giovanni_lucky
Jan 26, 2016
Undergraduate / My FIRST SALES EXPERIENCE - SMU ESSAY on the highlights of important achievements or contributions [7]
thankyou i appreciate your help :)
thankyou i appreciate your help :)
giovanni_lucky
Jan 18, 2016
Undergraduate / My FIRST SALES EXPERIENCE - SMU ESSAY on the highlights of important achievements or contributions [7]
Thank you for constantly helping me reviewing my essay :)
I proof-read the essay and make sure to pay attention to every detail
My finalised version:
The bus screeched to a halt and the door opened, exposing a dirt road where houses of dirts stood. Surveying rural villages had been my main assignment as a volunteer at Top Holiday, a non-profit organization situated at Yogyakarta. I had seen many villages that one can deem unsuitable for subsistence. Aside from surveys, organizing donations was another responsibility of mine.
My proudest achievement was initiating a fundraising event to support the villagers of Mount Bromo. I settled on selling traditional cakes that the people of Bromo had taught me. My decision was based on my first sample of these cakes, it totally flipped me over.
I had to organize and lead a sales team despite lacking the experience. I exercised all the selling techniques that I could recall from my business book, incorporating various promotions such as free sampling to draw customers.
As a result, we sold 120 cakes throughout the day, using the money to supply sandals and jackets for the entire 28 residents of Bromo. I chose to give sandals, after observing that most residents walked barefoot, scraping their feet against pebbles on the dirt road. Jackets are of paramount importance, serving them warmth in the midst of the frosty climate uphill.
Ecstatic faces greeted my group as we delivered the gifts . The jackets had allowed them to work longer hours, specifically the elderly who often have predicaments working with the cold. The sandals gave them the versatility to travel to further neighbouring villages with convenience.
Subsequently, I earned the opportunity to implement my business skills and experience the responsibility of being a leader. The warmth of the villagers' smile provided an aesthetic pleasure, dispensing a spiritually-healing ambiance. Understanding that happiness isn't all about self-pleasure, but can sprout from making others smile, was my finest lesson.
Thank you for constantly helping me reviewing my essay :)
I proof-read the essay and make sure to pay attention to every detail
My finalised version:
The bus screeched to a halt and the door opened, exposing a dirt road where houses of dirts stood. Surveying rural villages had been my main assignment as a volunteer at Top Holiday, a non-profit organization situated at Yogyakarta. I had seen many villages that one can deem unsuitable for subsistence. Aside from surveys, organizing donations was another responsibility of mine.
My proudest achievement was initiating a fundraising event to support the villagers of Mount Bromo. I settled on selling traditional cakes that the people of Bromo had taught me. My decision was based on my first sample of these cakes, it totally flipped me over.
I had to organize and lead a sales team despite lacking the experience. I exercised all the selling techniques that I could recall from my business book, incorporating various promotions such as free sampling to draw customers.
As a result, we sold 120 cakes throughout the day, using the money to supply sandals and jackets for the entire 28 residents of Bromo. I chose to give sandals, after observing that most residents walked barefoot, scraping their feet against pebbles on the dirt road. Jackets are of paramount importance, serving them warmth in the midst of the frosty climate uphill.
Ecstatic faces greeted my group as we delivered the gifts . The jackets had allowed them to work longer hours, specifically the elderly who often have predicaments working with the cold. The sandals gave them the versatility to travel to further neighbouring villages with convenience.
Subsequently, I earned the opportunity to implement my business skills and experience the responsibility of being a leader. The warmth of the villagers' smile provided an aesthetic pleasure, dispensing a spiritually-healing ambiance. Understanding that happiness isn't all about self-pleasure, but can sprout from making others smile, was my finest lesson.
giovanni_lucky
Jan 17, 2016
Undergraduate / My FIRST SALES EXPERIENCE - SMU ESSAY on the highlights of important achievements or contributions [7]
Thank you vangiespen i appreciate your feedback :)
I decided to remake my essay and was able to fall bellow wordcount
What is your opinion in the closing? Is it too weak or too short?
