Undergraduate / College admissions essay about my most important achievements - competition and community service [4]

"Describe the highlights of your most important achievements or contributions. These can also include your work experiences. If you have any outstanding talent (e.g. national sportsman/sportswoman, musical/artistic talent, run a successful business, outstanding community service), please include them as well. (Max: 300 words)"

Dipped heads, sudden jolts and the action of individuals frantically recovering their bearings. These are the sights that greet me during my trips with public transport.

I was determined to alleviate this issue, and ultimately made sleep deprivation the focus of my entry in the local competition, thefutureofus. Train rides became a hotbed of inspiration, and countless nights were spent on refining ideas. I eventually settled with the solution of a mobile application that wakens the user just before their final destination.

I was fortunate enough to have my proposal selected, which was subsequently displayed for public viewing. I take great pride in this achievement as it required a great deal of faith on my part, as entering the competition was a first for me. Moreover, coming from a business school, this was deemed to be disadvantageous in the sea of design and engineering educated entrants. Since then, I have been vigorously looking out for needs, in hopes of generating an idea that will effectively benefit our community one day.

Additionally, another important achievement of mine would be contributing more than 300 hours of service thus far. Back then, volunteering was simply a lingering thought. I eventually made the decision to do so back in late August, and have been actively helping out since then. As a volunteer at Dorcas Home Care Centre, I am responsible for the daily delivery of meals to over 50 home bound senior citizens, and accompanying frail elderly on their trips to various hospitals and polyclinics for their medical appointments. Furthermore, through the role of a medical escort, I would often translate information to patients and attempt to engage in conversations so as to assuage any feelings of loneliness.

My achievements may be regarded as my most important now, but with continual growth and progress, I believe that I can make my next achievement the greatest yet.

312 words

Hi there, I would gladly appreciate any help on my essay. I am rather uneasy about my conclusion, areas where I can cut my content and whether I am going off-point.

Thank you very much