Graduate / 'reaching new heights in my career' - SOP For Masters in Engineering from Victoria University [4]

Hi dilwar1,

Your second draft is a significant improvement. There are still a few sentences and phrases that seem awkward to my American sensibilities but that might be down to cultural differences. I do have a some substantial comments though.

The program's admissions committee probably don't know what the Total Shutdown project is. You should eliminate this specific reference or elaborate more on it.

The reference to Maslow is out of place. His hierarchy of needs is fascinating and you might be right but what do a bunch of engineering professors know about Maslow?

". . . undertook various programs from international bodies such as OSHA USA, IOSH and NEBOSH UK, which provided the 'almost' competence but I still lack a lot of theories and methods, especially in fire safety." This is both vague and negative. For example, did you complete the OSHA 30-hour training or similar formal programs by IOSH or NEBOSH UK? "'Almost' competence" could be interpreted as incompetence. Perhaps try 'well-rounded basic competency" or something similar. Instead of saying what you lack, say these are areas in which you would like to strengthen your knowledge.

Saying that you "simply google'd" isn't saying much at all. Presumably the school does not like to think of itself as just another search result. The reference to "Larry and Sergey" is too familiar and in any case irrelevant. It's the same with "LinkedIn connections". Repeating historical facts and current statistics back to the admissions committee probably doesn't gain you much unless you relate it more strongly to your personal or professional goals. Rather than saying that it was an easy decision or that you could proceed without hesitation, talk about how you carefully considered the school's reputation for academic excellence, the specific aspects of the program that will make you a better engineer or something similar.

It's obvious that you have an excellent international background in safety engineering. That's a tremendous personal and professional achievement and the desire to further your education indicates a commitment to improving your professional credentials. These are all facets of your background that should come through much more clearly because they all work in your favor. Your SoP has many of the basic building blocks but it needs strengthening and elaboration. I hope my comments are helpful in that endeavor.

Best of luck and cheers!

Graduate / Thirty-one years old studying mother. Personal Statement Ohio University Family Nurse Practitioner [3]

"Appling to family nurse practitioner school has been a dream of mine . . ." That would mean the simple act of applying fulfills your dream. Your dream is no doubt much more than that.

"I was so excited to become an RN but I was always looking to the future . . ." From the New Oxford American Dictionary, "but" is used to introduce something contrasting with what has already been mentioned. Yet the phrases following "but" are more of an extension or reinforcement of what preceded them, not a contrast.

". . . . help patients increase their overall health outcomes while managing their primary health concerns." This phrase sounds like it's part of a job description. While it's no doubt true, it just doesn't sound personal.

The second paragraph actually seems like two different paragraphs. The first part seems personal but the last two sentences again seem like they're from a job description or mission statement.

I largely agree with the comments offered by vangiespen. Furthermore, when I'm writing a truly important document, and surely a personal statement for application to a university program is important, I always have several resources at hand. For me those include my Oxford American Dictionary, a synonym finder and the Chicago Manual of Style or other recognized style manual such as the APA or MLA manuals. It's important that the people reading your submission can see that you've taken great care to produce a thorough picture of your personal reasons for applying to their program. The resources I've mentioned can help ensure that your writing is clear and concise and that each word, each turn of phrase conveys exactly the nuance of meaning that puts your application in the "Accepted" pile.

Best of luck to you. Cheers!