Batuli jalo
Dec 28, 2015
Writing Feedback / The Broken Girl - Gothic horror English coursework (GCSE) [2]
Hello I would like someone to help me with my essay piece and see if there is any grammar corrections to be done or a better way of phrasing something in the essay (any corrections would do). Thank you
By Batuli Jalo
Stop! Mother help meee- Ahhhhhhhh! She screamed in agony, The girl that had been haunting me all this time, she is being pulled apart; her bone jumping out of her joints one by one, needless to her screams they continue, turning and turning like a broken record. Then everything went silent, no turning of the rusty wheel washed with blood, no screams; nothing. I knew little about this house, in fact I only saw pictures until I came here, and I felt as if the house was laughing at me knowing how naive I was; now I was stuck in the horror with the house crying blood every day, spitting dead bodies' every hour and replaying the same horrendous images every second.
I woke up feeling very alert but that feeling was soon devoured by my feelings of excitement, happiness and ... hunger quickly lifted myself of the bed and went to the bathroom. Then the feeling of alert came again I almost felt a presence behind me, almost like a dark aura was surround the room; a child-someone small, inferior to me. I swiftly turned my head around but saw no body. That's strange, I was sure there was an existence here. But when I turned back to the bathroom mirror I saw a small pale face with blood dripping down her eyes, she wore no clothes her hair was jet black with knots above her hair and burnt skin slowly looking like it was over taking her original skin. Her jaw looked broken and her pupils were enormous as if she had lived in darkness her whole life. I froze unaware of what I'm witnessing, with blood escalating around my body; I quickly turned around but to my surprise saw nothing except my towel on the floor. With shivering hands I slowly reached for the towel understanding that I did not leave it there when I came in. As I got closer I could see black ink circulating the towel as if a child where drawing pictures; words were being written on the towel, rapidly devouring the pure white colour of the towel. Before I could pick it up, the phone started buzzing, with a startled jump I turned away from the towel and felt a gust of wind; I rapidly checked the windows but only to find them closed. I swiftly got up and turned my head to gaze at the towel once more but discovered it had gone. I began to breathe deeper and felt the blood rushing through my veins, realizing that I was subconsciously holding my breath, unsure of what type experience I witnessed I quickly reach for my phone. I inhaled and answered the phone "Hello, who's speaking"
"Hello can I speak to Bella please; it is regarding the new state house that she wanted"
"Oh yes, hello you are speaking to Bella ... so was I able to get the house?"
"Yes you have and we even decided to decrease the amount of the house"
That's strange, my colleagues told me that this estate agency never decrease their house prices, but then again the lower the price- the better.
After a few weeks I was ready to move in to the new house. It's strange to say that I didn't actually observe the house myself, merely saw a few photos taken from the inside; which was very spacious, with the living room having luxurious blood stained carpet with a Swedish styled fire place that illuminates the old fashioned yet foreign structure of the house. I enter a dark room in the centre of the house probably the living room. Shadows seem to appear around the house, or maybe I was just imaging things. Then suddenly I felt a hand grab my shoulder making me feel a burst of panic, you fumble for a light switch. I flip it up and down frantically, but the room remains immersed in darkness. Fear settles in and I quickly swallow the silence around me trying to taste for any unfamiliar noises. Deep down I know I'm not alone in the dark. Something chuckles behind a red door which resembled a blood like colour, as I slowly walked to the door I felt a gush of wind behind me and quickly grabbed the door knob before I heard a horrifying scream before I was knocked unconscious, drifting slowly to the deepest and darkest past of the house Now I knew that whatever this house was it had something to do with that girl. I knew that I could not escape until I got rid of her...
As I slowly lifted my eyelids it took only mere seconds of confusion before I fully comprehended where I was. My wrists were a sore from the erosion from the chains latching on to them. The room had a damp smell and an iron taste in the air; blood. As I looked to the right, I noticed a torture chair with a skeleton with the jaw dislocated and a few fractures to the bones. Under the chair there was old stained blood and something that looked like decaying skin. Did they skin the person ALIVE! As I slowly turned my head back to what was in front of me, a gasp escaped my mouth as I saw the disturbing image that was in front of me. It was a girl that was stretched backwards on to a turning wheel. Her eyes were still open with the expression of fear and pain clearly shown. Shivers ran down my spine as I inspected the girl's body; some bones on her leg were sticking out of her skin while her arms were twisted out of her shoulder socket. After the inspection I noticed that this looked like the girl I had seen in the bathroom and it had been recently. Suddenly the girl little head turned towards me and screamed "AHHHHHH MOTHER HELP MEEEEE, I DONT WANT THIS AGAIN PLEASE" , before I knew it I looked around to see who she was talking to, who was her mother. I noticed she had said 'again', does this mean that she had this happen to her already!? The wheel started to slowly turn backwards and slowly every blood and bone from the girl returned to its original place, as this was happened the sound of laughter seemed to be coming from the wall as the girl screamed to horror. The house was torturing the poor girl who was taken from her mother and only left to cry for her mother. Unexpectedly the house spoke again 'PLEASE WELCOME THE BROKEN GIRL, LET THE SHOW BEING!". Little did I know that this was going to be one of the most frightening and traumatizing thing to witness.
