brendali92
Aug 28, 2009
brendali92
Aug 27, 2009
Undergraduate / Andover High School; My summer - Umichigan Application [10]
New Diversity Essay: "We know that diversity makes us a better university - better for learning, for teaching, and for conducting research."
(U-M President Mary Sue Coleman)
Share an experience through which you have gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. Comment
on how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan.
As I walked through the back door, I was immediately hit by the stench of fried food. It was my first day working at a local amusement park in a Mexican food stand. I was introduced to my fellow coworkers and was shocked to find that I would be working with people actually from Mexico. But it wasn't only Mexicans; there were people from China, Turkey and the Dominican Republic too. They were all apart of a program that brought international students to America to work. Having a terrible ear for accents, I thought it was going to be difficult for me to communicate with them. I soon learned that connecting with someone relies on more than just words.
When the park was busy, as I took an order, one of my co-workers would begin to prepare the food. It may be confusing, as five or six people worked per shift. Yet, when I turned around, I would know who was helping with that certain order, just by eye contact. We were able to connect, despite a language and cultural barrier.
I have gained a lot of respect for different cultures and the vibrant environment the blending of cultures creates. Through this experience, I know how diversity can actually bring people together. I feel my respect and knowledge will enhance the diversity of the University of Michigan.
New Diversity Essay: "We know that diversity makes us a better university - better for learning, for teaching, and for conducting research."
(U-M President Mary Sue Coleman)
Share an experience through which you have gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. Comment
on how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan.
As I walked through the back door, I was immediately hit by the stench of fried food. It was my first day working at a local amusement park in a Mexican food stand. I was introduced to my fellow coworkers and was shocked to find that I would be working with people actually from Mexico. But it wasn't only Mexicans; there were people from China, Turkey and the Dominican Republic too. They were all apart of a program that brought international students to America to work. Having a terrible ear for accents, I thought it was going to be difficult for me to communicate with them. I soon learned that connecting with someone relies on more than just words.
When the park was busy, as I took an order, one of my co-workers would begin to prepare the food. It may be confusing, as five or six people worked per shift. Yet, when I turned around, I would know who was helping with that certain order, just by eye contact. We were able to connect, despite a language and cultural barrier.
I have gained a lot of respect for different cultures and the vibrant environment the blending of cultures creates. Through this experience, I know how diversity can actually bring people together. I feel my respect and knowledge will enhance the diversity of the University of Michigan.
brendali92
Aug 24, 2009
Undergraduate / Andover High School; My summer - Umichigan Application [10]
Revised Ending:
My summer, by no means, worked out the way I had planned. Despite not being able to attend the program, I found myself thoroughly enjoying my summer. If I had not calmed down, I would not have ended up with the same experience I had that summer. Pacing around will not magically make four seats appear on an airplane, but being able to relax allowed me to solve my problem. Thanks to this experience, I know that frantically dwelling on the past will not change anything. In the future, instead of being disconcerted, I will find solutions.
Is this better?
Revised Ending:
My summer, by no means, worked out the way I had planned. Despite not being able to attend the program, I found myself thoroughly enjoying my summer. If I had not calmed down, I would not have ended up with the same experience I had that summer. Pacing around will not magically make four seats appear on an airplane, but being able to relax allowed me to solve my problem. Thanks to this experience, I know that frantically dwelling on the past will not change anything. In the future, instead of being disconcerted, I will find solutions.
Is this better?
brendali92
Aug 24, 2009
Undergraduate / Andover High School; My summer - Umichigan Application [10]
Hi, Yeah, originally my first essay was for an activities prompt and I tried to change it..clearly I failed.
I was wondering if I could have more feedback on the second essay! Thanks
Hi, Yeah, originally my first essay was for an activities prompt and I tried to change it..clearly I failed.
I was wondering if I could have more feedback on the second essay! Thanks
brendali92
Aug 22, 2009
Undergraduate / Andover High School; My summer - Umichigan Application [10]
Part A "We know that diversity makes us a better university - better for learning, for teaching, and for conducting research."
(U-M President Mary Sue Coleman)
Share an experience through which you have gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. Comment
on how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan.
My hand shakes as I grip the buzzer.
The moderator asks: "In Erwin Schrodinger's model of the atom, what did he replace electrons with?"
