College to master the Japanese language - conclusion revision...

Hello, I am here today to ask for assistance in regards to the conclusion of my paper. I wanted to add a reference in my conclusion for my career goal as a foreign service officer. Here is the the conclusion without the reference:

I have been looking for a college that can help me to master the Japanese language and gain a deeper understanding of the many cultures that lie within East Asia. I am confident that studying at the University of Illinois will allow me to acquire the knowledge that I need to accomplish my professional and academic goals and secure a bright future.

My attempt at adding to it...

... and academic goals and secure a bright future as a consular in the foreign service making a difference by touching people's lives in meaningful ways.

How can I improve upon this conclusion and is there a way to trim it down by one word :)?

Thank you for at least reading this far, and all help is greatly appreciated!

-Grant

Edit
I now think back only minutes ago that it might be helpful if I just post the whole essay :/ My biggest concern is still the conclusion, but maybe with a little more context the revision will be easier.

In an essay of 300 words or less, explain your motivation to transfer from your current/previous institution to Illinois and how your academic interests and/or professional goals will be fulfilled in your intended program of study.

"I am the hope of the universe. I am the answer to all living things that cry out for peace. I am the protector of the innocent. I am the light in the darkness. I am truth. Ally to good! Nightmare to you!" This was Goku's famous speech to his nemesis Frieza in the classic television show Dragon Ball Z, a show that brought me and countless other youths across America into the pop-culture world of Japanese anime. It was Japanese anime that fostered my passion for East Asian and Japanese culture, and I hope to pursue my passion at the University of Illinois. I have studied Japanese on my own as well as at the Community College of Vermont and in the Air Force. Additionally, my goals include signing up for the JLPT N4 (Japanese Language Proficiency Test) in December in Boston and spending next summer in Japan volunteering for World Wide Opportunities on Organic Farms (WWOOF).

According to my research, the University of Illinois East Asian Languages and Cultures program provides innovative academics, a diverse community, and a professional environment, all of which will help me to achieve my academic and professional goals. The broad and in-depth learning experience that an East Asian Languages and Cultures major can provide will be imperative to my success as a foreign service officer.

I have been looking for a college that can help me to master the Japanese language and gain a deeper understanding of the many cultures that lie within East Asia. I am confident that studying at the University of Illinois will allow me to acquire the knowledge that I need to accomplish my professional and academic goals and secure a bright future as a consular in the foreign service making a difference by touching people's lives in meaningful ways.

Grant, please look at the the contents of your first paragraph. It contains your motivation for learning the Japanese language, along with with the culture and heritage of the Japanese people. That is very clear and yet, it does not help respond to the prompt. I think it is because of the quote from Dragon Ball Z. It kind of removes the seriousness of your application. I also do not see it as having a direct relation to the required response to the prompt.

The second paragraph, does not help your statement either. It seems that you were at a loss for words at the time and decided to fill the space by simply repeating information about the university that is already common knowledge. You need to look for the real motivation that you have for opting to change schools. The reasons could be anything from a better curriculum, a better internship package, the chance to attend an exchange student program, or even better chances at gaining employment overseas. The original and logical reasons for wishing to change schools are in endless supply if you just take the time to sit back and consider the reasons as it applies to you.

That said, I wish to point out that that your third and last paragraph is exactly what the prompt is looking for. So, I really believe that this should go up on your statement draft as the first paragraph instead. Focus your response on the difference between the two schools. Compare the chance that you have to gain more knowledge at the University of Illinois. Explain that you feel that your current university can only take you so far in terms of learning about East-Asian culture. Mention any activities that Illinois offers that you feels gives it an edge over your current university. Why do you think that changing universities will be of a clear benefit to you in the end?

It is clear that you have a career path in mind and you need to somehow reflect that in the essay by connecting the path to your current academic needs. Why do you believe that the University of Illinois will be able to help you fast track your consular career? Those should be more than enough information to help you establish your academic and professional goals. It is at this point, in what should be your second paragraph, that you discuss your complete career goals. From passing the JLPT N4, volunteering for WWOOF, and finally, getting that consul job.

Good luck with your application. I hope my assessment can help you better develop your response statement :-)