End
Hello I would like someone to help me with my essay piece and see if there is any grammar corrections to be done or a better way of phrasing something in the essay (any corrections would do). Thank you
THE BROKEN GIRL
By Batuli Jalo
Stop! Mother help meee- Ahhhhhhhh! She screamed in agony, The girl that had been haunting me all this time, she is being pulled apart; her bone jumping out of her joints one by one, needless to her screams they continue, turning and turning like a broken record. Then everything went silent, no turning of the rusty wheel washed with blood, no screams; nothing. I knew little about this house, in fact I only saw pictures until I came here, and I felt as if the house was laughing at me knowing how naive I was; now I was stuck in the horror with the house crying blood every day, spitting dead bodies' every hour and replaying the same horrendous images every second.
I woke up feeling very alert but that feeling was soon devoured by my feelings of excitement, happiness and ... hunger quickly lifted myself of the bed and went to the bathroom. Then the feeling of alert came again I almost felt a presence behind me, almost like a dark aura was surround the room; a child-someone small, inferior to me. I swiftly turned my head around but saw no body. That's strange, I was sure there was an existence here. But when I turned back to the bathroom mirror I saw a small pale face with blood dripping down her eyes, she wore no clothes her hair was jet black with knots above her hair and burnt skin slowly looking like it was over taking her original skin. Her jaw looked broken and her pupils were enormous as if she had lived in darkness her whole life. I froze unaware of what I'm witnessing, with blood escalating around my body; I quickly turned around but to my surprise saw nothing except my towel on the floor. With shivering hands I slowly reached for the towel understanding that I did not leave it there when I came in. As I got closer I could see black ink circulating the towel as if a child where drawing pictures; words were being written on the towel, rapidly devouring the pure white colour of the towel. Before I could pick it up, the phone started buzzing, with a startled jump I turned away from the towel and felt a gust of wind; I rapidly checked the windows but only to find them closed. I swiftly got up and turned my head to gaze at the towel once more but discovered it had gone. I began to breathe deeper and felt the blood rushing through my veins, realizing that I was subconsciously holding my breath, unsure of what type experience I witnessed I quickly reach for my phone. I inhaled and answered the phone "Hello, who's speaking"
"Hello can I speak to Bella please; it is regarding the new state house that she wanted"
"Oh yes, hello you are speaking to Bella ... so was I able to get the house?"
"Yes you have and we even decided to decrease the amount of the house"
That's strange, my colleagues told me that this estate agency never decrease their house prices, but then again the lower the price- the better.
After a few weeks I was ready to move in to the new house. It's strange to say that I didn't actually observe the house myself, merely saw a few photos taken from the inside; which was very spacious, with the living room having luxurious blood stained carpet with a Swedish styled fire place that illuminates the old fashioned yet foreign structure of the house. I enter a dark room in the centre of the house probably the living room. Shadows seem to appear around the house, or maybe I was just imaging things. Then suddenly I felt a hand grab my shoulder making me feel a burst of panic, you fumble for a light switch. I flip it up and down frantically, but the room remains immersed in darkness. Fear settles in and I quickly swallow the silence around me trying to taste for any unfamiliar noises. Deep down I know I'm not alone in the dark. Something chuckles behind a red door which resembled a blood like colour, as I slowly walked to the door I felt a gush of wind behind me and quickly grabbed the door knob before I heard a horrifying scream before I was knocked unconscious, drifting slowly to the deepest and darkest past of the house Now I knew that whatever this house was it had something to do with that girl. I knew that I could not escape until I got rid of her...
As I slowly lifted my eyelids it took only mere seconds of confusion before I fully comprehended where I was. My wrists were a sore from the erosion from the chains latching on to them. The room had a damp smell and an iron taste in the air; blood. As I looked to the right, I noticed a torture chair with a skeleton with the jaw dislocated and a few fractures to the bones. Under the chair there was old stained blood and something that looked like decaying skin. Did they skin the person ALIVE! As I slowly turned my head back to what was in front of me, a gasp escaped my mouth as I saw the disturbing image that was in front of me. It was a girl that was stretched backwards on to a turning wheel. Her eyes were still open with the expression of fear and pain clearly shown. Shivers ran down my spine as I inspected the girl's body; some bones on her leg were sticking out of her skin while her arms were twisted out of her shoulder socket. After the inspection I noticed that this looked like the girl I had seen in the bathroom and it had been recently. Suddenly the girl little head turned towards me and screamed "AHHHHHH MOTHER HELP MEEEEE, I DONT WANT THIS AGAIN PLEASE" , before I knew it I looked around to see who she was talking to, who was her mother. I noticed she had said 'again', does this mean that she had this happen to her already!? The wheel started to slowly turn backwards and slowly every blood and bone from the girl returned to its original place, as this was happened the sound of laughter seemed to be coming from the wall as the girl screamed to horror. The house was torturing the poor girl who was taken from her mother and only left to cry for her mother. Unexpectedly the house spoke again 'PLEASE WELCOME THE BROKEN GIRL, LET THE SHOW BEING!". Little did I know that this was going to be one of the most frightening and traumatizing thing to witness.
End