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"when fate is really so true" (a piece of poetry)

temptprovidence 8 / 163 35  
Feb 28, 2013   #1
i have written some poetry just for fun... i want suggestions about its quality... welcome critics...!!!

here is one piece of my poetry...


look beneath deep, behind the covers,
of my painful heart, my tearing nerves,
all night i dream, hope a tranquil,
in the morning, animosity is all i find to nurse.

where worries trouble people, there,
who knows what animosity means,
oh yes! a hatred to those you love,
a revenge to the extent what my heart reigns.

people ask for more, that is that,
what i can't show, where i've no word,
i cant fight fate in such a war,
where blood is mine that i owe to my sword.

in the trackless journey of my life,
where i step forward, but look behind,
my past assures me no future,
my present asks me to go back, rewind.

i had burnt this flame, strengthened it,
i wanted to burn out my dull past,
but now my flame is dying out, for,
i'm short of oxygen, with my ashes to last,

now i understand what suicide means,
such a living hell, so desperate,
no one consents to what i mean,
so i turn back to resign, owe back to fate.
this is the narration...

i think my creativity is suffocating..!! please help my thoughts out..!!:)
mhss 18 / 53 18  
Feb 28, 2013   #2
Suicide should not be the answer for what ever sorrow you experienced. So it is great that you have highlighted the evil side of it!
OP temptprovidence 8 / 163 35  
Mar 3, 2013   #3
can anyone help me to know if i can do a better deal in the field of poetry or narration... please if anyone who can make a cimparison between my these two threads.."a memory fom my armed past" and this poetry one...???
OP temptprovidence 8 / 163 35  
Mar 7, 2013   #4

i have been offered an opportunity to either join the poets section or narration section of my college... i have just copy pasted my creations... plz let me know which thing is my stronger aspect.. i would love critics as well as corrections.. :)
OP temptprovidence 8 / 163 35  
Mar 8, 2013   #5
can i ask this favour from moderators plzz.. i need that urgently... THANKS...
Kitsumi 4 / 97 16  
Mar 9, 2013   #6
The nice thing about poetry is that you don't need perfect grammar, punctuation or spelling. If there are mistakes in grammar, it can just be another point of analysis; perhaps the grammar mistake is intentional and was supposed to have some sort of effect or deeper meaning.

On the other hand, grammar mistakes in narration is a big NO. And you have a lot of grammar issues in your narration. You're overusing the ... as well as the exclamation marks. It's like you don't know what a comma is. Plus, you shouldn't write all capitalized words.

So in my opinion, poetry is probably the best bet for you. If you want to drastically improve your grammar though, head for narration. The more you practice, the better your grammar will become.
OP temptprovidence 8 / 163 35  
Mar 9, 2013   #7
thankyou so much. your valuable suggestion helped a lot....!!!!!!!! anymore members who can help...???
Wolff88 1 / 2 2  
Mar 10, 2013   #8
I totally agree with Kitsumi. Yet I like the narration if I look past the grammatical errors. I have noticed most people write depressing poetry so it disinterests me. Not that I am saying what you wrote is bad. It is pretty deep in some places. I too used to write poetry but as I said it was easier to write about sad topics/emotions. My question is if Muhammad was such a devout muslim how do you justify that he took his own life when suicide is forbidden in Islam?

Maybe your college editor can help you fix the grammar. Its their job when students submit pieces. Also, perhaps you text a lot. People who text tend to use !!!! and ... In sentences. Grab an old SAT book and read its advice on writing. Its like a crash course for grammar.

My last suggestion would be to read what you wrote out loud. If you watch a lot of english movies or read a lot of books you will notice where your writing needs better flow. Dont think of it as poetry. It needs to flow smoothly.
OP temptprovidence 8 / 163 35  
Mar 11, 2013   #9
you didnt understand that! infact muhammad could not bear the injuries and died because of the severe injuries! not suicide...!

thankyou so much for your extremely useful advices. thanks again :)
Wolff88 1 / 2 2  
Mar 15, 2013   #10

Then perhaps this sentence needs revision. =)

If he hadn't claimed his life , he would have been more desperate .... So... It was better for him... See!"

The first part of the sentence means that he took his own life. You could change it to "if he hadn't succumbed to his injuries".
OP temptprovidence 8 / 163 35  
Mar 15, 2013   #11
thanks... can i know your city..???? further adding, i possess a strong dislike towards texting. the "..." and "!!!" are just a cursed habit of mine. :)

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