Description about me as a personal statement

Please help me to correct any mistakes, I am not satisfied with the vocabularies I used so I need some suggestions please

My friends say that I am an energetic person with a great sense of humor. To be honest, I enjoy making new friends and helping people to broaden my relationships. In some situations, I am a determined student; I will pursuit my final goals till I obtain them no matter how long it takes me. In addition, I can co-operate well with other teammates under stressful conditions.

Been living with my family since I was a child, I believe that taking this opportunity to study abroad is a reckless move and I could turn my life to a new page. I did some part time jobs such as tutor, waiter, and receptionist so I gained many things that I was not taught in class and as a result I can improve my personality from them. Being aware of the truth that book is a priceless treasure of knowledge, I love reading them whenever I have time, especially science books.

I think I have stayed in my comfort zone too long, it is high time for me to step out. I will catch this chance offered by UNIST to study Masters in Nuclear Engineering (NE). Once I receive it, I will polish my understanding in NE to a whole new level and have some minor contributions to the development of Nuclear Power in my country.

thank you in advance

Nguyen, I cleaned up the essay for you and cleaned up the grammar to make it sound more professional. I hope the changes work for you.

To be honest, I enjoy making new friends and helping people to WHICH IN TURN, broaden ...
In some situations, I am a determined student; I will pursuit PURSUE my final goals till I obtain them SUCCEED, no matter how ...
In addition, I can co-operate WORK well with other ...
HAVING LIVED Been living with my family...
to study abroad is a reckless move and I could turn my life to a new page WILL HELP ME WRITE A NEW CHAPTER IN MY LIFE.

... receptionist so I gained LIFE LESSONS that I COULD NOT BE was not taught in class ...
... I can improveD my personality from them .
Being aware of the truth that I BELIEVE THAT A book is a priceless treasurE...
... reading them whenever I have ...
I think I have stayed in my comfort zone too long, it is high time for me to step out. I will catch GRAB ...
Once I receive it COMPLETE MY STUDIES, I will HAVE polishED my understanding in OF NE ...
have some minor contributions THE ABILITY TO CONTRIBUTE to the development of Nuclear Power in my country.

Great help. Could you give me some suggestion for omission parts, please?

I'm not sure what you mean about the omission parts. How can I help you with it? Here's what I'd like you to do just so I can get a clear picture of the work that needs to be done. Edit your existing essay using the revisions I am suggesting. Read it over. Try to identify the parts that you feel you still need to work on and do what you can to improve it. Then post the revised essay here so that we can review it together for editing purposes. We should be able to identify the omitted parts or other areas for improvement if you edit the paper that way.

Right now, the paper should be in an almost usable form for you. I can't really tell if you want to add any information or remove / reduce the content of the paper until I see the new version that will come from you. In my opinion, the last paragraph of the essay that talks about you staying in your comfort zone too long doesn't help the essay. This essay should center upon your personality as in your strengths and weaknesses as a person. It should not discuss plans for your future because that does not help to describe the person you are. Maybe you can try to rewrite that part? Remember, a descriptive essay is most effective when it shows your strengths and your weaknesses. Most specially, when you discuss how you manage to overcome your perceived weakness. That creates a balanced descriptive personal statement.

The request is: Describe yourself, your life and your goal That is why I included a bit about my future plan here
This is my edited version:

My friends say that I am an energetic person with a great sense of humor. To be honest [i]Shoul I omit it ?

Thank you in advanced

I don't really see a need for you to say "To be honest" as part of your descriptive sentence. It is not like you were lying about something in the previous statement or, that you were unsure about something you said. So just stating the description will be sufficient enough. The term doesn't really help convey anything additional about you so it really isn't necessary in this instance. You already said that you enjoy making friends, the next sentence is just part of that description. It is a supporting sentence that makes more sense when you omit the unnecessary phrase "To be honest."

As for the alternative, yes, I do believe that we can work on something additional for that paragraph. Now that I have the prompt to refer to as the basis of your essay content, I would like you to do something extra in that final paragraph if you don't mind. You have a pretty good opening starting with "I will grab this chance offered by UNIST to study Masters in Nuclear Engineering (NE)." . Right after that sentence, expand upon the goal that you have for yourself by studying at UNIST. What possible dream or ambition do you have either career-wise or personally that will be helped by your studies there. For example, if it is something about harnessing nuclear energy for another purpose than the creation of electricity, mention it. Explain it as thoroughly as you can so that you can present a clear career goal. I realize that you would rather remain vague at this point because you probably don't have any idea as to what your actual goal is. When responding to a statement like this though, you should take a few days to try and think about what your career goal might be and present it. It is a must because it proves that you have a focus and clear desire to complete the course.

Here are the corrections that I suggest you apply to your work:

...My aim is to polish my knowledge I acquired during my academic years in THE university and to perceive GAIN new perspectives of NE ... programs in OFFERED BY UNIST. Particularly,

I desire to be BECOME competent ENOUGH to design a real reactor by THROUGH neutron behavior analyzing ANALYSIS.
... it is HAS BECOME necessary for me to study coding and METHODS OF simulating A reactor core. Doubtlessly, by reason of WITH THE HELP AND the assistance of professors ... achieve those skills with no obstacles. WITHOUT DELAY OR ENCUMBRANCE

In brief, UNIST education programs [...] as well as personality there.

The last line is not necessary in my opinion. You already stated that in the earlier parts in better detail.

Great. Thank you very much. Wish you the best