Being Chinese and adopted set me apart from others, even in my own family. Common App Essay

hi there! can someone help me edit my common app essay? I'm sorry this is kind of hard to read! Formatting was weird. the prompt is:

background, identity essay

Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story. [No change]

Since childhood, I have known that being Chinese and adopted set me apart from others, even in my own family. Growing up in Northern Virginia, being Asian was not a rarity, but I still was bullied. Despite my physical appearance, I am a citizen. English was my first language. Plaid shirts and jeans are my daily outfit. Although I felt American and did everything my Caucasian peers did, I knew I would never be entirely a "traditional American."

Complicating matters, I've never felt entirely Chinese either. It felt impossible to connect to the culture I was born with. Although my adoptive parents are Chinese, I've never learned to speak the language. When visiting my Chinese speaking relatives, I cannot have a conversation with them. I've felt an immense disunion between my Chinese and American heritages which has often led me to wonder which "group" I belonged if indeed I belonged to either.

I felt like a permanent foreigner in the country I have resided in for most of my life. I felt like an outsider with my family. When my whole extended family would get together, I was left silently unable to communicate with them. Whether I was with my family or in society, I felt excluded. In the school environment, I felt obligated to act more American than Chinese, and in my home environment, I felt pressured to be more Chinese than American. I was constantly fighting a battle between who I should be versus who I actually am. It got to the point where I wished that I wasn't adopted. I thought it would be easier to simply be Chinese back in China so I wouldn't have to contend with discerning who I am every day.

I was extremely ungrateful and bitter. I spent so much time wishing what I could have and how my life would be so much easier and better, rather than thinking of what I had. However, my battle slowly came to an end as the thoughts of loneliness became superficial and irrelevant. This led me to discover how blessed and privileged I actually am. I live in a country with inalienable rights, which many take for granted, rights people in other countries couldn't even dream of. I have a stable, loving home to come home to every night. Through all of this, my passion for helping those less fortunate was cultivated.

I am fortunate for everything I have been given and the least I can do is to help others. I slowly started becoming more involved with activities and service projects. I joined a variety of service clubs at school and through the service projects, I found my love for helping kids. I started volunteering to teach a preschool class at my church, at a children's' summer camp, at the public library as a tutor. Although I started to become busy with school work and sports, I made sure I always had time to volunteer. My love for volunteerism has made such a difference in my life that I now want to devote my career to helping others, as a pediatric nurse. In spite of how out of place I feel during my childhood, I know I'm extremely lucky to have been adopted by a wonderful family, living in a wonderful country with wonderful people, and because of that, I am extremely thankful.

Being adopted is a blessing. The disunion I felt growing up led to the reveal of the real me. I was able to discover my love for service. I'm still not certain where I belong, but who is? I want to have an impact and helping others will be how I find my place

However, my battle slowly came to an end as the thoughts of loneliness became superficial and irrelevant.

I think the transition here is a bit sudden. You need more examples to show how you've changed.

Other than that, it's a very good essay.

@jlee18
Hi, I think this is a well-written essay and really showcases your discomfort as being stuck between two identities.

But what doesn't come out well is how you want to catalyse that to help others. I would suggest two things:
1. a specific example or story that helped this transition from bitter to grateful because here it looks like it happened overnight. Maybe move the volunteerism part up to use that as a catalyst to show how you realised your privilege and then transitioned to grateful

2. How will this story of yours add to the diversity of the class - that will be a great way to close the essay and show a way ahead - will you help other peers who come from other countries and help them settle in through special clubs/volunteering etc/maybe a buddy to Chinese students who come in to help them adapt to American universities? Adding that bit will make your essay stronger and show tangible action, rather than just feelings.

Hope this helps!

Jess, this is a very enlightening essay. Your essay is very warm and your conflict is evident on the page. Your journey towards self discovery and redemption is only marred by one little fact. You forgot to mention what the supreme catalyst in your story is that led to your epiphany. I think you presented that after you spoke of the epiphany. I think you did that in paragraph 5. You just need to properly build it up. What was the personal journey that you were on that led to your realization that you could never had it so good in your life if you had not straddled these two worlds? While your identity uncertainty may still exist, that does not mean that you have not learned how to benefit from belonging to two worlds. I would like to see you develop that explanation in this essay. It will create not only an interesting background story, but also deliver a highly impressive identity story, regardless of your confusion about which world you truly belong to.