My future perspective and why I deserve the scholarship

Need an honest feedback on my essay draft below, any help would be much appreciated, Thanks in advance!!

INSTRUCTION
We would like to know your motivation for the VU Fellowship Programme. Why do you think you deserve to receive a VUFP scholarship? (...)

explore the world, meet new people and gain wisdom

During my work experience, I have noticed how the dynamic of human behaviour could shape organization environment and culture. I am lucky to have experienced work environment that supported growth and success, also to encounter situation where there is no mutual respect, trust, and open communication between colleagues. When I look at Google as the best work place in the world according to Great Place to WorkŽ Institute, the organization is not only famous on giving attractive facilities but also encourages employee's autonomy and develops innovation capabilities that constantly nurtured and managed. In my opinion, this kind of approach could sustain trust levels and drive employees to perform better. Therefore, this situation motivated me to pursue master degree in work and organizational psychology and help me achieving my aim to promote a quality of work and life balance.

In the future, I envision a positive working environment where communication is transparent and open, creativity and productivity flourish, and each individual perceive their work as a personal journey, so they are empowered to achieve their highest potential. Although creating this state of condition will not be easy, I am assured that my learning on work and organizational psychology will prepared me adequately. As my beloved late mother always told me "explore the world, meet new people and gain wisdom", I am determined to continue pursuing master degree abroad where I can meet new people from different region, experience foreign culture and at the same time escalate my passion in psychology.

While I am constantly saving since a few years ago, I still cannot afford to pay all the cost for studying abroad. Currently, I still looking for full time job and living with my father - 61 years old man and already retired from his full time job. For this reason, I want to be self sufficient in funding my education. I feel grateful to find scholarship opportunities like this Program that could give me a chance to achieve financial stability and accomplish my educational goals. Correspondingly, my insight based on background and working experience could be an added value in the University. I will bring my talent, my enthusiasm, my positive outlook and give my effort to be successful, and thus increasing the value of this scholarship.

Yas, the VU Fellowship Program requires a more detailed explanation as to why you deserve this scholarship other than the fact that you live with your father, you don't have a full time job, nor can you afford to send yourself to masters degree school. In fact, these are the worst reasons that you can give because these do not serve the purpose of the essay.

For starters, if you want to convince the scholarship committee that you deserve this scholarship, you should do so based upon your previous academic excellence. Discuss your GPA, your academic achievements, or other recognition that can help to establish the kind of student you are and the type of study ethics that you have. Explain how these traits will ensure that you will not only complete the course of study, but also bring honor to the scholarship program whenever possible.

Next, if the quote you will be mentioning does not come for a notable alumnus of the program, then it is best not to mention any quote at all. Your mother is not a known personality in any field so her words means nothing to the scholarship committee members. Therefore, it would be best to remove the quote. As for the reference to your father, your lack of regular income, and desire to have a stable financial status in order to study, you do know that the scholarship will only pay for your tuition fee and not your accommodation and other expenses right? This is a tuition only program so there is no student allowance in this for you. These are the parts of the essay that I believe you should delete and replace with more valid reasons as to why you consider yourself an excellent candidate for the scholarship. Think of other extra curricular accomplishments that may tie in with the objectives of the scholarship foundation. That ought to work best for you.

The reference to Google in the first paragraph is irrelevant considering that you do not work for Google nor do you have a current job that could lead to employment there. You may want to rethink your opening statement and try to come up with something more personal and less commercial in presentation. The fact that there is even a copyright insignia in that paragraph makes the whole paragraph laughable and definitely unimpressive.

@Holt
Dear Holt, thank you so much for your honest feedback..

Please find below, several changes that i've made. Kindly need another feedback on it. Also if there are mistakes on spelling or grammar

Thank you so very muchh..

Back when I was fresh graduate and started my first job, I never thought about what was the company culture, their values, management style or their team dynamic. All that matters to me was how much will my salary be and how prestigious the company was. After few years working, I started questioning, why employees feeling demotivated or why is it so hard to attract and maintain an employee that fit for the job, etc. Several times when I had chance to shared this issues with management, they feel that employees were disengaged and yet demanded for higher salary, asked for comprehensive benefit program and sometimes spread negativity to others. I assumed there must be particular reasons that result in the dissatisfaction between employers and employees. Therefore, this situation motivated me to pursue master degree in work and organizational psychology, to help me building sustainable manpower and promote a quality of work-life balance.

I have noticed that the dynamic within organizations is build not only from company's policy and regulation but also the integrity demonstrated by leaders. In addition, companies need to adapt with work culture (e.g. what drives employees, mentality of employees) that continually change. In the future, I wish I could make a difference and take part in creating positive working environment where communication is transparent and open, creativity and productivity flourish, and each individual perceive their work as a personal journey, so they are empowered to achieve their highest potential. Although creating this state of condition will not be an easy task, I am assured that my learning on work and organizational psychology will prepared me adequately.

This scholarship will help me accomplish my educational goals and introduce me to foreign culture that is probably unfamiliar and challenging but at the same time an opportunity for me to grow as a person. I seize the opportunity, for instance when I decided to take part in faculty's choir that aim to preserved Indonesian traditional song and instruments, I was agreed to become choir's coordinator and work along with dedicated musician and alumni. Working as recruiter has taught me to be patience and perseverance specially when behaving toward targets, hiring managers and candidates. Moreover, I deserve to receive this scholarship because I committed to bring my talent, my enthusiasm and my best effort to be successful, and thus increasing the value of this scholarship.

Your motivation for wishing to continue your studies is represented in the essay. It is not as strong as it can be due to your lack of current employment, but it will do in a pinch. The reviewer will at least get an idea as to why you wish to continue your studies. You can try to strengthen that section by explaining how you plan to use the knowledge you will be gaining from the masters education for the betterment of those you will be working with. Try to deliver a clearer purpose as to why you are motivated to follow up with more advanced studies in this course. If possible, relate it to the mission or objective of the fellowship.

I am worried though about your lack of qualities that would make you a good candidate for the VFP scholarship. You can't seem to find some specific reasons as to why you would make an excellent addition to the scholarship program. You will need to look into the specifics of the scholarship and compare it with your existing experience, objectives, ideologies, or mindset. Then discuss your qualifications as a scholar based upon those similarities. That is the only way we can show some evidence of your qualifications as a scholar that we can spin into being the specific reasons why you deserve this scholarship.

By the way, please review the essay and use the correct past or present tense usage in the paragraphs. The essay becomes confusing to read due to the inconsistency in the way that you present the time frame or time basis of your discussions.

Your essay is much better than the first one you opened with Google and their work ethics. I think Holt has covered it all-produce a much better response with your tenses and grammar in mind.

@yass029
I do believe that you have to add more stuff that describes your talents, experience & uniqueness.
I think you have to elaborate more.

Dear @Ahmed_Sanad @Holt @chizy7

Thank you so much for taking a time and provide me feedback. I have been trying to put the recommendation as necessary and submit the essay.

Once again, Thank youu....