Undergraduate / Assistance Writing a vice-presidential Nomination Essay for West Point? [5]

I am attempting to apply to West Point and require a vice-presidential nomination (I am an American citizen but live abroad). I have to write an essay for the nomination. Any pointers and suggestions would be appreciated.

Prompt: Why do you want to attend one of the Military Service Academies? (3500 character maximum)

What I have so far:

My childhood was interesting, but despite my difficulties I was able to overcome and grow as a person. For the first ten or so years of my life my family had been struggling financially. We had just moved from Sacramento to Edmonton (Canada), and my parents were out looking for jobs. I was sent out into a new society, and though it was hard, I was able to adjust. We were not poor, but granted our situation, we had to look out for one another. We were blessed, and I am so grateful to have the unending support of my family. My experiences as a kid have taught me patience and compassion, and ultimately, they gave me hope.

I balance school, work and football, but I also set time aside to serve in my church and in my community. For about a week, I went on a trip to Vancouver, where I worked in soup kitchens and homeless shelters. It was an experience that opened my eyes, and sparked my compassion for those in need. I now assist in such facilities in my local area. I entered the workforce at fourteen, and since then have developed my aptitude in customer service. I operate well under pressure and put my heart into my work. My parents raised me to strive to make the best out of every situation and encourage me in my academics. Football has helped me grow as a team player, and I push myself to work hard because I owe it to my coaches and teammates. I have a busy schedule, and it is challenging to keep up with all of my commitments, but....

I aspire to attend the United States Military Academy because I believe in excellence, humility, and selflessness. I will display passion and commitment, but I will also look out for my comrades and prioritize the greater good. Service in the armed forces can be dangerous, and brilliant men and women have lost their lives in service to their country, but that is a risk I am willing to take to secure a future for my loved ones. I live abroad, and I realize that my chances are slimmer because of the fact, but General Douglas MacArthur once said, "the best luck of all is the luck you make for yourself", and I intend to put in the work against the odds to follow my dreams. I want to contribute to a cause that is greater than myself, and to make a positive difference.