Statement of purpose for an internship research program in mechanical engineering

Guys.. i need your help to correct this statement of purpose.. i'm applying to an internship research program..
is this SOP strong enough?
a million thanks beforehand :)

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I would like to express my interest in the Internship Research Program in xxx.

I earned my BEng from xxx in xxx. This course of study gave me a strong foundation in understanding, designing, and developing sensors comprehensively. I was fortunate to study in a program that was forward-thinking, with lecturers who always pushed me to look to the future. In this environment, I was also surrounded by highly motivated and visionary students, who challenged me to push myself to the best of my ability. The classes I took gave me an understanding of various sensors, ranging from everyday use to biochemical hazard protection sensor. I also took a course of nanotechnology in which I gained comprehension about nanoparticles and nanotubes.

My thesis was about 'Safety Integrity Level Evaluation of Fire and Gas System', in which I quantitatively calculated the reliability of the safety system against fire and gas leak hazard. In this research, my purpose was to determine the ideal proof test interval. A proof test insures the related instrumentation or equipment is functioning as expected. The interval between proof tests should not be too short, as it is cost-inefficient, while also should not be too long, as it is dangerous. In order to calculate the reliability I had to understand how the sensor works. I also had to understand the components of the sensor itself, as the sensor may fail to work if the electrical components-in this case surge arrester and current splitter-fail.

After graduating, I worked as an instrument engineer in xxx, a global energy contractor company. My role was selecting, installing, and managing sensors used for measurement and safety in oil, gas, and mining facilities so that these systems and processes operate effectively, efficiently and safely. I gained better understanding of sensors this way as I have to consider which sensing method is the most effective in a certain condition. I also had to consider other factors such as the durability, accuracy, and economic value. For instance, when I had to choose which level sensor is best used in a LPG storage tank, I chose non-contacting radar level sensor. The challenge lies in the very low dielectric constant of the fluid, causing impractical use of differential pressure level sensor. Non-contacting radar can be mounted outside of the tank, and therefore is more durable due to possess no interface with the fluid.

The knowledge, abilities, and experiences about instruments which I have are directly applicable to the skills needed for designing ultra-sensitive sensors. It would be an amazing opportunity for my future career, and an opportunity to make a contribution to the world. This chance could help me further understand the field I want to study and provide me with insights that will prepare me for my master's degree. I would also gain more insights in the research world and how it works.

As I considered my options for research, xxx stood out for a number of reasons. The interdisciplinary nature of the program will give me a much broader, more practical understanding of all aspects of the sensing instruments. Having collaborated extensively with engineers during my work, I believe in the importance of thinking beyond narrow academic disciplines. With the inherently international nature of today's energy industry, it is important for me to conduct the research in xxx in order to gain ideas on studying a master's degree in an international, multi-cultural environment. I am also drawn to the government's commitment to science and knowledge, and with my participation I hope I can contribute to the success of the country while pursuing my professional goals.

I am very excited to join the incoming research internship in xxx. I sincerely believe I would be an excellent student in your program, and I am prepared to work and study hard in order to meet the high standards that xxx is known for.

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italic: i would like to vomit that sentence.. what do you think?
any comment would be appreciated, thanks !

Hello and welcome to the EssayForum, Timbo! It is good for you to choose EF as your reliable academic writing support. I do hope that you can actively participate in this forum by sharing with the other members regarding their essay. Now let's have a closer look at your essay.

I would like to give you some inputs, specifically to the introductory paragraph. I can say that your introduction is good and understandable. Also, you can put the italicized sentences in the paragraph after the first sentence. You may consider the revision of these sentences from me:

"I earned my BEng from xxx in xxx. I was fortunate to study in a program that was forward-thinking, with lecturers and highly motivated students who always pushed me to look to the future...."

As you can see, I put the keyword from the second italicized sentence in the above revision. This is due to simplifying the idea to ease the readers to understand your essay. About the content of your essay, I think this is a good statement of purpose. You write all aspects of a good personal statement, such as writer's educational background, past experiences, and your contribution to the society in regards to your academic history.

Good luck!

Hi Timbo, as I read your SOP, I must say, physically its very long for an SOP, an SOP is a letter that highlights your academic journey, achievements and aspirations, it also contains a little bit of your personal background but the main focus is the answer to the question, Why do you choose this institution and course to pursue?, indeed you are able to answer this, however, you somehow elaborated a lot of unnecessary information that may not be useful for this part of the essay but may be very crucial information in the later stage of your application, as what everybody say, don't give it your all, leave something for surprise, this is true in writing too.

With regards to the italicized words, if you want to spit out and not include it in your SOP, why did you add it in the first place?, remember, this SOP is yours, it represents you, your ideologies an your personal beliefs that will be your guidelines and basis in achieving your goals, whether it be academic or as a person. A quote for you to live by, "If you don't believe in it, then don't", write what you think is helpful to your application and not something that you don't believe in.

Moreover, the conclusion of your SOP can take a little help, please find below;

- I am very excitedmotivated and determined to - internship inat xxx.
- I sincerely believe that I would beam an excellent studentaddition in your program,
- and I am preparedgeared to work and
- the highest standards that xxx is known for.

There you have it Timbo, I hope the above insights helped and should you need further assistance do let us know and we are here to help.

@Ivy

Wow, thank you so much, you are really helping me.

Yeah, i erased the italicized words. I was just in a doubt but thank you so much for your suggestion and encouragement.

About the length.. the reason i elaborated a lot is that i was trying to get more than 500 words..
But thank you so much, i think i elaborated too much, more than i should tell. I will reconsider the contents.
Although i am thinking of elaborating them here so i can predict (or direct) the interviewer about the contents he will be asking.
(The intern is about researching sensors though..)

Thank you so much for your help!

@Taufiq

Yeah dude, thanks a lot for the suggestion!

Hi Timbo, my apologies for the late response. Anyway, I would like to stress, for future writing reference that, indeed, it is rather good when you elaborate an idea base on the task at hand and I believe that you have the right reasons in doing so, however, don't you think that keeping some information to yourself will be interesting as well to the administrator? This will not only keep the essay interesting but also keep the critiques thinking like how else or what else can you bring to the table.

As much as I want to advice you to become straight forward, I would say you have to estimate or rather speculate the approach of your essay and this will help you to write a more rewarding essay.

Overall, I strongly suggest that in writing, once you feel comfortable with your answer to the topic or task at hand, proof read it yourself, this practice is done in order to make sure that you understand what your wrote, then have a third person to further critique it for you, every single suggestion will help and believe it or not, as you write, you learn!