jkiger
May 11, 2016
Undergraduate / "Exploring my abilities" Transfer Waitlist Personal Statement for UC Davis [4]
-... whichleadled me to conclude that at Davis... (lead is not past tense)
-... which
jkiger
May 11, 2016
Undergraduate / UCSD CSE Transfer Waitlist // New unique facilities, attracted by growth and change. [3]
Prompt : To reserve your place on the waitlist, please submit a brief statement between 150 - 200 words telling us why you would like to attend UC San Diego.
ESSAY
First off, I'd like to thank UCSD for offering me this second chance. As an aspiring Computer Science and Engineering student that's interested in augmented reality and creating real world products, I've had my mind set on UCSD ever since two new facilities, The Design Lab and Center for Visual Computing, were established a little over a year ago. The Design Lab is a unique organization headed by Apple fellow Donald Norman, whose TED talk first introduced me to the importance of product design and user experience. Access to the Design Lab would give me the unique opportunity to collaborate with students across majors and learn to design real world products. The Center for Visual Computing is headed by Professor Ramamoorthi who helped build the Columbia University and UC Berkeley computer graphics department from the ground up, both of which became some of the best in the nation. With new facilities like these and the CSE renovations scheduled for this year, the CSE department is growing to a bright new future, and it's this sense of growth and change that I find alluring and exciting. I earnestly hope for the opportunity to grow academically and as a person at UCSD.
Word Count : 200
1. Does it come off as tacky or humble starting off with gratitude?
2. Is there anything I can reword to eliminate contractions?
3. Does it sound like I'm listing facts rather than why I want to go?
4. Do I ever sound not genuine?
I wanted to come across as someone whose dream school is UCSD without blatantly saying it, otherwise it'd sound like begging. My bit on the Center for Visual Computing felt weak since I immediately jumped into how the CSE department is growing, rather than going into more depth about why I care about the CVC. However, I definitely want to mention that I find the new growth exciting and attractive. The word count is a huge bottleneck though.
Prompt : To reserve your place on the waitlist, please submit a brief statement between 150 - 200 words telling us why you would like to attend UC San Diego.
ESSAY
First off, I'd like to thank UCSD for offering me this second chance. As an aspiring Computer Science and Engineering student that's interested in augmented reality and creating real world products, I've had my mind set on UCSD ever since two new facilities, The Design Lab and Center for Visual Computing, were established a little over a year ago. The Design Lab is a unique organization headed by Apple fellow Donald Norman, whose TED talk first introduced me to the importance of product design and user experience. Access to the Design Lab would give me the unique opportunity to collaborate with students across majors and learn to design real world products. The Center for Visual Computing is headed by Professor Ramamoorthi who helped build the Columbia University and UC Berkeley computer graphics department from the ground up, both of which became some of the best in the nation. With new facilities like these and the CSE renovations scheduled for this year, the CSE department is growing to a bright new future, and it's this sense of growth and change that I find alluring and exciting. I earnestly hope for the opportunity to grow academically and as a person at UCSD.
Word Count : 200
1. Does it come off as tacky or humble starting off with gratitude?
2. Is there anything I can reword to eliminate contractions?
3. Does it sound like I'm listing facts rather than why I want to go?
4. Do I ever sound not genuine?
I wanted to come across as someone whose dream school is UCSD without blatantly saying it, otherwise it'd sound like begging. My bit on the Center for Visual Computing felt weak since I immediately jumped into how the CSE department is growing, rather than going into more depth about why I care about the CVC. However, I definitely want to mention that I find the new growth exciting and attractive. The word count is a huge bottleneck though.