Prompt is "Discuss the subjects in which you excel or have excelled. To what factors do you attribute your success?"
Ah, music. I remember desperately wishing to join my school's band program so that I could play the saxophone in the 3rd grade. It was such a cool instrument to me at the time, it still is in fact. But the only saxophone available at the time was damaged, and I was crushed when I transferred to a school with no band program. Unconfident and unable to afford a saxophone, I went without learning to play it until I moved on to high school. I'd nearly forgotten about the passion I'd had all those years ago, but when I was informed about the band program the memory came surging back and I rushed to the band director to see if I could join. His name was Mr. Spencer, and he still remains a largely inluential part of my life. I nervously asked if there were any saxophone slots left open. To my delight, he said that I could join by the next day-and the rest is history. The last 4 years have been amazing. I've been able to express myself in ways I never thought I could before. Things such as sporting events are less foreign to me, and my confidence has increased substantially due to the praise and recognition I've gotten over the last few years. Exploring my talent has been great, and a large cause for my drive to play is the denial of my dream to do so for so long. It was so long before I could play the instrument I admired that it felt almost like a dream when I finally could; perhaps this humbled me and made me more driven to play well. Another factor may have been my previous lack of confidence in my ability. I wanted to prove to myself and others that I could succeed at something outside of my grades and become proficient. Lastly, Mr. Spencer and my fellow band members have been amazing at keeping me focused and humble. They've provided support, praise and competition that's caused me to continually seek out new knowledge and improve.
I know I can improve it, but how?
Tyriek, the discussion that you present in the essay does not respond well to the prompt. Perhaps music is a subject that is important to you and you excelled at it, but that is not the only subject that you should be discussing in this essay. In fact, you don't even clearly explain why you excel at this and what you attribute your success in this field to. The essay is asking you to focus on your academics, not extra curricular activities.
So the correct response to this essay should mention something along the lines of your favorite subjects in school. The classes where you most often get the highest grades during every grading period. For example, you can say that you excel in music, math, science, and creative arts.Your success in these subjects can be related to your love for numbers in various forms. Music shows you how numbers can create interesting melodies using various beats and sound variations based on complex note variations. Math helps you increase your musical excellence because you learn how to compute the beats and rhythm in your head, helping you to hear the music even before you play it. While the musical arts allowed you to express yourself allowing you to combine those interests where you excel into one field, the school band, where yo allow music and math to combine in order to deliver something the whole community can enjoy. That is the kind of essay that responds to the prompt and highlights the factors that you attribute to your musical success as a person.
By the way, please say "Saxophone Practice" or change the title of your essay. "Saxual Practice" can be and is misread by "Sexual Practices" by most people whom I showed the title of your essay to. I mistakenly read it the same way as well. Which is why I am 99% sure that the reviewer will most likely misread your essay title as well. Just use the basic title of the essay to play safe, "Bill Gates millenium Essay 1" is more than enough if you can't come up with a more relevant and safe title for your essay.
Thank you so much, I'll redo the essay. And 'saxual practices' was intentional...The title bar said to be unique and I make not-so-smart decisions at times
