A Business Venture; With an industrious nature, I have been met with great success - USC Writing

A Business Venture

Henry David Thoreau wrote "I learned this, at least by my own experiment: that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours." In my collection of endeavors, I have found this to be true. With an industrious nature, I have been met with great success.

Many times, I have dreamed of building a business to invest myself in. A lack of capital and experience had always kept me from pursuing my dream, but I couldn't wait any longer. After coming across a post in a business forum, I had realized my venture. With my computer and local library, I finally took to the project. This project was one to create an import-export business.

Rather unfamiliar with the topic, I sought advice by means of online forums. I found great satisfaction; many users reached out to me and helped substantially. After much product research, merchant negotiation, and market testing, my efforts proved successful.

I enjoy participating in these forums. My high school is without many avenues for the exploration of these interests. Attendance to the University of Southern California would bring me great opportunities. Among other things, I would like to attend this school for social opportunity and inspiration. I can see my peers being sources for these things. I would like to engage the student body. I may do this by organizing clubs or events.

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The prompt is below.

USC students are known to be involved. Briefly describe a non-academic pursuit (such as service to community or family, a club or sport, or work, etc.,) that best illustrates who you are, and why it is important to you. (250 word limit)

Your response does not really answer the prompt. While it is nice to get an insight into your idealistic point of view, the prompt is asking you to share an extra curricular activity that has helped you learn about the world, made you interested in a undertaking, or perhaps, helped you develop a character trait that you did not have before. Participating in online forums does not really provide that kind of insight into your personality or learning influences. Try to come up with something more solid. An activity that taught you a skill, helped you develop a mindset, or developed a trait within you will work best in response to this prompt. Volunteer activities, sports, and even part time jobs could help you better respond to this prompt.

Thank you. I had a a bit of trouble giving profound insight with 250 words. I need to work on my writing though. I was trying to bring across my interests that drew me to the school. Is it decent in the least?

Telling the truth my English is not good, but I will tell you some points in your essay which I believe you can do better. It's very hard to get what is your real pursuit, cause you opened you essay with a great citation and after you say that you are already pursuing your dream, which one is unknown for reader. In the end you finally told about some project, but again there are no specification, so I suppose you need to make it more clear, maybe you can use a structure like this: citation - i believe it - my dream - i am going to accomplish it - how University of Southern California can help me in this way.

I'll try to work on it a bit. Thank you.

You have way too much fluff for 250 words. Your entire first paragraph basically says nothing and I think the portion about how attending USC will help you realize your dreams is quite unnecessary. Again, you only have 250 words so don't waste it. The key words of the prompt are involved, non-academic pursuit, who you are, and why it is important to you. After reading your essay I still don't have any answers to these specific questions which is a big problem.

The essay is alright if you are planning to use it for a different common app prompt. Perhaps one relating to a personal statement or what inspired you to pursue this line of study, maybe even explaining how you developed an interest in it. For this particular prompt though, it is not going to work. Try to come up with a totally new essay. One that actually has an extra curricular activity that could apply to the prompt expectations. Remember, if your first few sentences tells the admission officer that the essay is not aligned with the prompt, he is not going to finish reading it.