Heres the reviewed version:
The bus halted to a screech and the door opened, exposing a dirt road where houses of bricks and dirt stand. Surveying rural villages had been my main job as a volunteer in Top Holiday, a non-profit organization based on Yogyakarta. I had seen many villages that one can deem unsuitable for living. Aside from surveys, organizing donations was another task of mine.
My greatest achievement was setting up a fund-raising event to support the villagers of mount Bromo. I decided to sell traditional cakes that the residents of Bromo taught me. I had to organize a sales team and lead them despite lacking the experience. I applied all the selling techniques that I could recall from my business book and with great relief, I was able to succeed. I incorporated various techniques such as free sampling to attract customer. As a result, we sold 120 cakes in the entire day which we used to purchase sandals and jackets for the entire 28 residents of Bromo. I chose to give sandals as I observed that residents often walk barefoot, scraping their foot against the stone-filled dirt road. A jacket is necessary as these people live high up in the mountain where the chilling air pierces your bones.
The villagers were very delighted when they received the gifts. The jackets had allowed them to work for longer hours,considering the old workers often have difficulty working with the cold. The sandals gave them the opportunity to travel further with comfort, they were able to visit neighbouring village as now it seemed less of a painful journey.
Subsequently, the fund-raising event allowed me to acquire first-hand experience to selling and leading a group. It was also a spiritually-healing activity, making others happy had made me joyful as well.
Thank you vangiespen i appreciate your feedback :)
I decided to remake my essay and was able to fall bellow wordcount
What is your opinion in the closing? Is it too weak or too short?
Heres the reviewed version:
The bus halted to a screech and the door opened, exposing a dirt road where houses of bricks and dirt stand. Surveying rural villages had been my main job as a volunteer in Top Holiday, a non-profit organization based on Yogyakarta. I had seen many villages that one can deem unsuitable for living. Aside from surveys, organizing donations was another task of mine.
My greatest achievement was setting up a fund-raising event to support the villagers of mount Bromo. I decided to sell traditional cakes that the residents of Bromo taught me. I had to organize a sales team and lead them despite lacking the experience. I applied all the selling techniques that I could recall from my business book and with great relief, I was able to succeed. I incorporated various techniques such as free sampling to attract customer. As a result, we sold 120 cakes in the entire day which we used to purchase sandals and jackets for the entire 28 residents of Bromo. I chose to give sandals as I observed that residents often walk barefoot, scraping their foot against the stone-filled dirt road. A jacket is necessary as these people live high up in the mountain where the chilling air pierces your bones.
The villagers were very delighted when they received the gifts. The jackets had allowed them to work for longer hours,considering the old workers often have difficulty working with the cold. The sandals gave them the opportunity to travel further with comfort, they were able to visit neighbouring village as now it seemed less of a painful journey.
Subsequently, the fund-raising event allowed me to acquire first-hand experience to selling and leading a group. It was also a spiritually-healing activity, making others happy had made me joyful as well.
giovanni_lucky
Jan 17, 2016
Undergraduate / My FIRST SALES EXPERIENCE - SMU ESSAY on the highlights of important achievements or contributions [7]
Describe the highlights of your most important achievements or contributions. These can also include your work experiences. If you have any outstanding talent (e.g. national sportsman/sportswoman, musical/artistic talent, run a successful business, outstanding community service), please include them as well. (Max : 300 words)
I joined a youth camp where I had the opportunity to experience the lives of rural people of Yogyakarta. I learned a valuable lesson of the power of compassion and sincerity. The warmth of the residents had me forgotten that I was staying in a house crafted out of dirt and bricks. I had to wake up earlier than the sun to nurture the farm, but the chatting along the way erased every trace of drowsiness. These people treated me like I was their family, although I had only known them for hours. They seemed satisfied with their condition despite having rugged shirts and ill-fitted sandals.
