"my commitment to continue to challenge myself" - UC Davis waitlist essay

So I got waitlisted at UC Davis, and I need to write a 200 word essay with this prompt: Briefly tell us why you feel UC Davis is the right place for you to continue your education. Here is what I was thinking:

So any advice, and criticism on my essay would be greatly appreciated.

I believe UC Davis will be the right choice for me because as a first generation college student, I would like to aim as high as I can, and UC Davis is the best college that will help me succeed in that. As a student serious about his education, instead of taking a light load in my senior year, I took 3 AP classes as a commitment to my academics and to demonstrate my commitment to continue to challenge myself. I love UC Davis' engineering department as they have so many great professors such as Professor Qing Zhao, whom I admire. Which is exactly why I know strongly if I do get accepted that my first plan is to work hard to succeed as an engineer because that is truly what interests me the most. Through hard work, and perseverance I know I can achieve a degree in possibly electrical engineering in four years. With all the resources available here, I know there's no way I can fail. This is why UC Davis has always been my first choice, the first school I would choose to enroll. Thank you for giving me this opportunity, and I look forward to your decision.

It's 200 words exactly what I need. Thank you for any advice and such.

Why do you think that will help you become successful? Give examples. Let them know what you like about the programs.

Best Regards,

:)

I believe UC Davis will be the right choice for me because as a first generation college student, I would like to aim as high as I can, and UC Davis is the best college that will help me succeed in that. As a student serious about his education, instead of taking a light load in my senior year, I took 3 AP classes -----Very impressive.

I don't know what I want to do yet, but I do know that I want to make a change in this world, and to do that I need a great school to prepare me.----not so impressive. This whole sentence should be cut. Do not talk about indecision. You can have multiple careers. Instead of saying you have not decided, list 3 subject areas that fascinate you. Presentation is everything.

I believe UC Davis has all the right tools, teachers, and programs that will help me become successful no matter what path I choose to take. meaningless. Discuss a specific prof whom you admire.

Whether I decide to become an engineer or a psychologist, I know UC Davis will prepare me for the obstacles that will come in life. This is why UC Davis has always been my first choice, if given the opportunity, school I would choose to enroll. Thank you for giving me this opportunity, and I look forward to your decision. This does not convince them. You can convince them by making a TENTATIVE PLAN. Think of something you might do. Take action as though you were certain. It is okay to list a few subjects that interest you, but I hope you will name some SPECIFIC GOALS that you can achieve by using the SPECIFIC RESOURCES at this school.

It will be easy and meaningful! I added the word "in" so now it is 200 words ;-) but I really hope you remove the vague affirmations that it is a good school and replace them with specific facts, goals, plans, and self-imposed deadlines. You are a "man on a mission."

:-)

Thanks ifdz and Kevin, the advice helped alot. I'm pretty sure how I should change it now. Thanks again :)