Posts by TRaw98

TRaw98

Jan 12, 2017

Research Papers / Essay about motivation letter for German's university scholarship. How to make aroused letter? [3]

I am not a moderator, nor am I an experienced writer. Please take what I have to say with a grain of salt.

In my (admittedly inexperienced) point of view this seems well done. You began by giving a concrete view of your studies and then go on to explain the limitations you're experiencing back at home and why you want the opportunity to study there. Your future plans and credentials seem solid too. But...

Grammar.

Grammar, grammar, grammar, grammar. I am completely sympathetic to the fact that you're a non-native English speaker, but the grammar mistakes make your essay so much less professional sounding than it could be. And that may be an important factor to the place you're applying to. Then again, grammar could be a non-issue because of the fact that you're writing to a German university, but I wouldn't count on it. I'm not sure how much I'm allowed to assist you directly with your work, but hopefully you find someone who can help you in more detail.

TRaw98

Jan 12, 2017

Research Papers / Creationism over Evolutionism [3]

I am not a moderator or an experienced essay writer, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.

1.) I didn't notice any spelling errors, but there seemed to be quite a few grammatical mistakes in your essay. I could help you go through some if you'd think it'd help.

2.) I don't think that you were thorough or effective enough in denouncing the opposition. For example, you say that Charles Darwin had no evidence to back his claims, but the average reader probably knows that Darwin studied quite a bit on the topic of evolution. To denounce such a seemingly reliable source, it might be better to break down a point or two of his and explain directly how he was wrong (i.e. natural selection).

3.) This isn't the Bible, nor is it the Middle Ages. People are skeptical of things that aren't proven. At certain points, you describe verses from the Bible as if they were fact instead of taking the time to show your reader why and how they make sense. Imagining your reader as an avid non believer might help with this.

Sorry for the lack of specific examples but I hope that helped somewhat.

TRaw98

Nov 13, 2015

Scholarship / Bill Gates Millennium essay #1 describing my saxual practices [3]

Thank you so much, I'll redo the essay. And 'saxual practices' was intentional...The title bar said to be unique and I make not-so-smart decisions at times

TRaw98

Nov 13, 2015

Scholarship / Bill Gates Millennium essay #1 describing my saxual practices [3]

Prompt is "Discuss the subjects in which you excel or have excelled. To what factors do you attribute your success?"

Ah, music. I remember desperately wishing to join my school's band program so that I could play the saxophone in the 3rd grade. It was such a cool instrument to me at the time, it still is in fact. But the only saxophone available at the time was damaged, and I was crushed when I transferred to a school with no band program. Unconfident and unable to afford a saxophone, I went without learning to play it until I moved on to high school. I'd nearly forgotten about the passion I'd had all those years ago, but when I was informed about the band program the memory came surging back and I rushed to the band director to see if I could join. His name was Mr. Spencer, and he still remains a largely inluential part of my life. I nervously asked if there were any saxophone slots left open. To my delight, he said that I could join by the next day-and the rest is history. The last 4 years have been amazing. I've been able to express myself in ways I never thought I could before. Things such as sporting events are less foreign to me, and my confidence has increased substantially due to the praise and recognition I've gotten over the last few years. Exploring my talent has been great, and a large cause for my drive to play is the denial of my dream to do so for so long. It was so long before I could play the instrument I admired that it felt almost like a dream when I finally could; perhaps this humbled me and made me more driven to play well. Another factor may have been my previous lack of confidence in my ability. I wanted to prove to myself and others that I could succeed at something outside of my grades and become proficient. Lastly, Mr. Spencer and my fellow band members have been amazing at keeping me focused and humble. They've provided support, praise and competition that's caused me to continually seek out new knowledge and improve.

I know I can improve it, but how?