things alone can inundate a person. The experience as a whole is more tiring to most than anything else. This is exactly as I felt during my first trip to India. I felt disconnected from the basic facilities I was used to in my American suburb. Moreover, I only saw India for what it lacked: order, infrastructure, and cleanliness. Even subsequent trips left me disappointed in the condition of the country I am from. However, during a recent trip to India, my perception of the atmosphere in India has completely changed.

On previous visits to India, traveling outside was what I hated the most. I was restless sitting in our small car on the road, where hundreds of cars were crawling like ants. I would shudder to see and smell the mounds of garbage in markets, no doubt a reflection of India's burgeoning population. I used to cringe as my family and I moved with the crowds of people at temples and bazaars like fish in a school, unable to breath in the body odor of the beggars around us.

As trying as my trips to India became, I asked myself how was India still a thriving nation even with all its apparent downfalls. When I stopped to reflect on this question during my recent trip, I tried to soak in all of my surroundings and open my mind. Suddenly, I had understood. When I stopped to listen to India itself, I found my answer in one simple word: energy. I sensed it from the streets, the houses, and most importantly, the people. Once I noticed the positive energy, I felt it surging within me. I felt inspired to do my part to improve the country while I was there. My serendipitous realization made me feel that it made no sense to complain about how India is. By doing my part, my continued effort could begin to reduce the inequality and poverty in India. Rather than closing my eyes to the vulgarity of India's poor and assume that it has no future, I decided to open my mind and try to make a difference, to finally do my job as an Indian.

While I was just one person with new and exciting hopes for India, I believed I could still take effective action. With my new found open mindedness, I became a volunteer for UNICEF, an organization whose efforts to help the destitute are renowned. Additionally, I started to do research at a United Nations lab in India to help understand the diseases that left so many incapacitated and to ultimately find their prevention. Suddenly, the congested traffic was no longer just traffic. It was the blood of India flowing through its veins. I saw it as the excitement of activity and life reverberating from every corner. I had not become blind of India's neglected roads, people, and buildings, but aware of what I could do to help India rise up from where it had fallen. I had seen its potential in the people from working in a lab in New Delhi; their hard-working attitudes could easily be used to better their nation.

During my trip to India, I was able to do my part. By working in a United Nations lab, I researched the Tuberculosis disease. It is rampant in India because of a lack of clean drinking water. Hopefully in the future, the research I assisted the lab do will lead to drugs and medicines to reduce the numbers suffering from this ailment. Once disease in India is controlled, sick beggars can become healthy workers. By becoming a volunteer for UNICEF, I have sent countless letters to my senators to allocate more money to UNICEF so that it may help the vagrants of India and other such peoples. It has also opened my eyes to the horrendous conditions so many people all over the world face daily. With time and dedicated effort, India will hopefully be able to improve its infrastructure and reduce the number of needy.

Once I became open to differences and willing to see the potential in things, I saw a change in myself. To me, the crowded Indian markets, with people chattering and children laughing, were no longer a nuisance, but much more. The incessant honking on the streets was no longer noise pollution, but India's voice screaming out to anyone willing to listen to it. That it was ready for change if anyone else was ready to do his or her part. This trip to India opened my eyes to the world around me, and taught me the value of doing so in my daily life. Not only had I finally connected with India, but I also connected with myself.

I never thought I would learn from the filth, the population, or the traffic in India, not for what they are, but from what they represent. They represent the average Indian surroundings. They are a beacon of its potential and verve. They are the pulsating heart of India, alive and beating to the unique rhythm that I had always failed to feel. Not only that, but they alone have taught me the value of being open-minded and ready for change; to be able to see past a crude exterior and appreciate what value it may still have.

Undergraduate / Women's Safe House, volunteering - Common Application Essay [34]

i see your point- I want to add that I didn't become blind about the fact that India has homeless people and a poor infrastructure. The poverty is a HUGE part of India, but it isn't the only thing it has.

If I added that (and made it clear enough) do you think the essay would have more power?
I definitely don't want to come across as a person who ignores the bad in life.

Undergraduate / Women's Safe House, volunteering - Common Application Essay [34]

Basically I wanted to show that this specific trip to India changed my thinking- to be open-minded enough to see the good in my environment even when it seems gross or bad. I wanted it to come through my essay that I started to see what my country had to offer. Based on what you said, which of the below choices should I choose? If I added some more to my essay, could I say its the diversity essay? Not that many people use that one, so maybe this essay won't seem to common to admissions. I could also use topic of your choice.

Common App topics are
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you.

Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.

A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.

Topic of your choice.

I also worked at a United Nations lab during that visit to India. Maybe I could emphasize that a little more in my essay to show that I did something different in India and to add another dimension to myself (to show that I am more than a non-resident Indian who now loves my country).

thanks

Undergraduate / Women's Safe House, volunteering - Common Application Essay [34]

Okay- so after a LOT of thought, I decided to go with something completely different- again. I have written a rough draft of the common app topic about analyzing a significant event in your life. I feel really sincere about this topic and would like to stick with it.

