Excluded from Uni 7 years ago - Readmission Letter

Hi Everyone,

Here is my rough draft of a readmission letter that I will submit tomorrow, please be honest and harsh with your feedback.

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Dear Sir or Madam:

I am writing this letter in anticipation that you will consider my appeal for readmission into xxx University's Bachelor Degree of "International Business" commencing July 2015.

I attended xxx University back in 2008 after leaving high school. At the time I was immature and naïve and assumed the path I had chosen was the right one. Unfortunately the timing wasn't right and I had no motivation to attend or focus on my studies. I made the mistake of not withdrawing and therefore accumulating fails against all subjects, now evident on my transcript.

Over the past 7 years I have had a lot of hands on work experience dealing in retail sales, labouring, and more expertly and recently in real estate sales. During this time, I have travelled through Japan, Europe and the United States and gained an understanding

I realise now that without a degree I'll never reach my educational potential and build the lifestyle I desire for my future. I am self-assured that my readmission and desire for personal success will pave the way to outstanding achievements and coupled with xx XY Star rating, I believe will broaden my career opportunities, landing a position with an international leading firm.

Finally, I strongly ask that you consider an exemption for my previous marks. If I am readmitted this term I will not be content with a mere pass, I want to strive for top of class marks and prove to myself and future potential employers, that I will be an asset to their organisation.

Thank you for taking the time to consider this appeal.

Yours sincerely

Dear Sir/Madam:

I am writing this letter in anticipation that you will consider my appeal for readmission into xxx University's Bachelor(S) Degree of (" - DELETE PUNCTUATION MARK)International Business(" - DELETE PUNCTUATION MARK) commencing July 2015.

I attended xxx University back in 2008 after leaving high school. At the time I (was immature and naďve and - THIS SHOWS TH NEGATIVE SIDE OF YOU, NO NO IN A LETTER) assumed (THAT) the path I had chosen was the right one. Unfortunately the timing wasn't right and I had no motivation to attend or focus on my studies. I made the mistake of not withdrawing and therefore accumulating fails(FAILURE) against all subjects (WHICH IS NOW) evident on my transcript.

Thank you for the feedback, I will make the amendments immediately.

Ps: I'm in Australia so the spelling is correct. :P

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am writing this letter in anticipation that you will consider my appeal for readmission into xxx University's Bachelors Degree of International Business commencing July 2015.

I attended xxx University back in 2008 after leaving high school. At the time I assumed that the path I had chosen was the right one. Unfortunately the timing wasn't right and I had no motivation to attend or focus on my studies. I made the mistake of not withdrawing and therefore accumulating failure against all subjects, which is now evident on my transcript.

Over the past 7 years I have had a lot of hands on work experience dealing in retail sales, labour, and more expertly, recently in real estate sales. During this time, I have travelled through Japan, Europe and the United States and gained cultural understanding as well as a passion for international connections.

I realise now that without a degree I'll [...]
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Is there anything I haven't broached? Or have I said enough?

At the time I was immature and naďve and assumed the path...
I made the mistake of not withdrawing and therefore accumulating fails against all subjects, now evident on my transcript.

To me it felt like you are cursing yourself throwaway. I understand you want to show the reason why you decided to drop out from university but it should be better if you mention about one issue that you couldn't bear with and made your decision to leave university such as inadequate financial support and so on

I understand that another reason may be not as frowned upon. However, I think honesty is the best policy, I have removed the "immature & naive" part. But I want them to know that I am returning as a 'mature aged' student.

what are your thoughts?