karenhwu
Nov 16, 2015
Undergraduate / New Education, New chance. UC Prompt #1 [4]
Hello
I'm really new to this forum, but by surfing around for a while I found some pretty helpful comments on the essays.
I was just wondering if anyone would be kindly enough to read mine?
I started my essay a while ago but I have always been really shy about people reading it, thinking that they would judge me on my bad english. But I really do need help on this essay because college is a big thing for me and my family.
I'm sorry if my grammar and engilsh is bad in the essay, I will be glad to recieve any criticism and help.
Thank you so much for your time!
Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Here is my essay: (I personally think its a little repetitive but I'm not sure how to correct it, and also this is one of my early drafts)
"The better your education, the better your future." These were words my parents had been telling me ever since I was little. My mom came from a family of seven, deprived of finance to get a better education. My dad came from a heavily military based family, deprived of chances for education. They told me their stories and I was heavily influenced by them. Growing up in Taiwan, my parents shared their values in the importance of quality of education with me. They believed that the United States has the education they wanted but didn't have have the chance to receive one. That was when they imposed their hopes on me.
In Taiwan,I was not smartest student in my class. I was not the best in academics, which was the only thing that defined success in the country. I had always felt unconfident about myself and sorry towards my parents, for they believe in education and I had failed them for not doing well enough. Then in 2009, I saw a new chance. My dad received an opportunity from his job to moved to the United States. He gladly took it, believing that I would have a greater chance in life with a better quality education. I was excited and pressured at the same time, excited for my new chance and the education my parents' have been talking about but pressured from how precious this opportunity I am lucky to receive.
I worked hard at my new school, overcoming language and social barriers to strive for good grades. However, I began to notice something that forever changed my life, the variety of options the education offers here. I didn't have to focus solely on my academics, because the society didn't simply judge my success from that. I could explore myself with different sports and arts, and to redefine my abilities. I began to experience in person the difference in quality between the two education and its effects on me. It was then when I understood the meaning behind my parents' words and their strong desire for educational chances in America. The "better" education offered much more chances for me to shine. Before, academics meant everything, but the new environment provided a different approach to success. If it weren't for this new opportunity my parents had created for me, I would've never discover my passion and my abilities in the arts. The more I became involved into my art career the more I am thankful to experience this change.
But I yearned for more. I believe that I was able to discover my talents because of the right education I received. I want to learn more about my abilities by furthering my education. I once was lucky to upgrade from the limited Taiwan school system because of my parents' hard work, but I desire more. I want to become the first one in my family to experience the true quality education of the American college, the experience my parents once craved. I want to fulfill my parents and my dream by striving for a higher education. My experiences had taught me the importance of education and also shaped my aspiration to become an art teacher, to provide opportunities I received in the United States to those who aren't as fortunate as me.
Hello
I'm really new to this forum, but by surfing around for a while I found some pretty helpful comments on the essays.
I was just wondering if anyone would be kindly enough to read mine?
I started my essay a while ago but I have always been really shy about people reading it, thinking that they would judge me on my bad english. But I really do need help on this essay because college is a big thing for me and my family.
I'm sorry if my grammar and engilsh is bad in the essay, I will be glad to recieve any criticism and help.
Thank you so much for your time!
Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Here is my essay: (I personally think its a little repetitive but I'm not sure how to correct it, and also this is one of my early drafts)
"The better your education, the better your future." These were words my parents had been telling me ever since I was little. My mom came from a family of seven, deprived of finance to get a better education. My dad came from a heavily military based family, deprived of chances for education. They told me their stories and I was heavily influenced by them. Growing up in Taiwan, my parents shared their values in the importance of quality of education with me. They believed that the United States has the education they wanted but didn't have have the chance to receive one. That was when they imposed their hopes on me.
In Taiwan,I was not smartest student in my class. I was not the best in academics, which was the only thing that defined success in the country. I had always felt unconfident about myself and sorry towards my parents, for they believe in education and I had failed them for not doing well enough. Then in 2009, I saw a new chance. My dad received an opportunity from his job to moved to the United States. He gladly took it, believing that I would have a greater chance in life with a better quality education. I was excited and pressured at the same time, excited for my new chance and the education my parents' have been talking about but pressured from how precious this opportunity I am lucky to receive.
I worked hard at my new school, overcoming language and social barriers to strive for good grades. However, I began to notice something that forever changed my life, the variety of options the education offers here. I didn't have to focus solely on my academics, because the society didn't simply judge my success from that. I could explore myself with different sports and arts, and to redefine my abilities. I began to experience in person the difference in quality between the two education and its effects on me. It was then when I understood the meaning behind my parents' words and their strong desire for educational chances in America. The "better" education offered much more chances for me to shine. Before, academics meant everything, but the new environment provided a different approach to success. If it weren't for this new opportunity my parents had created for me, I would've never discover my passion and my abilities in the arts. The more I became involved into my art career the more I am thankful to experience this change.
But I yearned for more. I believe that I was able to discover my talents because of the right education I received. I want to learn more about my abilities by furthering my education. I once was lucky to upgrade from the limited Taiwan school system because of my parents' hard work, but I desire more. I want to become the first one in my family to experience the true quality education of the American college, the experience my parents once craved. I want to fulfill my parents and my dream by striving for a higher education. My experiences had taught me the importance of education and also shaped my aspiration to become an art teacher, to provide opportunities I received in the United States to those who aren't as fortunate as me.