During our trip back to the city of Jakarta, I proposed to the youth group that we set up a fund-raising event so we can give back to the residents. I didn't have any selling experience, but the drive to reciprocate the kindness of the residents was my motivation. During my stay, I was taught how to bake traditional Yogyakarta cake. I fell in love with it, and I believe the people of Jakarta will too. After deciding on the product, I had to devise an appropriate pricing strategy that is within the customer budget. First, I calculated the cost of ingredients. I proceed to research the average spending of the people of Jakarta by asking cake shops as I will be adding a percentage from the cost so that it falls between the spending ranges. Being a salesperson wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. I had nervous breakdowns and often I ran out of words. However after a short demonstration by my mentor, I observed key points that contributed to his success and tried applying it. I observed that body language and polite manners. is of paramount importance; expressing what word cant. Establishing familiarity with customer is as important as trying to convince customer about your product.
The event went on smoothly and I enjoyed the thrill of selling. Collectively, the entire camp garnered enough profit to purchase new sandals and outfit for the entire seventy-five residents. The head of the village personally came to Jakarta a few days later just to thank us. I was touched by his effort and didn't realize that the tears of joy were racing down my cheeks.
I believe that my perspective has changed ever since I joined the youth camp. Happiness is not always about making yourself happy, it can also be achieved when you make others happy. I even learnt important entrepreneurial techniques that might be useful in the future.
How do i make a catchy intro?
Is the flow of logic reasonable?
Opinion on the conclusion?
I need to cut down to 300 words but I have a hard time cutting out the irrelevant ones
Help is appreciated thank you :)
Describe the highlights of your most important achievements or contributions. These can also include your work experiences. If you have any outstanding talent (e.g. national sportsman/sportswoman, musical/artistic talent, run a successful business, outstanding community service), please include them as well. (Max : 300 words)
I joined a youth camp where I had the opportunity to experience the lives of rural people of Yogyakarta. I learned a valuable lesson of the power of compassion and sincerity. The warmth of the residents had me forgotten that I was staying in a house crafted out of dirt and bricks. I had to wake up earlier than the sun to nurture the farm, but the chatting along the way erased every trace of drowsiness. These people treated me like I was their family, although I had only known them for hours. They seemed satisfied with their condition despite having rugged shirts and ill-fitted sandals.
During our trip back to the city of Jakarta, I proposed to the youth group that we set up a fund-raising event so we can give back to the residents. I didn't have any selling experience, but the drive to reciprocate the kindness of the residents was my motivation. During my stay, I was taught how to bake traditional Yogyakarta cake. I fell in love with it, and I believe the people of Jakarta will too. After deciding on the product, I had to devise an appropriate pricing strategy that is within the customer budget. First, I calculated the cost of ingredients. I proceed to research the average spending of the people of Jakarta by asking cake shops as I will be adding a percentage from the cost so that it falls between the spending ranges. Being a salesperson wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. I had nervous breakdowns and often I ran out of words. However after a short demonstration by my mentor, I observed key points that contributed to his success and tried applying it. I observed that body language and polite manners. is of paramount importance; expressing what word cant. Establishing familiarity with customer is as important as trying to convince customer about your product.
The event went on smoothly and I enjoyed the thrill of selling. Collectively, the entire camp garnered enough profit to purchase new sandals and outfit for the entire seventy-five residents. The head of the village personally came to Jakarta a few days later just to thank us. I was touched by his effort and didn't realize that the tears of joy were racing down my cheeks.
I believe that my perspective has changed ever since I joined the youth camp. Happiness is not always about making yourself happy, it can also be achieved when you make others happy. I even learnt important entrepreneurial techniques that might be useful in the future.
How do i make a catchy intro?
Is the flow of logic reasonable?
Opinion on the conclusion?
I need to cut down to 300 words but I have a hard time cutting out the irrelevant ones
Help is appreciated thank you :)
