Services to country, working, interest in science - why I deserve a scholarship?

I am to write about why I deserve a scholarship to pursue my post-secondary education at Lake-Sumter Community College. I feel like I have good ideas, it's just that my problem is putting those ideas in a logical order. I have written my first paragraph and the start of my second along with all of my ideas so far.

- Provide services to my country; AFROTC USF; Computer Engineer.
- Lscc great education close to home-Final sentence
- Working 40 hrs a week; full time student; maintain 3.5 GPA.
- Strong interest and grasp of mathematics and computer technology.
- Loathe failing a test.
- My desire since middle school.
- Not worry about family's financial situation.

Deciding which boy would make the ideal Homecoming King was certainly one of the most important decisions to half of my high school class. For others it was merely whether or not to wear the name brand Pac Sun, in fear of being ridiculed by fellow peers. While the majority of the school was focusing on miniscule incongruous obsessions, I was deep in thought concerning my life's profession. While analyzing my options for after graduation I had to consider numerous obstructions which would deem college life a nuisance; then, determine ways to eliminate them. Obstructions such as leaving home and quitting my job were out of the question due to the lack of family finances, so my first decision was to attend LSCC: A great education close to home.

Working nearly forty hours a week while still in high school made it rather difficult to keep up with my studies. The task involved late nights, early morning, and even weekends nose deep in my textbooks. Studying is by far one of the most important skills required to be successful during school, and thankfully I've learned to develop superb study skills.

Deciding which boy would make the ideal * best Homecoming King was certainly the most important decision many of my peers have had to make to half of my high school class. ** For others it was merely whether or not to wear the name brand Pac Sun, in fear of being ridiculed by fellow peers. While the majority of the school was focusing on miniscule incongruous * obsessions, I was deep in thought concerning my life's profession *. While analyzing my post-graduation options I had to consider numerous obstructions which would deem college life a nuisance; then, determine ways to eliminate them. Obstructions such as leaving home and quitting my job were out of the question due to the lack of family finances, so my first decision was to attend LSCC: A great education close to home.

Working nearly forty hours a week while still in high school made it rather difficult to keep up with my studies. The task involved late nights, early mornings , and even weekends nose- deep in my textbooks. Studying is by far one of the most important skills requirednecessary to be successful during school, and thankfully I've learned to develop superb study skills.

*Don't try to use big words, just sound like yourself :)
**I THINK this is what you were trying to say, but it's hard to decipher the first and second sentences.

Your ideas sound good, but you aren't writing in your own voice. If you don't, you'll come off sounding insincere. Or worse, you'll have a LOT of clishes.

Good luck! :D

Awesome! I appreciate your help. Now that I am re-reading it again I understand what you mean. I just want to emphasize that I did not take any part in the highschool "clicks". I was more focused on my goals for life. It's just tough to put that into an essay for me. I will try to get the second paragraph up soon. Thanks for your feedback, hope to hear more.

I don't think this is necessary to include. It is better to say you loathe instances of mediocrity in your own work. If you say "loathe failing a test," it gets the reader thinking about you as someone who fails tests.

The task involved late nights, early mornings , and even weekends nose deep in my textbooks.

This statement is too obvious: Studying is by far one of the most important skills required to be successful during school...

I have a sense that showing how much you "deserve" the scholarship is best accomplished by showing that you have a clearly envisioned, detailed plan for contributing meaningfully in the near future to your chosen field, to society, etc. So... can you include some more discussions of your intentions for the future?