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New Education, New chance. UC Prompt #1


karenhwu 1 / -  
Nov 16, 2015   #1
Hello
I'm really new to this forum, but by surfing around for a while I found some pretty helpful comments on the essays.
I was just wondering if anyone would be kindly enough to read mine?
I started my essay a while ago but I have always been really shy about people reading it, thinking that they would judge me on my bad english. But I really do need help on this essay because college is a big thing for me and my family.

I'm sorry if my grammar and engilsh is bad in the essay, I will be glad to recieve any criticism and help.
Thank you so much for your time!

Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Here is my essay: (I personally think its a little repetitive but I'm not sure how to correct it, and also this is one of my early drafts)

"The better your education, the better your future." These were words my parents had been telling me ever since I was little. My mom came from a family of seven, deprived of finance to get a better education. My dad came from a heavily military based family, deprived of chances for education. They told me their stories and I was heavily influenced by them. Growing up in Taiwan, my parents shared their values in the importance of quality of education with me. They believed that the United States has the education they wanted but didn't have have the chance to receive one. That was when they imposed their hopes on me.

In Taiwan,I was not smartest student in my class. I was not the best in academics, which was the only thing that defined success in the country. I had always felt unconfident about myself and sorry towards my parents, for they believe in education and I had failed them for not doing well enough. Then in 2009, I saw a new chance. My dad received an opportunity from his job to moved to the United States. He gladly took it, believing that I would have a greater chance in life with a better quality education. I was excited and pressured at the same time, excited for my new chance and the education my parents' have been talking about but pressured from how precious this opportunity I am lucky to receive.

I worked hard at my new school, overcoming language and social barriers to strive for good grades. However, I began to notice something that forever changed my life, the variety of options the education offers here. I didn't have to focus solely on my academics, because the society didn't simply judge my success from that. I could explore myself with different sports and arts, and to redefine my abilities. I began to experience in person the difference in quality between the two education and its effects on me. It was then when I understood the meaning behind my parents' words and their strong desire for educational chances in America. The "better" education offered much more chances for me to shine. Before, academics meant everything, but the new environment provided a different approach to success. If it weren't for this new opportunity my parents had created for me, I would've never discover my passion and my abilities in the arts. The more I became involved into my art career the more I am thankful to experience this change.

But I yearned for more. I believe that I was able to discover my talents because of the right education I received. I want to learn more about my abilities by furthering my education. I once was lucky to upgrade from the limited Taiwan school system because of my parents' hard work, but I desire more. I want to become the first one in my family to experience the true quality education of the American college, the experience my parents once craved. I want to fulfill my parents and my dream by striving for a higher education. My experiences had taught me the importance of education and also shaped my aspiration to become an art teacher, to provide opportunities I received in the United States to those who aren't as fortunate as me.

vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Nov 16, 2015   #2
Caroline, the first thing that you should keep in mind about the members of this forum is that we are all here to help one another out. No judgement involved. While we might sound critical in reviewing your essay, it is always because we want to make sure that you can develop the best essay that you can. While I did see that there are some grammar problems to be addressed in your essay, you should not be embarrassed by it. Remember, everyone here came here for the same reason that you did, not everyone can speak perfect English, but we can all try to do that. We do that by practicing in an environment where people of the same abilities have come to co-exist and as such, end up helping one another gain more proficiency in the language. So don't be embarrassed, don't be shy, we won't judge. We will only help :-) Consider us all your friends and support group in your quest to get into college by polishing your college application essays :-)

That said, I have to point out that you have a keen eye for your own writing mistakes. You did catch the redundancy 9another term for repetitiveness) most specially at the beginning of your essay. However, your work seemed to fall into a rhythm as you progressed and, while there is still room for editing, you really did a good job. Let me offer some insight as to how to avoid the repetitiveness in your essay. You can work it into your next draft and from there, we can continue polishing the essay :-)

Here we go!

