markcho0106
Jul 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / COLLEGEAPP: Assume that 're in a position of leadership in your country and write an academic Essay [3]
Hi I'm a non-native English speaker who is writing essays for college application. My writing can be sloppy and lack in flavor but I am sincerely looking for a lot of help from here! Hope you have fun reading my essay and I will welcome any comments or feedbacks! :) Have a nice day every one.
Prompt: Write a formal, academic essay in which you imagine that you are in a position of leadership in your country or your local community (note that while many leaders who effect change are politicians, they can also be scholars, activists, scientists, artists, etc.) Choose an issue about which you, as this leader, feel passionately and describe it in detail, giving your informed reader a sense of the arguments and counterarguments associated with the issue. Tell us where you stand and why, using description and analysis of real-world evidence as well as your unique perspective as an influential member of your community. Hypothetically, how would you address this issue and what would your community or country look like as a result of your actions? Please be as specific as possible and limit your response to 500-750 word
The war has never been put a halt. Ceaseless yet inevitable, it is also referred to as a caste, one which every class, regardless of status, aims for the top of the hierarchy. Its participation for the most part is unconditional, the result being dismal. Sometimes, it takes away the precious lives of youths whose potential have not yet realized.
For 12 years, having experienced both public and private schooling in Korea, I have witnessed and gone through one of the biggest defects in South Korea's education: inequality of opportunity. When I was enrolling in public middle school in a rural province, most of my friends and I could not receive any form of private education. But after I got accepted to HAFS, one of the most prestigious boarding schools in Korea, I was swarmed by peers who could effortlessly have an access to individual tutors, which I had never dreamed of few years ago. Adapting to the new environment I encountered, I discovered that the flaw of Korean education is expressed in multiple forms, which include significant gap in parents' financial abilities, different educational level in rural provinces, and extensive ranking of schools.
Korean parents are willing to sacrifice anything for their children's education. According to Hyundai Research Institute, more than 3 million families, known as Edu-poor, risk the burden of debt and overspending for children's learning. Unfortunately, money is not the only factor that parents must fight for. There are two thousand different admission types to Korean universities and the resources and experts for college preparation are overly concentrated in Seoul. Hence, scores for college entrance examination in countryside are significantly lower, as shown from a study conducted by Korea Educational Development Institute. Not only is the pecking order of education presents between or among schools, the culture of hierarchy is also deeply entrenched within the school. It is reported that many schools across the country provide top-scoring students with more comfortable desks, extra materials, even better meals. The current education in Korea is neglecting the majority for a few.
It is undeniable that many students have been discriminated against both in and out of the classroom. Therefore, I, as the Minister of Education, will bring about the environment of co-prosperity to eradicate the 'caste' in today's education. To begin with, I will develop and increase school-organized programs by cooperating with local community, social enterprise, and universities. This will simultaneously increase the quality of classes and decrease the budget for private education from the parents. The newly launched program, while offering high-level academic courses, will offer students with chances to independently design their extracurricular activities. Organized by school and operated by students, education will gradually transform into a more active pursuit.
Additionally, as the Minister of Education, I will create an Open-Source Community among the schools, let alone their types, to drive them to learn from each other. Regular meetings will be held on monthly basis and schools will be required to co-evaluate others of different types. Increasing the exchanges among the schools will diversify the issues discussed and lessen the hierarchy that is prevalent in the status quo. Furthermore, I will encourage all schools to adopt 'Peer Mentor-Mentee (Peer M&M)' program. Back when I was in middle school, I created a peer mentoring program to help friends who were having difficulties with academics. I included other endeavors into the program, such as athletics and arts, to better promote the exchanges among the students and give us opportunities to make use of our talents. After an arduous effort, I established 'Peer M&M' as an official school program in my middle school and it has since contributed to increasing students' satisfaction. I strongly believe that the culture of collaboration can be proliferated through programs such as the aforementioned one. Education should be enjoyable and affordable; school should be filled with laughter and love. Now is the time to make that into reality.