As I try and recollect information from my physics class, I hear a buzz. I glance to my left and see my teammate's box light up. "De Broglie Waves" he says. It's correct and we are given a bonus group question. This question rings a bell, but I am uncertain. After discussing it with my teammates we arrive at a final answer. We get the extra point, which ends the round.
Andover High School has a science team, although the word 'team' should be used loosely. They compete separately, even against each other, and the points are added up at the end. While it is an excellent academic experience, I was looking for something that involved working with others. After many Google searches, I found the perfect competition: National Science Bowl. I put up fliers and began recruiting. While our team studied, I had the opportunity to work with some of the brightest students in our grade. The top five students from our school competed at the regional competition and although we did not place first, it was unbelievably worthwhile. Each student on the team was brilliant, but had a distinctive thought process. Having a thousand students who think exactly the same does not even begin to compare to just five students with completely different ways of thinking. I have a unique reasoning that will contribute to the diversity of University of Michigan.
Part C
Describe a setback that you have faced.How
did you resolve it? How did the outcome affect
you? If something similar happened in the
future, how would you react?
"Could she be any slower?" I thought to myself as the middle-aged woman finally appeared from the big metal doors. I studied her face which was completely void of any happiness. Before she even said, I had known it. We missed our flight. But even just hearing her say, "I'm sorry, they are already for take-off", was like getting sucker-punched in the gut. Any other time, missing my flight would be okay, but I had to be on that flight back to Massachusetts. The following the day I would be attending a summer pre-college program, and I had already missed orientation. Being late even one more day would mean missing classes, which result in not being able to attend the program. Hyperventilating, I attentively studied the "Departures" board, looking for the next flight to Munich and calculating whether or not we would catch our connecting flight from there.
We were sent to the Transfer Services, who then informed us that we had to call our airline company, all the while losing precious minutes. At this rate we would never get on the next flight. Finally, we found a phone in a lounge and while my dad was on the phone, I paced nervously behind him chomping down potato chips. My brother snatched the bag away from me, so I began chugging soda. I could not function; all I could do was gape at the fact that my dad was now listing dates and times that were in the next week. I glanced around hoping my mother and brother would share this incredulity. Instead, I was shocked to find them leisurely on the computer playing Text Twist and checking their email. Why were they not _______ (freaking out)? And then I thought "Why am I freaking out?" I was stressed and with all the bad outcomes zipping through my mind, I did not even stop to realize how unproductive (WC?) I was. Stuffing my face and ____ over my dad would not change anything.
So, I took a deep breath, walked over to the nearest computer and googled every local college I could think of. I was not taking any chances; if I could not attend the summer program, I was not going to slum around (WC) at home all summer. Hours past and while searching for dance classes, my dad's face appeared behind my computer screen. The next flight with openings was four days later. It was disappointing, but it was okay, because in just those few hours I already had a summer course, dance classes and job lined up.
My summer, by no means, worked out the way I had planned. Instead of meeting new people from all over the country (<does this make sense?), I was taking a class with students in their mid-twenties and serving fried food, while sore from a day of dance. If I had not calmed down, I am not sure I would have ended up with the same summer. Pacing around will not magically make four seats appear on an airplane. Being able to relax, allowed me to solve my problem. I know that frantically dwelling on the past will not change anything, but if I relax, I can begin to find real solutions.
I know my closing needs work. These are all rough drafts! Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Part A "We know that diversity makes us a better university - better for learning, for teaching, and for conducting research."
(U-M President Mary Sue Coleman)
Share an experience through which you have gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. Comment
on how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan.
My hand shakes as I grip the buzzer.
The moderator asks: "In Erwin Schrodinger's model of the atom, what did he replace electrons with?"
As I try and recollect information from my physics class, I hear a buzz. I glance to my left and see my teammate's box light up. "De Broglie Waves" he says. It's correct and we are given a bonus group question. This question rings a bell, but I am uncertain. After discussing it with my teammates we arrive at a final answer. We get the extra point, which ends the round.
Andover High School has a science team, although the word 'team' should be used loosely. They compete separately, even against each other, and the points are added up at the end. While it is an excellent academic experience, I was looking for something that involved working with others. After many Google searches, I found the perfect competition: National Science Bowl. I put up fliers and began recruiting. While our team studied, I had the opportunity to work with some of the brightest students in our grade. The top five students from our school competed at the regional competition and although we did not place first, it was unbelievably worthwhile. Each student on the team was brilliant, but had a distinctive thought process. Having a thousand students who think exactly the same does not even begin to compare to just five students with completely different ways of thinking. I have a unique reasoning that will contribute to the diversity of University of Michigan.