"The better your education, the better your future." These were THE words OF ENCOURAGEMENT THAT my parents had been telling me ever since I was little. My mom came from a family of seven, deprived of financeS to get a better education. My dad came from a heavily military based family, deprived of chances for education THAT PREVENTED HIM FROM SEEKING ANOTHER AVENUE FOR EDUCATION. They told me their stories and I was heavily STRONGLY influenced by them. Growing up in Taiwan, my parents shared their values in REGARDING the importance of quality of education with me. They believed that the United States has OFFERED the education they wanted but didn't have have the chance to receive one . That was when they imposed HOPED THAT I COULD ACHIEVE WHAT THEY WERE NOT ABLE TO. their hopes on me.

In Taiwan,I was not smartest student in my class. I was not the best in academics, which was the only thing that defined DEFINITION OF success in the country. I had always felt unconfident about myself and sorry towards my parents, for they believe in education and I had failed them for not doing well enough. Then in 2009, I saw a new WAS GIVEN A CHANCE TO REDEEM MYSELF chance . My dad received an opportunity from his job to moved to the United States. He gladly took it, believing that I would have a greater chance in life with a better quality education. I was excited and pressured at the same time, excited for my new chance and the education my parent's'have been talking about , but pressured from REALIZING HOW PRECIOUS I HAD RECEIVED WAS. how precious this opportunity I am lucky to receive.

I worked hard at my new school, overcoming language and social barriers to strive for IN ORDER TO ACHIEVE good grades. However, I began to notice something that forever changed my life, the variety of options the education offers here. I didn't have to focus solely on my academics, because the society didn't simply judge my success from ON that. I could explore myself with VARIOUS PERSONAL INTERESTS SUCH AS different sports and arts, and to redefine I WAS ABLE TO ENHANCE my abilities.

I began to experience in person the difference in quality between the two education SYSTEMS and its effects on me. It was then when THAT I understood the meaning behind my parent's' words and their strong desire for educational chances in America. The "better" education offered much more chances for me to shine. Before, academics meant everything, but the new environment provided a different approach to success. If it weren't for this new opportunity my parents had created for me, I would've never discoverED my passion and my abilities in the arts. The more I became involved into my art career , the more I am BECAME thankful to experience this change.

But I yearned for more. I believe that I was able to discover my talents because of the right education I received. I want to learn more about my abilities by furthering my education. I once was lucky ENOUGH to upgrade from the limited TaiwanESE school system because of my parents' 'S hard work, but I desire more. I want to become the first one in my family to experience the true quality education of the American college, the experience my parents once craved DREAMED OF. I want to fulfill my parents and my dream by striving for a COMPLETING higher education. My experiences had HAVE taught me the importance of education and also shaped my aspiration to become an art teacher, to provide opportunities I received in the United States to those who aren't as fortunate as me.

Caroline, your essay is really very emotional and insightful. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I hope that the changes I am suggesting to your essay can help you to create an even better version of your background response. I look forward to reading your revised essay when you find the time to post it here :-)
akiraaa 7 / 20 2  
Nov 16, 2015   #3
hi Karen,

Since Vangiespen gave detailed advice, i just add some of my advice.

They believed that the United States has the education what they wanted but theydidn't did not have the chance to receive one . That was when they imposed their hopes on me.

In Taiwan,I was not the smartest student in my class.

I had always felt unconfident about myself and sorry towards my parents, for they believe in education (?) and I had failed themlet them disappointed for not doing well enough.

He gladly took it, believing that I would have a greater chance in life with a better quality education.
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Nov 23, 2015   #4
Caroline I would like to share that however your essay is written well, it doesn't help that you don't have faith in it, believe that what you made out of writing with your own two hands is a work that deserves praise.

It may be difficult to criticize your own work but you have to convince yourself that what you do is something that you should be proud of.

Aside from the remarks made by the other contributors above, you should follow through this corrections and I guarantee you that this will enhance your essay to greater heights and this does not mean that you write less than we do or anybody else, it's just that writing is never an easy task, it's quiet daunting too, especially when you're not really doing it all the time.

Anyhow, as mentioned, follow the remarks made on your essay, compare the work you did and the enhancement done and you will see the difference, if you're not convinced though, re- write your essay to your own writing corrections and post it here on EF so we can assist you further.


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