Students these days say that their life is decided at the age of eighteen or nineteen. Many of them consider competition as unavoidable for their future. Of course, rivalry is needed. But the fact that students are afraid to take a breath while running for their destinations tells us that our education has problems to solve. Education should be a tool for every student. Education should not be constrained because of parents' income, region, and school. Every student is a driving force of our future. Education should be for all, not for some. (746)
Hi I'm a non-native English speaker who is writing essays for college application. My writing can be sloppy and lack in flavor but I am sincerely looking for a lot of help from here! Hope you have fun reading my essay and I will welcome any comments or feedbacks! :) Have a nice day every one.
Prompt: Write a formal, academic essay in which you imagine that you are in a position of leadership in your country or your local community (note that while many leaders who effect change are politicians, they can also be scholars, activists, scientists, artists, etc.) Choose an issue about which you, as this leader, feel passionately and describe it in detail, giving your informed reader a sense of the arguments and counterarguments associated with the issue. Tell us where you stand and why, using description and analysis of real-world evidence as well as your unique perspective as an influential member of your community. Hypothetically, how would you address this issue and what would your community or country look like as a result of your actions? Please be as specific as possible and limit your response to 500-750 word
The war has never been put a halt. Ceaseless yet inevitable, it is also referred to as a caste, one which every class, regardless of status, aims for the top of the hierarchy. Its participation for the most part is unconditional, the result being dismal. Sometimes, it takes away the precious lives of youths whose potential have not yet realized.
For 12 years, having experienced both public and private schooling in Korea, I have witnessed and gone through one of the biggest defects in South Korea's education: inequality of opportunity. When I was enrolling in public middle school in a rural province, most of my friends and I could not receive any form of private education. But after I got accepted to HAFS, one of the most prestigious boarding schools in Korea, I was swarmed by peers who could effortlessly have an access to individual tutors, which I had never dreamed of few years ago. Adapting to the new environment I encountered, I discovered that the flaw of Korean education is expressed in multiple forms, which include significant gap in parents' financial abilities, different educational level in rural provinces, and extensive ranking of schools.
Korean parents are willing to sacrifice anything for their children's education. According to Hyundai Research Institute, more than 3 million families, known as Edu-poor, risk the burden of debt and overspending for children's learning. Unfortunately, money is not the only factor that parents must fight for. There are two thousand different admission types to Korean universities and the resources and experts for college preparation are overly concentrated in Seoul. Hence, scores for college entrance examination in countryside are significantly lower, as shown from a study conducted by Korea Educational Development Institute. Not only is the pecking order of education presents between or among schools, the culture of hierarchy is also deeply entrenched within the school. It is reported that many schools across the country provide top-scoring students with more comfortable desks, extra materials, even better meals. The current education in Korea is neglecting the majority for a few.
It is undeniable that many students have been discriminated against both in and out of the classroom. Therefore, I, as the Minister of Education, will bring about the environment of co-prosperity to eradicate the 'caste' in today's education. To begin with, I will develop and increase school-organized programs by cooperating with local community, social enterprise, and universities. This will simultaneously increase the quality of classes and decrease the budget for private education from the parents. The newly launched program, while offering high-level academic courses, will offer students with chances to independently design their extracurricular activities. Organized by school and operated by students, education will gradually transform into a more active pursuit.
Additionally, as the Minister of Education, I will create an Open-Source Community among the schools, let alone their types, to drive them to learn from each other. Regular meetings will be held on monthly basis and schools will be required to co-evaluate others of different types. Increasing the exchanges among the schools will diversify the issues discussed and lessen the hierarchy that is prevalent in the status quo. Furthermore, I will encourage all schools to adopt 'Peer Mentor-Mentee (Peer M&M)' program. Back when I was in middle school, I created a peer mentoring program to help friends who were having difficulties with academics. I included other endeavors into the program, such as athletics and arts, to better promote the exchanges among the students and give us opportunities to make use of our talents. After an arduous effort, I established 'Peer M&M' as an official school program in my middle school and it has since contributed to increasing students' satisfaction. I strongly believe that the culture of collaboration can be proliferated through programs such as the aforementioned one. Education should be enjoyable and affordable; school should be filled with laughter and love. Now is the time to make that into reality.
Students these days say that their life is decided at the age of eighteen or nineteen. Many of them consider competition as unavoidable for their future. Of course, rivalry is needed. But the fact that students are afraid to take a breath while running for their destinations tells us that our education has problems to solve. Education should be a tool for every student. Education should not be constrained because of parents' income, region, and school. Every student is a driving force of our future. Education should be for all, not for some. (746)