Part C
Describe a setback that you have faced.How
did you resolve it? How did the outcome affect
you? If something similar happened in the
future, how would you react?
"Could she be any slower?" I thought to myself as the middle-aged woman finally appeared from the big metal doors. I studied her face which was completely void of any happiness. Before she even said, I had known it. We missed our flight. But even just hearing her say, "I'm sorry, they are already for take-off", was like getting sucker-punched in the gut. Any other time, missing my flight would be okay, but I had to be on that flight back to Massachusetts. The following the day I would be attending a summer pre-college program, and I had already missed orientation. Being late even one more day would mean missing classes, which result in not being able to attend the program. Hyperventilating, I attentively studied the "Departures" board, looking for the next flight to Munich and calculating whether or not we would catch our connecting flight from there.
We were sent to the Transfer Services, who then informed us that we had to call our airline company, all the while losing precious minutes. At this rate we would never get on the next flight. Finally, we found a phone in a lounge and while my dad was on the phone, I paced nervously behind him chomping down potato chips. My brother snatched the bag away from me, so I began chugging soda. I could not function; all I could do was gape at the fact that my dad was now listing dates and times that were in the next week. I glanced around hoping my mother and brother would share this incredulity. Instead, I was shocked to find them leisurely on the computer playing Text Twist and checking their email. Why were they not _______ (freaking out)? And then I thought "Why am I freaking out?" I was stressed and with all the bad outcomes zipping through my mind, I did not even stop to realize how unproductive (WC?) I was. Stuffing my face and ____ over my dad would not change anything.
So, I took a deep breath, walked over to the nearest computer and googled every local college I could think of. I was not taking any chances; if I could not attend the summer program, I was not going to slum around (WC) at home all summer. Hours past and while searching for dance classes, my dad's face appeared behind my computer screen. The next flight with openings was four days later. It was disappointing, but it was okay, because in just those few hours I already had a summer course, dance classes and job lined up.
My summer, by no means, worked out the way I had planned. Instead of meeting new people from all over the country (<does this make sense?), I was taking a class with students in their mid-twenties and serving fried food, while sore from a day of dance. If I had not calmed down, I am not sure I would have ended up with the same summer. Pacing around will not magically make four seats appear on an airplane. Being able to relax, allowed me to solve my problem. I know that frantically dwelling on the past will not change anything, but if I relax, I can begin to find real solutions.
I know my closing needs work. These are all rough drafts! Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
brendali92
Aug 2, 2009
Undergraduate / Miss Judy Common App [21]
Hi! Thank you all for your feedback. I am doing the "Indicate a person that has had a significant influence on you and describe that influence". Sorry I wasn't more specific.
Here is an altered version. Again, Feedback would be really appreciated!
Teaching ballet is Miss Judy's job. She is required to show up every week, as am I. For me, a contemporary dancer, ballet is tedious, but essential. As I progressed in dance, I was required to take an extra ballet technique class. I was assigned to Miss Judy's class and was dreading it; not because of her intimidating presence, but because of the extra ninety minutes of ballet. Moving slowly around to music composed by guys from centuries ago is not my idea of fun. Yet, Miss Judy always kept me, quite literally, on my toes.
My first class with Miss Judy was terrifying. I am at the barre, standing in fifth position. My eyes are glued to the ground. Even glancing at her face makes me nervous. It is silent for a while, so I glance around, wondering if there is something wrong with the stereo. Miss Judy's piercing brown eyes are drilling a hole through my feet. She comes up right next to me.
"I can park a car between your fifth position. Close them up."
The class is done in what seems like five minutes. It may be Miss Judy's responsibility to be in class every week, but it is her passion that causes her to teach attentively.
My next ballet class I arrive 10 minutes early. In class, I point my toes as hard as I ever have and I make my fifth position so tight there isn't even enough room for a tire. Every jete or fondu she demonstrates, I memorize. I finally gather enough courage to look at her face. While I am expecting intimidation, her face is wise and passionate. Her energy radiates to me. She demands her students to try. While executing a combination I stealthily glance at Miss Judy. She is on the other side of the studio, overseeing some other students. I begin to relax. Then I hear her say to a student:
"Miss Granger, You're doing well now that I am near you. I give you a hundred and ten percent, I only expect the same."
