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COLLEGEAPP: Assume that 're in a position of leadership in your country and write an academic Essay


markcho0106 1 / -  
Jul 25, 2016   #1
Hi I'm a non-native English speaker who is writing essays for college application. My writing can be sloppy and lack in flavor but I am sincerely looking for a lot of help from here! Hope you have fun reading my essay and I will welcome any comments or feedbacks! :) Have a nice day every one.

Prompt: Write a formal, academic essay in which you imagine that you are in a position of leadership in your country or your local community (note that while many leaders who effect change are politicians, they can also be scholars, activists, scientists, artists, etc.) Choose an issue about which you, as this leader, feel passionately and describe it in detail, giving your informed reader a sense of the arguments and counterarguments associated with the issue. Tell us where you stand and why, using description and analysis of real-world evidence as well as your unique perspective as an influential member of your community. Hypothetically, how would you address this issue and what would your community or country look like as a result of your actions? Please be as specific as possible and limit your response to 500-750 word

The war has never been put a halt. Ceaseless yet inevitable, it is also referred to as a caste, one which every class, regardless of status, aims for the top of the hierarchy. Its participation for the most part is unconditional, the result being dismal. Sometimes, it takes away the precious lives of youths whose potential have not yet realized.

For 12 years, having experienced both public and private schooling in Korea, I have witnessed and gone through one of the biggest defects in South Korea's education: inequality of opportunity. When I was enrolling in public middle school in a rural province, most of my friends and I could not receive any form of private education. But after I got accepted to HAFS, one of the most prestigious boarding schools in Korea, I was swarmed by peers who could effortlessly have an access to individual tutors, which I had never dreamed of few years ago. Adapting to the new environment I encountered, I discovered that the flaw of Korean education is expressed in multiple forms, which include significant gap in parents' financial abilities, different educational level in rural provinces, and extensive ranking of schools.

Korean parents are willing to sacrifice anything for their children's education. According to Hyundai Research Institute, more than 3 million families, known as Edu-poor, risk the burden of debt and overspending for children's learning. Unfortunately, money is not the only factor that parents must fight for. There are two thousand different admission types to Korean universities and the resources and experts for college preparation are overly concentrated in Seoul. Hence, scores for college entrance examination in countryside are significantly lower, as shown from a study conducted by Korea Educational Development Institute. Not only is the pecking order of education presents between or among schools, the culture of hierarchy is also deeply entrenched within the school. It is reported that many schools across the country provide top-scoring students with more comfortable desks, extra materials, even better meals. The current education in Korea is neglecting the majority for a few.

It is undeniable that many students have been discriminated against both in and out of the classroom. Therefore, I, as the Minister of Education, will bring about the environment of co-prosperity to eradicate the 'caste' in today's education. To begin with, I will develop and increase school-organized programs by cooperating with local community, social enterprise, and universities. This will simultaneously increase the quality of classes and decrease the budget for private education from the parents. The newly launched program, while offering high-level academic courses, will offer students with chances to independently design their extracurricular activities. Organized by school and operated by students, education will gradually transform into a more active pursuit.

Additionally, as the Minister of Education, I will create an Open-Source Community among the schools, let alone their types, to drive them to learn from each other. Regular meetings will be held on monthly basis and schools will be required to co-evaluate others of different types. Increasing the exchanges among the schools will diversify the issues discussed and lessen the hierarchy that is prevalent in the status quo. Furthermore, I will encourage all schools to adopt 'Peer Mentor-Mentee (Peer M&M)' program. Back when I was in middle school, I created a peer mentoring program to help friends who were having difficulties with academics. I included other endeavors into the program, such as athletics and arts, to better promote the exchanges among the students and give us opportunities to make use of our talents. After an arduous effort, I established 'Peer M&M' as an official school program in my middle school and it has since contributed to increasing students' satisfaction. I strongly believe that the culture of collaboration can be proliferated through programs such as the aforementioned one. Education should be enjoyable and affordable; school should be filled with laughter and love. Now is the time to make that into reality.

Students these days say that their life is decided at the age of eighteen or nineteen. Many of them consider competition as unavoidable for their future. Of course, rivalry is needed. But the fact that students are afraid to take a breath while running for their destinations tells us that our education has problems to solve. Education should be a tool for every student. Education should not be constrained because of parents' income, region, and school. Every student is a driving force of our future. Education should be for all, not for some. (746)

Hiddengrace 6 / 119 68  
Jul 25, 2016   #2
Hi Mark, welcome to Essay Forum. I'm going to give you some feedback on both your choice of content and your grammar, punctuation, wording, etc....

I think you have a good start to your essay here. I can tell that you are very passionate about this issue and that comes across well in your writing. You don't have a lot of words to write with, so I think this is great.

