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Sable blood, by Me


sniper_moon 2 / 3  
Dec 8, 2011   #1
I need your comments and your help , by the way, this is my 3rd poem !

At the dusk , discerned to me a shadow
Coming from the gray easter twilight
Jostling through the fog
Walking soothingly with no row
Upright as white knight
fighting for Angus Og
Owns no sword,shield,nor bow
Owns only a wax light
Whispering to that fog
When does the darkness turn to light ? .
...Fight
...Fight
...Fight

Yet, it's never changed the night

The wet breeze osculates a callow ,
Impeccable, pure, sinless, white;
Dallies his feelings and let them outgrow
With confidence with no contrite
He matched her with snow ,
Yet he'd never known!
At the noon,the murk dissipated
My true-hearted put bane in my ade
Participated
As a snake snakes and lurks with
Unanticipated
Glance to coerce me or make me frayed !
With the snake's bite, I was mazed
I, as a tree, surrounded by wind, swayed
I thought in the deep I could wade
I've never thought you're jade
if only I had had a blade
If only I had had a spade
To kill, inhume and make burial parade
Because I loved, I made .

Yes he'd never known

The beloved osculates a callow;

And inscribes a flesh-wound from cheek to brow
Vows him in other site ;
There is more, morrow !
From the twelfth night to the last night
She'll ignite...
every glade mallow

and I'm here
With my tear

Struggling that poison
Experiencing treason

And, all what I possess,
to stop living in darkness

since the light lifted the veil that clings about the shadow's noblesse.
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Dec 12, 2011   #2
At the dusk, discerned to me a shadow---Should this word be 'As'?
Coming from the gray E aster twilight

-------

The wet breeze osculates a callow,
Impeccable, pure, sinless, white;
Dallies his feelings and lets them outgrow
With confidence with no contrite ---Should be 'contrition, I think.
He matched her with snow,

---------
My true-hearted put bane in my aid
Participated
As a snake snakes and lurks with
Unanticipated
Glance to coerce me or make me frayed !---afraid(?)
With the snake's bite, I was mazed---amazed?

-------
To kill, inhume and make burial parade---I don't know what this word should be, but maybe you mean the opposite of exhume, which means to dig up?

---------

Struggling (with?) that poison
Experiencing treason

And, all that I possess,

You are an amazing poet! It's hard for me to make a change or give advice, as it would be like adding colors to someone else's painting! Don't forget to put all punctuation marks right up against the last letter of the word or sentence. I like this a lot, you're a very interesting and descriptive writer.

:)
OP sniper_moon 2 / 3  
Dec 13, 2011   #3
First, i would like to think you for your beautiful words.

My true-hearted put bane in my aid >> has another meaning!

inhume means bury !


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