Thanks and let me know what you think!! (also, its kinda long so any proofreading would help!)

Walking down a street in New Delhi, India for the first time, a person can only notice a few things: the filth, the population, and the traffic. These three things alone can inundate a person. In the summer, they feel sticky and restless, the latter because of the merciless sun that pervades every inch of India's capital. The experience as a whole is more tiring to most than anything else. This is exactly as I felt during my first trip to India. I felt disconnected from civilization and the basic facilities I was used to in my American suburb. Moreover, I only saw India for what it lacked: order, infrastructure, and cleanliness. Even subsequent trips left me disappointed in the condition of the country my entire family is from. However, during a recent trip to India, my perception of the atmosphere in India has completely changed.

On previous visits to India, the traffic was what I hated the most. There were hundreds of cars all crawling on the worn out roads like ants. We were so close to neighboring cars that I was surprised our car never got scratched. On our way to visit relatives, we were forced to leave an hour or two earlier than our expected arrival time not for the distance, but for where the congested roads would lead us. I would shudder to see and smell the mounds of garbage in markets, no doubt a reflection of India's burgeoning population. I used to cringe as my family and I moved with the crowds of people at temples, malls, and bazaars like fish in a school, unable to breath in the body odor of the beggars around us.

On a visit to my aunt and uncle, we began to discuss the quality of India's roads and general environment. Homesick, I began to complain about the dirt and heat, but my uncle interrupted me to repeat the famous words of Protagoras: "there are two sides to every question," or in my case, the perspective through which I saw India. He told me to embrace the country around me and its fast pace. By doing so, he told me, not only would I enjoy my trip to India, but also realize India was more than a third world country.

As difficult as it was, I followed my uncle's wise words and was blown away by what I saw. It was almost as if I was seeing India from a different, open-minded mind-set. The sentence before is awkward- any suggestions? I had answered the question that always remained on my mind: how was India still a thriving nation even with all its apparent downfalls? I found the answer in one simple word: energy. When I stopped and listened to India itself, I felt positive energy flowing from everywhere. From the streets, the houses, and most importantly, the people. Suddenly, the congested traffic was no longer just traffic. It was the blood of India flowing through its veins. It was the excitement of activity and life reverberating from every corner. The street vendors were no longer a burden as they implored me to buy their glossy magazines, but proof of India's life. Always accustomed to the amenities the US has to offer, I failed to see how in my hometown, the same energy India had was missing. The crowded Indian markets, with people chattering and children laughing, were no longer a nuisance, but much more. It represented the average Indian. It was a beacon of its potential and verve. It was the pulsating heart of India, alive and beating to the unique rhythm that I had always failed to feel. The incessant honking on the streets, despite the "no honking" signs, was no longer noise pollution, but India's voice screaming out to anyone willing to listen to it.

I never thought I would think that India has so much more to offer. No matter where I was or who I interacted with, from store clerks to the researchers in the lab I was interning at, I was continuously amazed at India's never-ending opportunities and many dimensions. Now, back home in the US, I miss the new found charm and charisma I have found in India. Its culture and excitement can be overwhelming at first, but soon amaze and captivate you. The color and vitality India has to offer was always in front of me; I just had to be willing to soak it all in. I want to add something that connects something I said in my intro to my conclusion- I was thinking like: I never thought I would learn to love the filth, population, and traffic, not for what it was, but for what it represents.

Undergraduate / Women's Safe House, volunteering - Common Application Essay [34]

Yeah thats exactly what I have been thinking about. I could definitely write a sincere essay on my experiences in India (and yes- I am Indian). I just need to articulate myself well- thanks kritipg

Undergraduate / Women's Safe House, volunteering - Common Application Essay [34]

Thanks so much- i actually have decided to build an essay about the injustices Indian laborers face daily- maybe under the topic of a political or international problem that in my opinion needs to be addressed (in common app)

I have had the experiences around me the whole time, I just needed to truly grasp their value to me.

Undergraduate / Women's Safe House, volunteering - Common Application Essay [34]

What I was trying to do was go with a topic that was not on a level (like cancer or abuse) that I could not relate to. Because I have never (thankfully) gone through any of those experiences, I don't know if I can say anything unique about how it influenced me. However, I do not want admissions to think that the essay I have written reflects a narrow number of experiences. What I thought I was doing was using a topic that was different and trying to learn something from an everyday event (because so many kids tutor, I wanted to show that I actually learned something from it rather than just doing it for my resume).

That being said, I do now see how my introduction does leave the reader expecting something more than it gets.
However, if I write about one of the three experiences I wrote in my intro,I feel that all I could say I learned from it are to believe in yourself, or to be independent, etc. These sounded more cliche to me than tutoring Shayla. I have read sample essays online that were about friends or appreciating something from what others think is nothing.

If you have any ideas about what I could write in addition to the "independence or believe in yourself" idea I would greatly appreciate it.

