My network will be expanded from my Chevening experience and those worldwide connections

Hi, please help me with my essay to apply on chevening scholarship. Thank you in advance.

Chevening Networking Question

Q:
Chevening is looking for individuals with strong networking skills, who will engage with the Chevening community and influence and lead others in their chosen profession. Explain how you meet this requirement, using clear examples of your networking skills, and outline how you hope to use these skills in the future.

(minimum word count: 100 words, maximum word count: 500 words)

A:
My organisation is a subsidiary of state owned company which obliged to manage electric power plant in Indonesia. Sometimes I was asked to have business trip to several power plant across country. This activity encouraged me to build network which will benefit both sides. Sometimes I called to help and overcome technical problem in their plant and vice versa as I need their expertise to give advice in my power plant challenges.

When I placed in inventory and procurement planning section, I developed a vendor network and manage them by creating competence category, communicate kindly and inviting on vendor gathering annually. By treating them accordingly, it were easier to gain help from them without formal bond promises such as contract or purchase order. Networking also could come naturally from informal way, for example I had met with a friends' friend in street food stall and discuss similar interest that end up in a good relation. Then, several moment later I was invited to be the guest teacher in his institution, and this opportunity gave me further opportunity to widening my network from the participants. Those network I already built will help me studying in UK by giving me a place to discuss and sharing ideas to gain insight in my study.

I am sure that my network will be expanded from my Chevening experience and those worldwide connection that will help me overcome challenges and reach my future ambitions to be a good leader. I believe that the best person is the person who useful to others, so I promise to help others Chevening scholars reach their goals with network and competence features I have.

Hi,

I think that you can show your networking experience in professional context and it benefits your work. However, I guess you should try to convert the sentences a bit especially in the first paragraph to see that you are an active actor in creating and developing the network rather than because you were asked to go for the business trip from the company,

Mufthi, you wrote 275 words and somehow, I do not feel like you delivered a justified networking experience. Perhaps, this is because your first paragraph is very confusing. Did you mean to say that you helped other power plants other than your own? You need to clarify that because I don't understand how the reference to "benefit both sides" fits into the scenario you described. Your second paragraph combines 2 different discussions in one paragraph. Separate the discussion. A paragraph must have only one topic presented, not two. The reviewer will lose track of the first discussion and just remember the second one, so split it up. This doesn't come across as a very strong essay because the networking foundation isn't really impressive nor strong. Can you try to write a totally new essay that has a more confident sounding explanation? Try to strengthen the presentation in some way. Maybe add more information or explain how the network helped you out of a difficult situation. I can't put my finger on it at the moment but I am sure something is missing in this essay. Maybe it will appear clearly to me after you revise the essay.