Waitlisted by UPenn - Update Letter to the Dream School

Hey guys! Please, please, please give me a hand with this letter. Several days ago I was waitlisted by Upenn. I don't have a very clear idea of what is appropriade to write in such a letter. Moreover, Upenn is my dream school and I want them to get the right idea about me. Please, please, please help! Any comments are welcome!

Dear Admission Committee,

Several days ago I learned was put on a waitlist by the University of Pennsylvania. First of all, I would like to thank you for spending time reviewing my application. Naturally, the letter of deferral came as a disappointment to me.

Being very serious about my college choices, I researched and considered a lot of amazing school both in my home country and abroad. I applied to various countries around the world and even got admitted by the University of Toronto, UC Berkeley and some other good schools. However, my devotion is still firmly with UPenn - the University, which could present me with unparallel opportunities to flourish in my future career.

The most important reason for me holding on to my dream of attending UPenn is quite simple. No other school can offer to harmoniously combine my three academic interests (International Relations, Business and Languages) into a perfect interdisciplinary program such as Huntsman. With the knowledge acquired during the four years of hard work up my sleeve, I will be able to really alter the world for the best and commit to global issues I feel passionate about. To be honest, I cannot help imagining myself as a part of academic and cultural life in the University of Pennsylvania. Hopefully, I would be a good ambassador on campus and in class, sharing true Russian culture.

Since I submitted my application in winter, there have been some further improvements in my academic and extracurricular records that hopefully could strengthen my application. To begin with, I retook the ACT test and my English score went from 31 to 34 and the Reading one - from 27 to 34. In addition, I became a winner of Russian National Olympiads in French, English and Russian languages and of High School of Economics' Olympiad in World History. In addition I was awarded a diploma of Moscow State University's Olympiad in Society Study.

Apart from my academic achievements, I have been elected as a chair of a new cultural project. My responsibility is to organize a two week program for twelve students from Eaton College, London, who study Russian as a foreign language. That involves setting up excursions, appointing meetings with regional Russian activists and communicating trip related information to the appropriate committees etc. The delegation will be in Moscow in the beginning of May and the plan of their stay is being approved by the Eaton school officials now.

It is my sincere hope that the information above would prove helpful in the further admission process.
Many thanks for your consideration,
Alina Skripets

This is a great essay and it sounds like you have a real passion for going to this school. However, some schools are very selective in the college admission process so I need you to make sure that along with your passion, you check your grammar and make the letter look presentable. Please follow this and continue to use any source you may find that would be helpful. If you can read this aloud to someone you know this would be great as well. They may help you to add details to your letter or remind you of other strengths you have that you have missed in the process of writing.When I put parentheses around words, I just want to make it easier for you to change everything.

1) Please check grammar or every sentence thoroughly before submitting. Lets start with the first sentence, change to "I learned I was". I think you should change "First of all" to "First". Still make sure you put a comma after first. See how natural it sounds.

2) Please change the word "school" to "schools" in the second paragraph because you stated "a lot" which indicates more than one.

3) You said you applied to many countries. Please state that you have applied to numerous or several schools in different countries.

4) "Even got" in the second paragraph can be changed too. You want to convey that you were already accepted. Delete this and change it to "was" and read the sentence over to see how it sounds.

5) To affirm your conviction to be admitted to UPENN you could take out the dash and say that "you believe" in the second paragraph. I think if you are confident this is the school you want to attend it could help you.

6) There is a sentence in the third paragraph that could be changed slightly. You say "To be honest,...". I think that you can change this sentence completely. You can shorten it and make it sound like your audience is admissions by using "Honestly". Do you want to be apart of or do you want to feel engaged or immersed in college activities? Let me give an example. Honestly, I can't imagine not being immersed in volunteer opportunities that will help me to give back and grow as a person.

7) The third paragraph you say that you will hopefully be a good ambassador. Is it your hope to be a good ambassador in class and on campus? If you start the sentence with "Hopefully", you could sound unsure. Yet, if it is your hope you could sound as if you want something to happen. Ex: I hope to be a good representative for a fortune 500 company one day. This makes it seem like I want something but I'm not showing that I'm not confident about it.

8) Try to leave out the word hopeful in this fourth paragraph. You want to be yourself but you need to be confident that admissions will look at your application a second time.

9) The fourth paragraph you begin to discuss your scores for Reading. Please delete "one-" from the sentence. Also after Economics there is an apostrophe at the end of the word that could be deleted.

10) The last sentence in the fourth paragraph you use "In addition" again. I think you could change it to another transition word like (Also or Furthermore) so you don't continue to repeat it. Also, make sure to use a comma after the transition word.

11) You are creating lists of your responsibilities in the 5th paragraph. Make sure you have commas where they should be. First, one of your responsibilities says appointing meetings. Do you mean scheduling meeting appointments? If this is correct, then you are ensuring that these regional Russian activists meet at scheduled times to discuss matters. That is a huge responsibility! Here is where the commas should be: setting up excursions, appointing meetings with regional Russian activists, communicating trip related information to the appropriate committees, etc.

12) For the last sentence, change the word "would" to "will" and leave out the word "further". Also, add "to be" after prove. It sounds like there is something missing when it is said as "prove helpful". The change will make it sound smoother and it will represent what you want to happen at present. Read this and see if you like it:

"It is my sincere hope that the information above will prove to be helpful in the admission process"

13) After the last sentence, have a space between it and "Many thanks for your consideration". Also, add two spaces between "Many thanks for your consideration" and your name.

14) Many thanks for your consideration,

(Sign your name in this space)

Your name printed