My muscles tense. She sees everything. When Miss Judy walks by me, I hold my breath.
"I see you. Good Job. You're getting there"
I breathe out. This compliment makes my body tingle. I feel light. Each movement has bounce and even more energy. I walk out of the studio, excited for my next ballet class. Wait, what was that? How can I actually be excited for ballet? I hate ballet. But, never has ninety minutes of ballet just disappeared like they did with Miss Judy. Her compliments are earned. She has high standards, but motivates you to exceed them. While my enjoyment for ballet will never surpass my passion for contemporary dance, I now appreciate ballet. Miss Judy taught me to enjoy the requirements.
Also: Are these essays supposed to be in the present or past tense? I realize I keep on switching back and forth. Is there one tense that is preferred?
Hi! Thank you all for your feedback. I am doing the "Indicate a person that has had a significant influence on you and describe that influence". Sorry I wasn't more specific.
Here is an altered version. Again, Feedback would be really appreciated!
Teaching ballet is Miss Judy's job. She is required to show up every week, as am I. For me, a contemporary dancer, ballet is tedious, but essential. As I progressed in dance, I was required to take an extra ballet technique class. I was assigned to Miss Judy's class and was dreading it; not because of her intimidating presence, but because of the extra ninety minutes of ballet. Moving slowly around to music composed by guys from centuries ago is not my idea of fun. Yet, Miss Judy always kept me, quite literally, on my toes.
My first class with Miss Judy was terrifying. I am at the barre, standing in fifth position. My eyes are glued to the ground. Even glancing at her face makes me nervous. It is silent for a while, so I glance around, wondering if there is something wrong with the stereo. Miss Judy's piercing brown eyes are drilling a hole through my feet. She comes up right next to me.
"I can park a car between your fifth position. Close them up."
The class is done in what seems like five minutes. It may be Miss Judy's responsibility to be in class every week, but it is her passion that causes her to teach attentively.
My next ballet class I arrive 10 minutes early. In class, I point my toes as hard as I ever have and I make my fifth position so tight there isn't even enough room for a tire. Every jete or fondu she demonstrates, I memorize. I finally gather enough courage to look at her face. While I am expecting intimidation, her face is wise and passionate. Her energy radiates to me. She demands her students to try. While executing a combination I stealthily glance at Miss Judy. She is on the other side of the studio, overseeing some other students. I begin to relax. Then I hear her say to a student:
"Miss Granger, You're doing well now that I am near you. I give you a hundred and ten percent, I only expect the same."
My muscles tense. She sees everything. When Miss Judy walks by me, I hold my breath.
"I see you. Good Job. You're getting there"
I breathe out. This compliment makes my body tingle. I feel light. Each movement has bounce and even more energy. I walk out of the studio, excited for my next ballet class. Wait, what was that? How can I actually be excited for ballet? I hate ballet. But, never has ninety minutes of ballet just disappeared like they did with Miss Judy. Her compliments are earned. She has high standards, but motivates you to exceed them. While my enjoyment for ballet will never surpass my passion for contemporary dance, I now appreciate ballet. Miss Judy taught me to enjoy the requirements.
Also: Are these essays supposed to be in the present or past tense? I realize I keep on switching back and forth. Is there one tense that is preferred?
brendali92
Aug 2, 2009
Undergraduate / Miss Judy Common App [21]
Hi, This is a really really rough draft for my Common App Essay. I was wondering if this was a good topic. I know the essay probably has a lot of typos, grammatical errors, format errors, awkward sentences and not enough details. Any feedback would be appreciated!
To a contemporary dancer, ballet is like the tedious work necessary for a researcher to discover something great. People don't go into research because they love punching in numbers and collecting data. It is the end result that motivates them. Ballet is essential to excellent technique for contemporary. So I bear it, for what I really love.
My first ballet class with Miss Judy was like an audition; as were my second, third, fourth and pretty much every other class. It is my first day dancing with the Advanced Two Ballet Class. I am running late. As I pull on my ballet shoes, I slip quietly into the studio. They are in the middle of a combination so I skitter to the closest barre, joining in. The music ceases and Miss Judy introduces the next combination. Oh yeah, Miss Judy notices everything.
"That barre is too full. Come to this barre. Miss Santos will make room."
