trantrungmy1097
Mar 8, 2016
Writing Feedback / The expense on five kinds of entertainment including cinema, video, music, publishing and television [3]
I'm on my way to get an IELTS certificate and I'm struggling with writing :( Please give feedback on my essay so that I can improve it. Thank you :)
My essay is too long for task 1 but I don't know what to focus on.
Q : The graph below shows how money was spent on different forms if entertainment over a five-year period. Write at least 150 words.
A:
Given is a bar chart illustrating the expense on five kinds of entertainment including cinema, video, music, publishing and television of three different areas in the world (Asia, Europe and the United States) in the year 1995 and 2000.
Overall, the total money spent in American was largest among the three regions in both two years. It was even larger than the combination of expense in Asia and Europe throughout the year shown. However, three areas reflected the same pattern with a sharp increase in the amount of money used for entertaining purpose. Publishing accounted for the most considerable proportion while cinema made up just a small fraction in expense in three mentioned regions over the 5-year period.
As for the United States, 184 billion dollars were spent on five types of entertainment in 1995 and the figure climbed significantly to 257 billion after 5 year. Citizens paid about 70 billion and over 110 billion on publishing in 1995 and 2000 respectively. Similarly, the money used to purchase video, music and TV almost doubled in the later year, with 18 billion, 25 billion and 100 billion dollars in such order. In contrast, cinema expense remained stable through the years.
Asia and Europe also saw a considerable growth in the sum of money spent on entertainment, which was 43 billion and just under 40 billion in the previous order, with a rise in every kind of entertainment from 2 to 10 billion between 1995 and 2000. Publishing experienced a steady rise in two continents, which was 25 to 27 billion in Asia and 30 to 38 in Europe. There was a negligible different of around 5 billion dollars spent on publishing and television. Likewise, in both continents, an equal amount of money was spent on cinema and video, which was approximately 3 billion in Asia and about 5 billion for Europe.
I'm on my way to get an IELTS certificate and I'm struggling with writing :( Please give feedback on my essay so that I can improve it. Thank you :)
My essay is too long for task 1 but I don't know what to focus on.
Q : The graph below shows how money was spent on different forms if entertainment over a five-year period. Write at least 150 words.
A:
Given is a bar chart illustrating the expense on five kinds of entertainment including cinema, video, music, publishing and television of three different areas in the world (Asia, Europe and the United States) in the year 1995 and 2000.
Overall, the total money spent in American was largest among the three regions in both two years. It was even larger than the combination of expense in Asia and Europe throughout the year shown. However, three areas reflected the same pattern with a sharp increase in the amount of money used for entertaining purpose. Publishing accounted for the most considerable proportion while cinema made up just a small fraction in expense in three mentioned regions over the 5-year period.
As for the United States, 184 billion dollars were spent on five types of entertainment in 1995 and the figure climbed significantly to 257 billion after 5 year. Citizens paid about 70 billion and over 110 billion on publishing in 1995 and 2000 respectively. Similarly, the money used to purchase video, music and TV almost doubled in the later year, with 18 billion, 25 billion and 100 billion dollars in such order. In contrast, cinema expense remained stable through the years.
Asia and Europe also saw a considerable growth in the sum of money spent on entertainment, which was 43 billion and just under 40 billion in the previous order, with a rise in every kind of entertainment from 2 to 10 billion between 1995 and 2000. Publishing experienced a steady rise in two continents, which was 25 to 27 billion in Asia and 30 to 38 in Europe. There was a negligible different of around 5 billion dollars spent on publishing and television. Likewise, in both continents, an equal amount of money was spent on cinema and video, which was approximately 3 billion in Asia and about 5 billion for Europe.
