Undergraduate / personal statement topic (my family, their love and care) [12]

thank you for the feedback.
i agree with both of you, im planning on completely changing this essay to make it more unique. haha
at first i was going to write about the time when i moved from japan but i heard that too many people applying to uc write about immigration.. so i just changed the topic.

simone: I wasn't sure about the lottery idea because I didn't know if i should show that analogy throughout the whole essay.. is it okay to just leave it like that in the intro?

llamapoop123: yeah I was thinking of having a unique style of writing but i couldnt think of how to do it.. could you give me some ideas maybe..?

please give me any constructive criticism that would help me make this essay really stand out.. i really want to get into a good college..hahah

Undergraduate / personal statement topic (my family, their love and care) [12]

I didn't finish this essay because I wanted to get feedback on whether the topic was unique enough or too common. Please read this essay and tell me how I could make it more interesting like what sean said.

To me, family is like lottery. One man among all men meets one woman among all women, and they create a family, having their own children among all other children in the world. Considering this fact, I feel like the luckiest person who had won a jackpot by being born into such a loving and caring family. With their support and love, my family raised me up to reach for my dreams and to be exposed to the many opportunities of contributing to society.

My parents worked hard to give me and my sister good education and give us everything we wanted. Being young and naïve, I did not realize then how my parents had given up their jobs and left their family and friends in Japan in order to provide for us better lives in the United States. My mother focused on my education ever since I was little. When I entered middle school, she signed me up in reading and math programs that would prepare me for high school and SATs.

At that time, I thought it was silly to be engaged in such programs when I still had many years to prepare for my future. I also did not understand why my mother was so intent on giving me the best education when she, as a teenager, had gone to college without ever studying hard or being pressured by her own parents. While these thoughts lingering in my head whenever my mother scolded me for not studying, I still maintained good grades in school, but did not put much effort in truly working hard and preparing myself. I was completely different from my sister, who was so hardworking that she gave up anything that would distract her from studying, such as computer and television. Soon after, new and harder challenges overwhelmed me as I entered the most important four years that would shape my future.

Starting my freshman year in high school, my days were filled with two-hour tennis practices or three to four-hour matches everyday after school and coming home late at night only to expect tons of homework. As I began taking Advanced Placement classes in order to challenge myself, I felt myself weakening more and more. What helped me not give up and get through these times was my family, who felt the same pain I felt. My parents did everything they could to ease my stress and helped me build up my strength and hope. My sister, who attends UCLA, also tried to do her best to help by giving me words of advice and encouraging me. Because of my family's endless support, I was able to keep up with my studies and sport.

Undergraduate / personal statement topic (my family, their love and care) [12]

um. well thank you for the short answer but it would be nice if I could get some advice on how to make that topic more interesting.

honestly, theres nothing really interesting about my life so I'm just gonna stick to this topic, but I need a way to make it unique. like make it stand out among millions of other essays that talk about family.