Her voice makes my heart quicken. My forehead is damp; it is air conditioned. I run to the barre and go into my fifth position. My eyes are glued to the ground. It is silent for a while, so I glance around, wondering if there is something wrong with the stereo. Miss Judy's piercing brown eyes are drilling a hole through my feet. She comes up right next to me.
"I can park a car between your fifth position. Close them up."
The class is done in what seems like five minutes. I can finally breathe.
My next ballet class I arrive 10 minutes early. I don't want to give Miss Judy any reason to single me out again. I point my toes as hard as I ever have and I make my fifth position so it is tighter than it has ever been. When Miss Judy gives the class corrections, I make her words sink into my brain. Every jete or fondu she demonstrates, I study and memorize.
While doing a combination I stealthily glance at Miss Judy. She is on the other side of the room, overseeing some other students. I begin to relax.
"Miss Granger, You're doing well now that I am near you."
My muscles tense. She's everywhere.
I drift by for a few weeks. I continue to stretch my fingers and put all my energy in every movement. Miss Judy walks by me and I hold my breath.
"I see you. Good Job. You're getting there"
I breathe out. This compliment makes my body tingle. I feel light. Each movement has bounce and even more energy. I walk out of the studio, excited for my next ballet class. Wait, what was that? I am actually excited for ballet? The one dance class that I dread and trudge through? That can't be...
But it is. I grew more in that one year of ballet than I did in the past 4 years. Not only in ballet though, in modern and jazz, my lines were better and my pirouettes were smoother. Never has ninety minutes of ballet just disappeared. The dull and necessary work for contemporary became thrilling. Ballet wasn't a requirement, but an enjoyment.
Miss Judy made me love punching in numbers and collecting data.
Hi, This is a really really rough draft for my Common App Essay. I was wondering if this was a good topic. I know the essay probably has a lot of typos, grammatical errors, format errors, awkward sentences and not enough details. Any feedback would be appreciated!
To a contemporary dancer, ballet is like the tedious work necessary for a researcher to discover something great. People don't go into research because they love punching in numbers and collecting data. It is the end result that motivates them. Ballet is essential to excellent technique for contemporary. So I bear it, for what I really love.
My first ballet class with Miss Judy was like an audition; as were my second, third, fourth and pretty much every other class. It is my first day dancing with the Advanced Two Ballet Class. I am running late. As I pull on my ballet shoes, I slip quietly into the studio. They are in the middle of a combination so I skitter to the closest barre, joining in. The music ceases and Miss Judy introduces the next combination. Oh yeah, Miss Judy notices everything.
"That barre is too full. Come to this barre. Miss Santos will make room."
Her voice makes my heart quicken. My forehead is damp; it is air conditioned. I run to the barre and go into my fifth position. My eyes are glued to the ground. It is silent for a while, so I glance around, wondering if there is something wrong with the stereo. Miss Judy's piercing brown eyes are drilling a hole through my feet. She comes up right next to me.
"I can park a car between your fifth position. Close them up."
The class is done in what seems like five minutes. I can finally breathe.
My next ballet class I arrive 10 minutes early. I don't want to give Miss Judy any reason to single me out again. I point my toes as hard as I ever have and I make my fifth position so it is tighter than it has ever been. When Miss Judy gives the class corrections, I make her words sink into my brain. Every jete or fondu she demonstrates, I study and memorize.
While doing a combination I stealthily glance at Miss Judy. She is on the other side of the room, overseeing some other students. I begin to relax.
"Miss Granger, You're doing well now that I am near you."
My muscles tense. She's everywhere.
I drift by for a few weeks. I continue to stretch my fingers and put all my energy in every movement. Miss Judy walks by me and I hold my breath.
"I see you. Good Job. You're getting there"
I breathe out. This compliment makes my body tingle. I feel light. Each movement has bounce and even more energy. I walk out of the studio, excited for my next ballet class. Wait, what was that? I am actually excited for ballet? The one dance class that I dread and trudge through? That can't be...
But it is. I grew more in that one year of ballet than I did in the past 4 years. Not only in ballet though, in modern and jazz, my lines were better and my pirouettes were smoother. Never has ninety minutes of ballet just disappeared. The dull and necessary work for contemporary became thrilling. Ballet wasn't a requirement, but an enjoyment.
Miss Judy made me love punching in numbers and collecting data.