I do see how my intro needs work.
thanks for your input

Undergraduate / "Living in America converted me into new person" - essay for common app :) [20]

I feel you misunderstand me here- i am new to this forum and have no idea what the post count is or how it would help me to post often. I am just trying to help students they way you and others have helped me.

Sorry dlrhksgud4 for muddling your thread-haha

Undergraduate / Women's Safe House, volunteering - Common Application Essay [34]

Thank you for your comments- I have a lot of thinking to do before I set my heart on one essay or introduction etc.

Undergraduate / 'Student-run clubs' - Johns Hopkins Short Answer [16]

yes- this is just the short answer part of the Common Application

Undergraduate / "Living in America converted me into new person" - essay for common app :) [20]

I think that your essay is good. What I was trying to say above was that what you have written focuses mainly on how difficult and painful your experience in the US was. If I were in your shoes, I would not have enjoyed myself much. If you agree, talk about how your trip really wasn't as amazing as you thought it would be, and then how it transformed into an experience that made you a better person. You could talk about how difficult you must have thought it was to interact with Americans at your new school. If your essay is about how you wanted to learn English, then talk about how you did. Did you study it? Did you read a book that really had an impact on you? If you want to talk about the hardships you faced, connect it to learning English if you can (and more importantly, if that is what you want the focus of your essay to be).

good luck with your essay!
My opinions are my own-take what you want from them.

and by the way Liebe, what I wrote was an opinion. I am pretty sure you were supposed to help out dlrhksgud4 rather than evaluating my reply lol

Undergraduate / Women's Safe House, volunteering - Common Application Essay [34]

Liebe, you write about how the first sentences were trying to impress the readers. I was simply trying to show that I have also learned from those experiences. However, someone who has had a great impact on me was a person whose story was not as different from my peers.

Please do not confuse my writing with trying to impress anyone because I am not. I was going for a different way of starting off my essay so that it wasn't just another one about a war veteran or Hilary Clinton. I wanted it to come across as my appreciation for what Shayla, a girl who I tutored, taught me in return.

In my opinion, if I am trying to think of someone who has had a great impact on my life, it should never be a person who has had such an impact on me that it remains on my mind all the time. It is not someone who has spent 50 years trying to cure cancer, but a person whose honest attempts at living life are improved by the little things in life. I would rather learn from someone who I can relate to.

Thank you for your criticism.

Undergraduate / 'Student-run clubs' - Johns Hopkins Short Answer [16]

The verbatim prompt is: In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).

Undergraduate / Women's Safe House, volunteering - Common Application Essay [34]

maybe i should add more emphasis on my new-found appreciation for the little things in life?

Thanks

Undergraduate / The day I met her will shine like a beacon in my memory forever [31]

I think your second essay was very well written. I think all you can do now is fine tune your descriptions and make them as clear as possible. I really like your first paragraph a lot- nice job overall as well!

Undergraduate / "Living in America converted me into new person" - essay for common app :) [20]

I think if you took the focus of the essay away from learning english and rather experiencing another culture, your current essay would be great. If you are trying to say that you always maintained your smile, try to show how you enjoyed yourself while playing tennis. Maybe talk about how much fun reading English was. Try not to focus on the hardships you faced, but the little things you enjoyed during your trip (because yeah, not being able to take a shower and an unnoticed eating disorder sounds really harsh)

other than some minor proofreading, this is a really good essay!

Undergraduate / 'Student-run clubs' - Johns Hopkins Short Answer [16]

Yes, the essay was simply to describe an extracurricular activity I do.
I hope I have shown my passion for debate.
thanks for all of your help!

Undergraduate / 'Student-run clubs' - Johns Hopkins Short Answer [16]

i think i will change "them" then. Do you think the essay overall is written in a creative and appropriate manner? After smaller alterations, could this be my final essay?

thanks your feedback is greatly appreciated

Undergraduate / 'Student-run clubs' - Johns Hopkins Short Answer [16]

well, i was going to put the them in italics to show suspense. I thought "them" was okay because I later clarify that they are the opposition. If it doesn't make sense, what could I put instead of them to keep that feeling of suspense?

thanks for your help and I will incorporate all your advice!

Undergraduate / 'Student-run clubs' - Johns Hopkins Short Answer [16]

thanks for your advice, I tried to write something a little different below. Rather than trying to impress anyone with what I think I have done, I just tried to show how intense it is in debate.

The lights flicker on to illuminate the area. As my partner and I step into the room, we await them. In the silence that ensues, we each organize our thoughts. Suddenly, the door swings open, and our opposition sits down facing us. After meeting and measuring up the two high schoolers before us, we give our carefully planned speeches. Following their retorts, we furiously scribble down opposing facts. Back and forth, back and forth, we continue to try to persuade the judge at the back of the room to lean to our side. Then comes the grand cross-fire, when we truly see the capabilities of our foes, and more importantly, ourselves. Every word matters and every second, we come closer to the conclusion of our debate. Such is the intensity of debate. Its thrill, win or lose, and dependence on sheer knowledge and strategy draws me to the art of debate.

its 152 words- so any proofreading will help
thanks!!