However, I don't think you have fully fulfilled what is being asked of you in the prompt. Let's break down the prompt and I'll give some feedback on what you have done and what's missing and what could be improved. Here goes. :)

1. Write a formal, academic essay
2. Imagine that you are in a position of leadership in your country or your local community (note that while many leaders who effect change are politicians, they can also be scholars, activists, scientists, artists, etc.) Choose an issue about which you, as this leader, feel passionately and describe it in detail,

3. giving your informed reader a sense of the arguments and counterarguments associated with the issue.
4. Tell us where you stand and why, using description and analysis of real-world evidence
5. as well as your unique perspective as an influential member of your community.
6. Hypothetically, how would you address this issue and
7. what would your community or country look like as a result of your actions?
8. Please be as specific as possible and limit your response to 500-750 word

Wow, then! They are really asking for a lot here in a limited amount of words to write with. I think when this is the case you have to try to answer all the parts while being succinct but also detailed, which is crazy. This is a lot to ask for and you definitely are in the situation of having to pick and choose what you answer, how much detail you give to each part, and balancing the essay as a whole. I think this kind of prompt would definitely stump me. Not in what to answer, but really how to structure the essay so you meet all the requirements in the words allotted.

So, let's break down your essay based on the 8 points above.

1. I think your essay is formal and academic for the most part so far. I think improvements can be made, and with good editing feedback, that will help immensely. I'm kind of short on time now but I'll come back and I'm sure some other EF members/ contributor will come make those edits.

2. I think you have done a great job choosing a topic that is something you have experienced, that's a real issue, and something you are passionate about. However, is it specific enough? I feel like you've chosen a very broad issue and that is making it harder for you to fullfill this prompt in entirety.

3. The reason I say it may be too vague/ general is because I only see arguments for why this is an issue. I don't see any counter arguments. For example, if your topic was the "edu-poor," a counter argument could be that parents risk bankruptcy and poor finances because they feel the education is important and worthwhile, even if it means sacrificing their financial well being. You need to be able to discuss the positives and negatives of an issue, or why people say it's a good thing and support it, and why people say it's a bad thing and don't support it. With a more general issue like the one you have chosen, that can be harder to do because there is so much to discuss. This one should be more like a general idea of what the people think, not personal opinions. Think about what a newspaper would say. They report support for the issue and why people disagree with it, but they don't really (or usually) say which one they believe to be right. Which side is right is for you to answer in part 4, just below.

4. I think you have kind of blended 3 and 4 together when answering this, and they are not the same. The prompt is asking for you to discuss positives and negatives and then say where you stand (on the positive or negative side). They are asking for why people support it, why people don't, and then your personal opinion. With your essay, you have only given one side which is the side you agree with. However, you have given us some great evidence from your own life, which works really well here.

(answering these for alone is enough to fill up a 5 page essay- how they want you to write 500-700 words is beyond me)

5. Hmm, I'm not sure if you have done this or not. It's kind of hard for me to pick out because you launch right into part 6 of the prompt. They are asking what makes your view different as a leader in society. What do you see that the average person may not? How does your position change of leadership change how you view the situation?

6. Great job here!

7. I think you balanced out this point nicely with 6 by explaining what you would do and the effect it would have. In my opinion you are wasting what limited space you do have with something that's not adding to your essay. Just something to think about. Also, if you restructure your essay with a less broad topic, this will change (and I think it should). I think you can spend more time elaborating on your ideas and their effects because right now I think those are a little bit lacking. I think your ideas are there, but they need to be fleshed out and explained a little more so the reader can get a good sense of what your ideas are. Your first paragraph could definitely use some more detail about eradicating the caste system, which is a huge undertaking.

8. I think you have wasted space by discussing what you did in middle school with the peer mentoring program. I know it's tough because you want to include n achievement of your own and tie this essay to that, but they're not asking for that.

Okay then, there are my ideas on your essay's content in relation to answering everything asked of you in this essay! I will try to return at a later time to give you some specific edits regarding punctuation, word choice, grammar, edits and ideas I have, etc...

Take care!
justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
Jul 25, 2016   #3
Hi Mark, I can see that you have the most comprehensive feedback here from one of our EF contributors and I hope you will follow through, you can expect that this essay review will help you strengthen your writing project and will warrant greater understanding towards the task at hand.

However, as much as I suggest that you follow the suggested remarks and modification, I would also caution you to take charge of your essay, for future writing reference, practice proof reading yourself, this is an effective way to review your essay, with yourself being the third person in the picture.

Furthermore, as you have word restriction here in this project, it is very good to note that the word limitation does not only remind you to polish your ideas but will also make sure that you don't have any redundant ideas through out the essay. Overall, I must say that this particular essay is fairly written, it is as much comprehensive as you could have approached a certain task.


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